Relationships Australia Victoria - News

Reach: Pushing Your Clinical Skills and Effectiveness to the Next Level

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 22 Feb 2019 00:00:00 +1100

We’re excited to announce that Scott D. Miller PhD, an experienced U.S. counselling psychologist, is returning to Melbourne in June 2019 to deliver an exclusive workshop on the topic of Reach: Pushing Your Clinical Skills and Effectiveness to the Next Level.

This specialised training follows on from a workshop which Scott delivered in Melbourne in 2017 on the topic of ‘What works in therapy’. Participant feedback from this workshop included:

Scott is a consummate performer with an impressive evidence message.
It’s the best training I’ve been to for some time.
There were so many parts that were “lightbulbs”. It was great!

In our upcoming training, participants will learn strategies to enhance their clinical performance and achieve better outcomes with clients. Specific practices employed by highly effective therapists around the world will be examined, and participants will gain an empirically sound, clinician-friendly method for determining the effectiveness of their clinical work compared to peers and national norms.

This rare professional development opportunity is not to be missed! We're currently offering a special early bird price for registrations before 12 April 2019, and a discounted rate for students, so register early to avoid disappointment.

Book your place today

About the presenter

Scott D. Miller, PhD, is a counselling psychologist and author, and co-founder of the International Center for Clinical Excellence, an international consortium of clinicians, researchers, and educators dedicated to promoting excellence in behaviour health. Scott conducts workshops and training around the world, and his research has been featured at the prestigious Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference. Scott’s engaging presentation style and command of the research literature consistently inspires practitioners, administrators and policy makers to make effective changes in service delivery.

Relationship Rescue

Relationships Australia Victoria — Wed, 20 Feb 2019 00:00:00 +1100

Relationship Rescue is a group seminar for couples who are experiencing difficulties in their relationship and would like to learn strategies to communicate better, understand their differences and co-operate and collaborate as a team.

Facilitated by two experienced relationship therapists, Relationship Rescue provides couples with the opportunity to share their experiences, learn from one another, and develop and practice strategies to improve their relationship in a supportive group environment.

Our next seminar runs from 9:30am to 4:30pm on Saturday 9 March 2019 in Kew.

For more information and to discuss if this program is right for you, click here or call our Kew Centre on (03) 9261 8700.

"I found the group experience extremely helpful. The individual counsellor insights were also extremely helpful. I have gained a better understanding of my individual anxiety and feelings and how to communicate my needs." - Relationship Rescue group participant

First Training e-Newsletter for 2019 now available

Relationships Australia Victoria — Tue, 19 Feb 2019 00:00:00 +1100

Our latest e-Newsletter provides subscribers with the latest professional development, training opportunities and news from our Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) Training Team.

In this Summer edition, we shine the spotlight on our new family violence-focused Graduate Diploma of Relationship Counselling, and highlight two new professional development workshops on Property and Financial Matters in Family Dispute Resolution (FDR).

We also detail our upcoming professional development workshops and accredited courses, including a special one-day workshop with U.S. counselling psychologist Scott D. Miller, PhD, Reach: Pushing your Clinical Skills and Effectiveness to the Next Level. We're currently offering an early-bird discount to participants who register before 12 April 2019.

You can subscribe to this e-Newsletter on the training page of our website or the signup screen of our Facebook page, or read this latest e-Newsletter here.

Supporting the Melbourne Queer Film Festival

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 15 Feb 2019 00:00:00 +1100

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) is proud to sponsor a film at this year’s Melbourne Queer Film Festival (MQFF), which runs from 14 to 25 March 2019.

The annual film festival has been held for over 25 years and shows a wide range of LGBTIQ+ themed films, including features and documentaries. This will be RAV’s seventh consecutive year supporting the festival.

This year, we are sponsoring the Colombian film Eva & Candela, which “traces the love lives of two women, a director and her actress, as they traverse the rocky path of love, domesticity and infidelity. Swinging back and forth between the past and present, we trace the developing love story of Eva (Silvia Varón) and Candela (Alejandra Lara) as they first meet on a film set and find a creative kindred spirit in each other, which eventually blossoms into love. Over the course of years, we see the women’s relationship swing from giddy highs to painful truths as they try to find a way back to the passions they once shared creatively and personally. Brilliantly portrayed by the two female leads, this is a bittersweet and intimate look at the constantly evolving nature of love."

Eva & Candela will screen at 6:15pm on Friday 15 March at the Australian Centre for the Moving Image (ACMI) in Melbourne’s CBD.

To find out more, watch the film trailer and purchase tickets, please visit the festival’s website.

Support for Fathers National Survey

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 08 Oct 2018 00:00:00 +1100

The Support for Fathers project invites fathers and their partners, and professionals who work with families to participate in a national survey about:

the issues affecting young men and fathers in Australia
how service providers can support fathers to develop and strengthen healthy family relationships.

Click here to take part in the survey.

The responses and feedback gathered in the survey will inform the development of resources for young men and fathers and a professionals’ toolkit to be published in 2019.

We encourage you to share details of the survey and the project with your networks, including:

your friends and family
your community
fathers and families you work with
people in your professional network.

For more information about the Support for Fathers project or to get involved, please email Dominic Alford, Project Coordinator - Support for Fathers.

Loneliness in Older Adults in Residential Aged Care and Community Settings

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 04 Oct 2018 00:00:00 +1000

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) invites community members to participate in a research project that RAV is collaborating on with Swinburne University, on Loneliness in Older Adults in Residential Aged Care and Community Settings: Prevalence and Predictors.

Australians aged 65 and older are invited to contribute to the study by taking part in an anonymous, 30-minute, online survey which includes demographic questions (for example, age, gender, marital status), and questions about your relationships and how you feel about your current circumstances. The study aims to examine the prevalence of, and factors contributing to loneliness and wellbeing in both residential aged care and community settings in an Australian context.

Currently, the factors that contribute to loneliness and wellbeing aren’t well understood, however loneliness in older adults has been linked to depression, suicide, and many other health issues including high blood pressure, and heart disease. Increased understanding of these factors may lead to the development of interventions that better address loneliness in Australia’s older adults.

RAV believes that this project will provide useful information to improve the design and delivery of services for older adults, thereby enhancing wellbeing outcomes. It is expected that the research will also contribute to the development of effective policies by enhancing insight into the risks and protective factors which affect loneliness in older adults.

Click here for more information and to take part in the survey.

RAV is committed to improving the wellbeing, safety and sense of fulfilment in Australians aged 65 years and over by strengthening relationships, facilitating social connection, and reducing loneliness and isolation. We provide a range of services, programs and resources to support older Australians and their families, including elder mediation and counselling, information and support groups, and resources and tip sheets. Visit www.rav.org.au/services/senior-relationship-services to find out more.

The latest edition of our Training e-newsletter is now available

Relationships Australia Victoria — Tue, 18 Sep 2018 00:00:00 +1000

Our latest e-newsletter provides subscribers with the latest professional development, training opportunities and news from our Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) Training Team.

In this Spring edition, we share our tips for maintaining professional and personal boundaries in your therapeutic work, review our recent Managing Challenging Behaviours Workshop and introduce our brand new Graduate Diploma of Relationship Counselling CHC81015 (with a focus on Family Violence).

We also detail our upcoming professional development workshops and accredited courses, including our new Professional Boundaries in Therapeutic Work Workshop.

You can subscribe on the training page of our website or the signup screen of our Facebook page, or read this latest e-newsletter here.

How do you maintain professional and personal boundaries in your therapeutic work?

Relationships Australia Victoria — Tue, 18 Sep 2018 00:00:00 +1000

What are professional boundaries?

Professional boundaries are the legal, ethical and organisational frameworks that protect both clients and employees, or workers, from physical and emotional harm, and help to maintain a safe working environment.

Sometimes we encounter challenging situations in our therapeutic work which can make maintaining these boundaries difficult. For example, if a client:

offers you gifts
invites you to a social function
wants to extend your relationship beyond the service provided, e.g., be your friend
divulges information which is not relevant to the therapeutic goals.

Situations such as these require workers to have a clear understanding of their role and ethical principles, and the organisation’s policies and code of conduct. It is also important for workers to be clear and assertive with clients about the boundaries of their role and what is appropriate behaviour for the therapeutic process.

What are personal boundaries?

Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits people use to protect themselves from being drawn too much into their clients’ lives and from being manipulated or violated by others.

They allow professionals to maintain psychological safety for themselves and their clients, and make objective decisions about the therapeutic process to most effectively assist clients to achieve their goals.

Without these personal boundaries, professionals can run the risk of getting too involved in clients’ issues and wanting to “rescue” their client from their situation. While workers cannot "rescue" their clients, they can work with clients to help them achieve their goals, which may include supporting them to change their situation.

Tips for maintaining professional and personal boundaries

Set clear expectations with clients at the beginning of the process about what they can expect from you, as the professional, and what you expect from them, as the client. This includes acceptable behaviours, mutual respect and a commitment to the therapeutic process.
Be clear about your role and its limits.
Be assertive and let clients know when they are behaving inappropriately.
Only have one relationship at a time with a client.
Avoid disclosing personal information to a client.
Do not seek unnecessary information from the client that is not relevant to the therapeutic process.
Maintain your objectivity with clients.
Understand how to recognise and manage your triggers.
Maintain your clients’ privacy and confidentiality.
Engage in regular critical reflection of your work.

If you’d like to learn more, join us for our new Professional Boundaries in Therapeutic Work Workshop on Tuesday 30 October 2018.

National Apology to Victims and Survivors of Institutional Child Sexual Abuse

Relationships Australia Victoria — Tue, 18 Sep 2018 00:00:00 +1000

On Monday 22 October 2018, Prime Minister Hon. Scott Morrison (MP) will deliver the National Apology to Victims and Survivors of Institutional Child Sexual Abuse at Parliament House in Canberra.

The Apology will be delivered in the House of Representatives and a viewing ceremony of the Apology will be held in the Great Hall in Parliament House. After the Apology, the Prime Minister and Leader of the Opposition will address guests in the Great Hall.

The Attorney-General’s Department has opened a national ballot process to allocate seats in the Great Hall of Parliament House, and provide travel assistance where required, to survivors and those people personally affected by institutional child sexual abuse, including victims’ families.

To register your interest in attending the National Apology in Canberra, please visit the National Apology Ballot website and complete and submit the ballot form by midnight on Tuesday 25 September 2018.

If you require assistance completing this form or wish to complete it over the phone, please call the National Apology Information Line on 1800 604 604 (open 7 days a week, 9am-5pm AEST, during the ballot process). People who are selected in the ballot will be notified by Friday 28 September 2018.

Since 2013, Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) has provided support to survivors of child sexual abuse and people affected by the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse. We recognise the importance of the Redress Scheme as an option for survivors seeking redress and as forming part of the legacy of the Royal Commission’s impact upon our society. We continue to work with survivors and their families through our existing range of services and our Redress Support Services which provide practical assistance and emotional support to people engaging with the Scheme.

For more information on RAV’s Redress Support Services, or for support or to make an appointment, please contact us via email or by calling our dedicated Redress Scheme number - 1800 052 674.

New Graduate Diploma of Relationship Counselling CHC81015

Relationships Australia Victoria — Tue, 18 Sep 2018 00:00:00 +1000

We’re excited to announce that we are introducing a new Graduate Diploma of Relationship Counselling CHC81015 (with a focus on Family Violence), commencing for the first time on 19 February 2019 in Camberwell.

The Graduate Diploma of Relationship Counselling CHC81015 (with a focus on Family Violence) is suitable for counselling practitioners, or equivalent, seeking to enhance their skills to work with individuals, couples and families affected by domestic and family violence.

Graduates can apply for a range of employment opportunities within community service organisations and government departments, working with a range of complex issues affecting relationships, including family violence.

With the skills and knowledge gained in the course, graduates will also be equipped for senior roles involving oversight of family violence service delivery including risk management, multi-disciplinary collaborative practice that is aligned with current practice requirements, family violence practice guidelines and legal/statutory obligations.

The course structure will involve one semester of weekly classes and one semester of supervised practice and placement seminars.

Download the course flyer.

For more information and to discuss if this course is right for you, please contact RAV’s Training team via email or by calling (03) 8573 2277.

Digital Story Project

Relationships Australia Victoria — Tue, 18 Sep 2018 00:00:00 +1000

As part of our partnership with Swinburne University’s Wellbeing Clinic for Older Adults’ Digital Story in Residential Aged Care project, three RAV staff from our Kew Centre have volunteered to be paired with older adults living in aged care facilities for the purposes of companionship and social interaction.

The three staff are part of a larger group of volunteers who will visit their companions weekly for three months between August and October 2018. Volunteers will also attend weekly training sessions at Swinburne University aimed at providing education around psychological issues relevant to older adults, aged care, reminiscence and storytelling. According to Reminiscence theories, the telling and showing of one’s story is a means to reaffirm identity, uniqueness and lived experiences.

The outcome of the Digital Story project will be the production of a digital video that tells a story about each resident’s life. The stories can then be presented as gifts or legacy documents to the next generation of family members.

This project is one example of RAV’s commitment to providing senior relationship services that are developed or tailored to meet the growing needs of Victoria’s ageing population.

Seniors Festival Music & Morning Tea

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 03 Sep 2018 00:00:00 +1000

To celebrate the Victorian Seniors Festival 2018, Relationships Australia Victoria invites Victorians aged 65 and over to join us in Kew on 12 October for a free morning of drumming activities and refreshments.

Rhythmic drumming involves hand-drumming to create rhythms, drum patterns and music.

This free activity is open to everyone. You don’t need any experience to join in – this workshop is ideal for beginners as well as those with more drumming experience.

Based on the DRUMBEAT program, the drumming is designed to improve social connections, enhance self-esteem and social skills, and provide you with strategies to manage emotions in healthy ways.

It’s great for coordination and a fun way to express yourself artistically.

You’ll also have the opportunity to find out about the services, workshops and groups that we offer to support people aged 65 and older, and their families, to have healthy, happy and safe relationships.

When: Friday 12 October 2018, from 10am to 1pm

Where: 46 Princess Street, Kew

Cost: Free

To reserve your place or to find out more, contact Kristie Hunter via email or by calling (03) 9261 8735. Please RSVP with any dietary requirements by Friday 5 October 2018.

New headspace in Wonthaggi

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 06 Aug 2018 00:00:00 +1000

We’re pleased to announce that RAV has been selected as the lead agency to establish and deliver headspace services for young people in Bass Coast and South Gippsland in Victoria.

headspace is the National Youth Mental Health Foundation providing early intervention mental health services to 12-25 year olds.

The new early intervention mental health services will be provided from a central hub in Wonthaggi, four existing Youth Access Clinics in Foster, Korumburra, Leongatha and Wonthaggi, and an additional Youth Assist Clinic to be established on Phillip Island.

RAV already has significant experience and expertise supporting young people with their mental health, through our headspace centre in Bairnsdale, i-Connect Family Mental Health Support Service, involvement in other headspace centres in Hawthorn, Greensborough and Knox, and as part of a range of other services we provide.

Further information is available in our media release, which you can read here.

Culturally Responsive Practice

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 19 Jul 2018 00:00:00 +1000

No to Violence has developed a free, half-day training workshop for professionals and service providers in the family violence sector who work with clients from culturally and linguistically diverse backgrounds.

This training was developed in consultation with RAV, InTouch Multicultural Centre Against Family Violence, and Kildonan Uniting, as part of Corrections Victoria’s ‘Family Violence Services for culturally and linguistically diverse prisoners and offenders’ program. The program aims to provide culturally specific programs for men engaged with Corrections Victoria. It also aims to develop the capacity of professionals and service providers working with culturally and linguistically diverse clients in the family violence sector.

Four training sessions are scheduled across August and September 2018 in Shepparton, Dandenong, Sunshine and North Melbourne.

For more information and to register your place, visit http://www.ntv.org.au/training-resources/training/

Please note, bookings are essential as places are limited.

Working with Fathers forum

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 13 Jul 2018 00:00:00 +1000

The Support for Fathers project invites professionals and service providers in Brimbank and Melton, Western Melbourne and Moreland to attend a local forum to work collaboratively to identify gaps in and discuss solutions to challenges of working with fathers.

Your input will help to inform a suite of fathers’ resources and a professionals’ toolkit that will be developed. Read more about the Support for Fathers project and resource development here.

Visit the links below for more information about the Working with Fathers forum in your local area.

Brimbank and Melton
Wednesday 25 July 2018 in Taylors Hill.
Visit bit.ly/FathersForumBrimbankMelton to register your place.

Western Melbourne
Tuesday 31 July 2018 in Docklands.
Visit bit.ly/FathersForumMelbourne to register your place.

Moreland
Thursday 16 August 2018 in Coburg North.
Visit bit.ly/WorkingWithFathersMoreland to register your place.

Connecting with Others in Older Age

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 05 Jul 2018 00:00:00 +1000

In July 2018, our Kew Centre is holding their second focus group as part of Connecting with Others in Older Age, a research project that Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) is conducting in collaboration with Swinburne University.

The research project is open to people aged between 65 and 75, and aims to obtain information about:

How older adults establish social connections, maintain relationships and avoid social isolation.
How older adults can use information and advice they receive in different ways to help with their social interactions.

Focus group participants will be asked to provide feedback on a proposed layout and content for a new website for seniors being co-developed by RAV and Swinburne University. Each person will receive $50 for their participation.

Where: 46 Princess Street, Kew Victoria 3101

When: Thursday 26 July 2018. The focus group will run for approximately two hours.

Pricing: Free of charge

For more information or to find out whether you’re eligible for this study, please contact Kristie Hunter by email or by calling (03) 9261 8735.

We also welcome expressions of interest from those wishing to participate in future research projects.

Asking about family violence at work

Relationships Australia Victoria — Wed, 04 Jul 2018 00:00:00 +1000

Asking about family violence in the workplace can be difficult. However, a 2011 survey found that almost half of employees who had recently experienced family violence had talked about it with someone at work (McFerran).

This shows the importance of employees understanding family violence, and being able to ask about family violence in the workplace.

Read our new tip sheet for information on how to listen and respond appropriately when asking about family violence in the workplace, including:

creating a safe place
asking the initial question
responding to disclosure.

We also provide a range of resources that can be downloaded free of charge from our website, including:

For more information on positive, safe and respectful relationships, watch our Tips for a healthy relationship video.

McFerran, L. (2011). Safe at home, safe at work: National Domestic Violence and the Workplace Survey. Sydney: Australian National Domestic and Family Violence Clearance.

Support Group for Women

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 29 Jun 2018 00:00:00 +1000

Opening the Doors is a support group for women who have experienced family violence in a relationship and would like to join with other women to express themselves as well as regain their sense of self through learning, sharing, connecting and creating.

The group provides opportunities for participants to talk about their experience, learn from others, gain practical resources, understand the effects of family violence on women and children, and strengthen self-esteem.

Opening the Doors also involves hands-on activities that heal trauma through the body, mind, story and art.
The next program will commence on Thursday 26 July and run for eight weeks.

For more information and to discuss if this program is right for you, contact our friendly staff by calling (03) 8311 9222 or visiting www.rav.org.au/OpeningDoors

“(I found it useful) finding other women who have experienced the same or similar. Gaining the confidence to not feel ashamed, being able to identify trigger points. Feeling a connection with others and not feeling judged or isolated.” - Opening the Doors participant.

Please note, images are for illustrative purposes only.

Australian Institute of Family Studies Conference

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 28 Jun 2018 00:00:00 +1000

From Wednesday 25 to Friday 27 July, four of our Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) staff members will be presenting at the Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS) 2018 Conference at Melbourne Convention and Exhibition Centre.

AIFS is the Australian Government’s key research body in the area of family wellbeing and has chosen ‘What matters most to families in the 21st century?’ as the theme for this year’s conference, which is expected to attract around 500 researchers, policy makers and service providers.

Staff will present on our organisation’s innovative Family Safety Navigation Model, as well as our lawyer-assisted property conciliation service, the use of property dispute resolution in family law matters and how RAV is using a “theory of change” to shape culture around client needs, evidence and evaluation.

To find out more about the conference, visit https://aifsconference2018.com.au/

Free Information Session: Commit to Your Child’s Online Safety

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 28 Jun 2018 00:00:00 +1000

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) invites teachers, and other professionals working with children and young people in the Bairnsdale area, to attend a free information session hosted by RAV and presented by the Australian Government Office of the eSafety Commissioner.

This event gives you the opportunity to hear from the Office of the eSafety Commissioner on empowering young people, parents and carers to manage online issues, while committing to children’s online safety.

For more information, please download the event flyer by clicking here.

When

4 - 6pm on Tuesday 24 July, 2018

Where

Federation Training Bairnsdale Campus
48 Main Street, Bairnsdale
Lecture Theatre 201A, Lower Ground Floor

To download a campus map, please visit the Federation Training website.

Cost

Free of charge. Bookings are essential as places are limited.

Bookings

To secure your place, please RSVP by Tuesday 17 July via email.

National Apology to Victims and Survivors of Institutional Child Sexual Abuse

Relationships Australia Victoria — Tue, 05 Jun 2018 00:00:00 +1000

The Prime Minister, the Hon Malcolm Turnbull MP, has announced that he will deliver the National Apology to Victims and Survivors of Institutional Child Sexual Abuse by the end of 2018.

This announcement follows the conclusion of the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse and the release of its final report in December 2017.

Victims, survivors, family members of victims and survivors, those working with particular survivor organisations and all other interested persons are invited to share their views about the National Apology during a consultation process.

Details on how you can participate are available in this Information Sheet and through this Consultation Form.

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) welcomes the announcement of the National Apology and the consultation process being undertaken.

We also understand that there may be mixed emotions associated with these events and that it may be a difficult time for many of our clients, the communities with whom we work and other people affected in the community.

Survivors of child sexual abuse or those affected by the Royal Commission, the National Apology or the National Apology consultation process can contact our Reclaim Support Services for free, comprehensive support.

Call our dedicated phone number - 1800 052 674 or click here for more information.

Support for Fathers Project Update

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 21 May 2018 00:00:00 +1000

Support for Fathers is a national project that aims to support young men and fathers in their role as parents and partners, with the outcome of increased men’s involvement in gender equality and reducing violence.

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) is being funded to run this project by the Department of Social Services as part of the National Plan to Reduce Violence against Women and their Children 2010-2022.

Since late 2017, we have been inviting young men, fathers and service providers across Australia to join in consultations for our Support for Fathers project.

Over the past few months, we have been travelling across Australia meeting with fathers, families and professionals. Specifically, in Queensland, Victoria and South Australia we are organising several community and professionals’ forums focusing on bringing together people to talk about fatherhood. We are looking for opportunities to run similar forums in other areas of Australia.

The response to our initial invitation to participate in the Support for Fathers project has been significant. So far we have spoken to over 200 men, support services and organisations, and have found that they are welcoming the opportunity to provide their insights and feedback into how fathers can be better supported.

We are keen to engage further with fathers and professionals, to help us to develop relevant and useful fatherhood resources and a professionals’ toolkit.

There are a number of ways that professionals and community members can get involved.

Professionals

Tell us about the services you provide for fathers.
Arrange a time to talk to us via phone or Skype, or in person (depending on location and travel required).
Share this project with your networks.
Let us know about relevant conferences or networks that exist in your area.
Join our Facebook group for professionals working in this area.
Collaborate on a “Working with Fathers” forum in your area – contact us for more information.

Fathers and families

Tell us about the services for fathers in your area and any services you think are missing.
Let us know what you do for fathers in your community.
Register to participate in an upcoming survey.
Sign up for the Support for Fathers mailing list – contact us via email.

Throughout 2018, we will continue to travel around Australia to consult with as many services and fathers as possible. In 2019, the resources and toolkit will be delivered to the community.

For more information or to get involved, please contact Dom Alford, Project Coordinator – Support for Fathers at RAV by email or by calling 0437 305 881.

You, Me, Us: A program for couples approaching retirement

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 10 May 2018 00:00:00 +1000

On Saturday 28 April, RAV’s Kew Centre delivered a one-day workshop for You, Me, Us, a new program supporting couples to have the best experience of retirement, with the understanding that retirement is a significant life transition that can have long term consequences for health and wellbeing.

You, Me, Us has been developed as part of RAV’s Senior Relationship Services through a process of research and consultation, including with RAV practitioners, focus groups of retired Victorians and external specialists on memoir and lifewriting in the context of dementia care and broader health care.

The interactive, participatory workshop provides an opportunity for couples to

hear the latest evidence about what makes a difference to wellbeing and fulfilment in retirement
recognise the strengths they have developed through their years together
discuss similarities and differences in goals, values, and interests
consider and plan for some of the challenges ahead, including the unpredictable nature of ageing.

Feedback from our preliminary workshop was very positive, with participants finding it valuable to have conversations about their expectations, concerns and goals for retirement with both their partner and the group.

Participant feedback:

"I really valued the opportunity to talk in detail about retirement challenges and hear how other people plan their retirement."
"For me the highlights were identifying my purpose and meaning and hearing other people's stories."

Registrations are now open for our next You, Me, Us group, which will be held in Kew on 21 July from 9:30am to 4:30pm.

For more information, please click here.

The latest edition of our Training e-newsletter is now available

Relationships Australia Victoria — Wed, 09 May 2018 00:00:00 +1000

This publication provides subscribers with the latest professional development, training opportunities and news from the RAV Training Team.

In this edition, we share feedback from our first Introduction to Working with Couples workshop and information on how professionals can get involved with our new program supporting fathers.

We also detail our upcoming professional development workshops and accredited courses that you can register for, or complete before 30 June, including our Mediation Training Short Course.

You can subscribe on the training page of our website or the signup screen of our Facebook page.

You can read the e-newsletter by clicking here.

Visit us at Manningham City Council’s Modern Ageing Forum in Doncaster

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 27 Apr 2018 00:00:00 +1000

Date: Thursday 3 May 2018
Time: 1:30 to 6:00pm, official opening by Manningham Mayor Cr. Andrew Conlon at 2.00pm
Location: Manningham Civic Centre, 699 Doncaster Road, Doncaster
Cost: Free

On Thursday 3 May, we’re hosting an information stall at the Manningham City Council Modern Ageing Forum in Doncaster. This free event is open to anyone who wants to learn about how to age well in a modern world.

Over 25 different service providers will be attending as stallholders, and the program also features a variety of informative presentations and break-out sessions, in addition to a performance by Manningham Social Support and Ss Peter and Paul’s Primary School Intergenerational Choir.

Stop by our stall on the day to speak to our friendly staff about the services we provide for senior Victorians and their families, and get some great resources and fun giveaways.

For more information about the event, visit: www.manningham.vic.gov.au/modern-ageing-forum

Tuning in to Kids for Couples

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 29 Mar 2018 00:00:00 +1100

Emotionally Intelligent Parenting: Learn how to better understand and interact with your child.

The Kew Centre of Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) is pleased to provide a new parenting program, Tuning in to Kids for Couples.

Backed by evidence-based research, this program focuses on supporting parents to develop key skills to recognise and respond to their child’s emotions, conflict management, and helping their child develop emotional intelligence.

RAV is providing this free, seven-week program as a part of a research study conducted by the University of South Australia, to explore whether the program is helpful for parents and caregivers and their children, and the program’s effect on the relationship between them.

The program is for all types of couples, including couples who are married, de-facto, separated, step-, or biological/non-biological, same-sex, and non-custodial parents. It also includes couples or two people caregiving for children in foster or kinship care.

Tuning in to Kids for Couples teaches parents/caregivers to:

understand children’s brain development and emotions
help their children manage difficult feelings such as fear, sadness, frustration, and anger
build parent-parent and parent-child emotional connections
stay calm when dealing with their children’s challenging behaviours
assist their children to prevent/reduce challenging behaviour
enjoy time with their children and other parent/caregiver
work together when responding to their children’s emotions

Where: 46 Princess Street, Kew Victoria 3101

When: 6:30 – 8:30pm for seven sessions on May 15, 22, 29; June 5, 12, 19, 26 in 2018.

Pricing: Free of charge

Babies and children cannot be accommodated in groups.

For more information and to register for the program, download the program poster and parent information letter, or contact the Kew Centre’s Relationships Education team on (03) 9261 8727.

New Family Psychology and Counselling Service

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 08 Mar 2018 00:00:00 +1100

We are excited to have launched a new Family Psychology and Counselling Service.

Provided exclusively from our Kew Centre, the service is fully private, is delivered by experienced, registered psychologists and complements our existing range of funded services.

Clients can claim a rebate for this service with a GP-referred mental health treatment plan through Medicare’s Better Access initiative, or through private health insurance with relevant extras.

Please note, this service concluded on 31 January 2019.

Read about our range of specialised counselling services.

5th Anniversary of the National Apology for people affected by past forced adoption practices

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 02 Mar 2018 00:00:00 +1100

On Thursday, 21 March 2013, the then Prime Minister Julia Gillard, for the Parliament, and on behalf of the Australian people, took responsibility and apologised for the policies and practices that forced the separation of mothers from their babies, which had created a lifelong legacy of pain and suffering. She acknowledged the profound effects of these policies and practices on fathers, and recognised the hurt these actions caused to brothers and sisters, grandparents, partners and extended family members.

On 21 March 2018, a special video message recorded by Julia Gillard AC in collaboration with the Forced Adoption Support Services, will be released to honour and observe the 5th anniversary of this apology.

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) and its Compass Forced Adoption Support Services, is also commemorating the National Apology through participation in a number of events.

The organisation will acknowledgement the anniversary through internal staff events at a number of centres.

The Compass team will visit the Cherished Mother and Daughter memorial in Sale in Victoria, which was launched in early 2017 on behalf of all mothers. The memorial is a place for acknowledging motherhood, and for the mothers and others to reflect and contemplate the precious and sacred relationship between mother and child.

RAV staff are also attending a commemorative event hosted by ARMS and VANISH, which will feature a keynote address from Adjunct Professor Nahum Mushin on National Apology for Forced Adoptions – Five Years On. Professor Mushin chaired the Australian Government’s Forced Adoption Implementation Working Group. For more information on this event, visit the ARMS or VANISH websites.

For more information or to learn about RAV’s Compass Forced Adoption Support Services, contact Lisa Stockheim, RAV's Compass Program Coordinator – Forced Adoption Support Services by calling (03) 9313 4407 or by email.

5th National Elder Abuse Conference

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 01 Mar 2018 00:00:00 +1100

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) is committed to improving the wellbeing, safety and sense of fulfillment in older Australians by strengthening relationships, facilitating social connection, and reducing loneliness and isolation. Through our Senior Relationship Services, we work to prevent and provide support for those affected by elder abuse; an increasingly prevalent social issue affecting our ageing population.

RAV welcomed the opportunity to participate in the 5th National Elder Abuse Conference in Sydney on 19 and 20 February 2018, which focused on responses to and prevention of elder abuse.

Our Senior Manager Kew, and Business and Service Development, Mr Simon Curran, joined a panel discussion on elder abuse in the context of conflict and interpersonal relationships. In particular, the panel focused on the role and potential of mediation and other informal resolution processes when elder abuse is present.

RAV also presented a workshop and discussion on the organisation’s Steering the Right Path elder abuse education and prevention workshops, funded by the State Trustees Foundation, which are being delivered in workplaces and communities in metropolitan Melbourne and regional areas of Victoria.

We also attended an inaugural meeting of Elder Abuse Action Australia, a newly-funded peak body representing key community stakeholders in promoting policy reform and research in effective elder abuse prevention and intervention.

The conference was a valuable opportunity for services and those in the sector to discuss the issue of elder abuse, and share information on the services and reforms that can support older people and their families. Delegates were encouraged by a commitment from the Attorney-General of Australia, the Hon Christian Porter MP, to develop a national Elder Abuse Response Plan in the next 12 months.

For more information, read RAV’s Elder Abuse Tip Sheet or find out about our Senior Relationship Services including our information and support groups.

Sponsoring the Melbourne Queer Film Festival

Relationships Australia Victoria — Wed, 28 Feb 2018 00:00:00 +1100

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) is proud to sponsor a film at this year’s Melbourne Queer Film Festival (MQFF). The annual film festival has been held for over 25 years and shows a wide range of LGBTIQ-themed films, including features and documentaries. This is the sixth consecutive year that RAV has sponsored the festival.

This year we are sponsoring the Melbourne premiere of the film The Ring Thing, which is an ambitious exploration of the nature of commitment and how the prospect of marriage can raise challenges even within a loving relationship.

When Kristen (Nicole Pursell) misinterprets a ring Sarah (Sarah Wharton) shows her as the beginning of a marriage proposal, it reveals a couple in vastly different places in their relationship. Suddenly, deep-rooted insecurities about marriage and the fear of divorce flood to the surface, threatening to alter their connection forever. Hoping to understand her own ambivalence about marriage, documentary filmmaker Sarah sets out to interview same-sex couples about their relationships

The Ring Thing will screen at 6pm on Thursday 22 March at the Australian Centre of the Moving Image (ACMI) in Melbourne’s CBD. More information, the movie trailer and tickets are available on the festival’s website.

Support for Fathers

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 16 Feb 2018 00:00:00 +1100

The Support for Fathers Project is a national project that aims to support young men and fathers in their role as parents and partners with the outcome being an increase of men’s involvement in gender equality and reducing violence. Relationships Australia Victoria is being funded to run this project by the Department of Social Services as part of the National Plan to Prevent Violence against Women and their Children 2010-2022.

To do this, the Support for Fathers project will develop:

1. Resources for young men and fathers.

2. A Professionals’ Toolkit for support services working with young men and fathers.

We are inviting young men, fathers and service providers across Australia to join in consultations. If you would like to be involved or need more information, contact Dom Alford, Project Coordinator – Support for Fathers at Relationships Australia Victoria by email or by calling 0407 905 881.

The Support for Fathers Project is a national project that aims to support young men and fathers in their role as parents and partners with the outcome being an increase of men’s involvement in gender equality and reducing violence.

To do this, the Support for Fathers project will develop:

Resources for young men and fathers.
A Professionals’ Toolkit for support services working with young men and fathers.

We are inviting young men, fathers and service providers across Australia to join in consultations.

If you would like to be involved or need more information, contact Dom Alford, Project Coordinator – Support for Fathers at RAV by email or by calling 0437 305 881.

Download our project poster.

Click here to read the latest news and have your say by taking part in the Support for Fathers National Survey.

Remand, Review and Integration Project

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 16 Feb 2018 00:00:00 +1100

Corrections Victoria has contracted Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) to design a suite of non-clinical training modules targeting the wellbeing and personal development of un-sentenced remandees in prison locations across Victoria. Corrections Victoria has recognised that un-sentenced prisoners (remandees) present with a range of complex needs and require tailored intervention and support for their successful rehabilitation and reintegration into the community.

In partnership with Caraniche, a specialist provider of psychological services, ARV will design a suite of training modules targeting the wellbeing and personal development of remandees in prisons. Training topics include adjusting to change, positive communication, managing conflict, respectful relationships, stress management and independent living skills. The training package will focus on a strengths-based approach that incorporates adult learning principles to allow skills development in practical and interactive training sessions that link to supports.

The project commenced in December 2017 and will conclude in June 2018 with the delivery of a Train the Trainer package to Corrections Victoria staff, who will then deliver the training to remandees in prisons.

Corrections Victoria has contracted Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) to design a suite of non-clinical training modules targeting the wellbeing and personal development of un-sentenced prisoners (remandees) in prison locations across Victoria.

Corrections Victoria has recognised that remandees present with a range of complex needs and require tailored intervention and support for their successful rehabilitation and reintegration into the community.

In partnership with Caraniche, a specialist provider of psychological services, RAV will design a suite of training modules targeting the wellbeing and personal development of remandees in prisons. Training topics include adjusting to change, positive communication, managing conflict, respectful relationships, stress management and independent living skills. The training package will focus on a strengths-based approach that incorporates adult learning principles to allow skills development in practical and interactive training sessions that link to supports.

Conflict in the workplace

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 16 Feb 2018 00:00:00 +1100

How do you handle conflict at work? If there is a difference of opinion between colleagues about how to carry out a task or project, what do you do?
Conflict occurs when there is both a perceived difference between the interests of two or more parties. Therefore, conflict is extremely common.

Many people avoid conflict, however, managed well, conflict can have positive consequences and create opportunities for change and collaboration. By talking through different ideas and opinions calmly and constructively, colleagues can come up with new ways of working and completing tasks those involved had not thought of individually. This can actually help to improve outcomes, streamline processes and even enhance relationships between colleagues.

However, if people involved in conflict react angrily, defensively or avoid the conflict, this can damage relationships between colleagues.

So, the difficulty with conflict is actually not that it occurs, but rather how it is handled.

Recognising conflict early and acting quickly can reduce the likelihood of problems escalating and become more complex, and provides an opportunity to solve problems co-operatively.

To learn and practice skills in positively managing conflict in the workplace, register for our one-day training workshop by clicking here.How do you handle conflict at work? If there is a difference of opinion between colleagues about how to carry out a task or project, what do you do?
How do you handle conflict at work? If there is a difference of opinion between colleagues about how to carry out a task or project, what do you do?

How do you handle conflict at work? If there is a difference of opinion between colleagues about how to carry out a task or project, what do you do?

Conflict occurs when there is both a perceived difference between the interests of two or more parties. Therefore, conflict is extremely common.

However, if people involved in conflict react angrily, defensively or avoid the conflict, this can damage relationships between colleagues.

So, the difficulty with conflict is actually not that it occurs, but rather how it is handled.

Recognising conflict early and acting quickly can reduce the likelihood of problems escalating and become more complex, and provides an opportunity to solve problems co-operatively.

We're hiring!

Relationships Australia Victoria — Wed, 31 Jan 2018 00:00:00 +1100

Join our team and make an impact through the work you do! Three leadership positions are available. Keep an eye on career opportunities with us on our Careers page.

General Manager - Clinical Services

Reporting directly to the CEO, you will be a highly experienced and respected clinician able to lead the clinical governance of the organisation. Managing a team of senior clinicians, you will oversee and enhance existing clinical services, and lead the development and implementation of innovative new services. More information and apply here.

Practice Specialist - Therapeutic Services

A highly experienced and qualified clinician you will be responsible for ensuring the

provision of quality therapeutic services to clients, and effective clinical supervision

and support to practitioners. Part-time (4 days per week) ongoing.

Senior Advisor - Men’s Behaviour Change

You will provide practice leadership, program and service development for both

community and correctional Men’s Behaviour Change Programs.

Part-time (2 days per week).

Practice Specialist - Therapeutic Services

A highly experienced and qualified clinician you will be responsible for ensuring the provision of quality therapeutic services to clients, and effective clinical supervision and support to practitioners. More information and apply here.

Senior Advisor - Men’s Behaviour Change

You will provide practice leadership, program and service development for both community and correctional Men’s Behaviour Change Programs. More information and apply here.

Introducing our new Online Counselling Service

Relationships Australia Victoria — Wed, 24 Jan 2018 00:00:00 +1100

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) is excited to launch a new Online Counselling Service.

The new service allows people to book and participate in an online, chat-based counselling appointment with a qualified, experienced RAV counsellor.

RAV already provides a wide range of services to over 26,000 clients each year. The new service provides an additional way for the organisation to support people who may not otherwise access traditional face-to-face counselling services.

It provides the opportunity for individuals to discuss concerns or challenges with a counsellor who will provide practical advice, resources and support to find ways to manage their situations.

Online counselling is:

Convenient – counselling is available when and where it suits you.
Private and anonymous – you don’t have to visit a centre or office, or talk to someone in person.
Timely – you can book an appointment immediately, even outside of business hours.
Text-based – you can think about what you want to say before sending your message to your counsellor.
Online – some people prefer working and interacting in the online environment.

Visit our dedicated Online Counselling Service website to find out more and make an appointment.

Join us for colourful day out at the Midsumma Carnival

Relationships Australia Victoria — Tue, 09 Jan 2018 00:00:00 +1100

We're excited to start the year off in solidarity with LGBTQIA+ communities, as we get involved with the Midsumma Carnival on 14 January.

Midsumma Festival is Victoria's premier LGBTQIA+ arts and culture festival. It's a fun and vibrant day full of events across the state. Midsumma Carnival is a family-friendly community day that launches the Festival. It includes performances, a Dog Show, activities and delicious food - there's something for everyone.

Come by our stall and say hi! Find out more about Midsumma on their website.

As part of RAV's commitment to LGBTQIA+ communities, we've supported Midsumma in previous years and are excited to continue this.

Watch now: Videos to help people with common challenges

Relationships Australia Victoria — Tue, 02 Jan 2018 00:00:00 +1100

Watch our series of short videos addressing topics and common challenges people face.

You can watch all the videos on our website.

Topics covered include:

Good communication tips
Healthy relationship tips
Managing conflict
Managing change
Parenting tips

Response to the conclusion of the Royal Commission

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 21 Dec 2017 00:00:00 +1100

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) is funded by the Australian Government Department of Social Services (DSS) to provide free, specialist support to people engaged with or affected by the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse.

We welcome the release of the Report, and given the level of anticipation around this report, RAV supports the Federal Government’s decision to release it immediately to the public.

RAV also supports the Federal Government’s commitment to thoroughly review the recommendations contained within it and hope that the Government will provide a prompt and transparent response as to how the recommendations of the Report will be enacted.

We acknowledge that the conclusion of the Royal Commission may be a difficult time for many of our clients and the communities with whom we work, and that there may be mixed emotions associated with this event.

Read our full response to the conclusion of the Royal Commission and the release of the Commission's Final Report here.

Survivors of child sexual abuse or those affected by the Royal Commission can access free, comprehensive support through RAV’s Reclaim Support Services. Call our dedicated phone number - 1800 052 674 or click here for more information.

Latest Training e-newsletter

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 14 Dec 2017 00:00:00 +1100

The latest edition of our Training e-newsletter is now available.

This publication provides subscribers with the latest professional development, training opportunities and news from the RAV Training Team. In this edition, we introduce our new video about healthy relationships, and highlight upcoming workshops in 2018 including Introduction to working with couples.

You can subscribe on the training page of our website or the signup screen of our Facebook page.

You can read the e-newsletter by clicking here.

Workshop Review: What Works in Therapy

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 11 Dec 2017 00:00:00 +1100

Scott D Miller, PhD, co-founder of the International Center for Clinical Excellence (ICCE) in the US, came to Melbourne in December 2017 to deliver “What Works in Therapy” workshops to a broad range of external professionals as well as Relationships Australia Victoria staff.

At the ICCE, Scott and his center co-founders have been reviewing research in various psychotherapy treatment approaches over for 40 years, looking at the outcomes and effectiveness of psychotherapy and the factors that affect these outcomes. Scott presented on this large body of research in Melbourne, in a very humorous and engaging style. In particular, he discussed how therapists can improve their own work and practices can make effective changes to service delivery.

The evaluations from the workshops were extremely positive.

Participant feedback included:

It was fabulous!
Scott is a consummate performer with an impressive evidence message.
It’s the best training I’ve been to for some time.
I want to try to use the evaluation pre and post session.
The focus on the psychotherapist’s self-development and trying to challenge yourself.
The general unpacking of therapy and getting out of our comfort zone.
There were so many parts that were “lightbulbs”. It was great!

Scott has written a number of books and publications, and developed evaluation tools that therapists can use. Information about these resources are available on his website www.scottdmiller.com

Two of Scott’s books are also available from RAV at a special discount price. See our flyer for more information, or email ravtraining@rav.org.au or call the RAV Training team on (03) 8573 2222 to purchase a copy.

Walk Against Family Violence

Relationships Australia Victoria — Wed, 06 Dec 2017 00:00:00 +1100

On Friday 24 November 2017, RAV joined in the annual Walk Against Family Violence.

The Walk Against Family Violence is a community initiative that’s designed to raise awareness of family violence and the impact it has on the community. All members of the community are invited to join in the walk and show support for the elimination of violence against women and children.

RAV staff from across our metropolitan centres participated in the walk, including family violence practitioners and coordinators, community liaison officers and client service officers. The walk was well-attended, with a range of other family violence workers, agencies, organisations and members of the public participating.

In addition to participating in the annual walk, we also welcomed the opportunity to host a stall at Federation Square – where the walk began. Alongside a range of other family violence support services, we provided information and resources to visitors and those participating in the walk.

RAV recognises that family violence affects people from all walks of life, and we work to support all people who use or are affected by all types of family violence.

For more information click here.

Introducing Safe Resolutions

Relationships Australia Victoria — Wed, 29 Nov 2017 00:00:00 +1100

We are excited to be leading Safe Resolutions, a new service supporting Vietnamese families through family law disputes, including those affected by family violence.

In partnership with a range of local services, the service provides free, legally-assisted and culturally appropriate family dispute resolution for Vietnamese families experiencing separation and divorce in western Melbourne.

It involves Vietnamese-speaking program facilitators who understand cultural differences and translators trained in areas relating to family law and dispute resolution.

The Safe Resolutions service is funded by the Attorney-General’s Department.

You can find out more about Safe Resolutions here.

Watch now: I like, like you

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 10 Nov 2017 00:00:00 +1100

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) is pleased to share a short video about our I like, like you healthy relationships program for primary and secondary schools.

I like, like you is an innovative family violence prevention and mental health promotion program that promotes the connection between healthy relationships, and emotional health and wellbeing.

Since 2014, RAV has provided the program to 6272 students from 55 schools.

Watch the short video or find out more about the program.

Latest Training e-newsletter

Relationships Australia Victoria — Wed, 25 Oct 2017 00:00:00 +1100

The latest Training e-newsletter is now available.

This publication provides subscribers with the latest professional development, training opportunities and news from the RAV Training Team. In this edition, we highlight family dispute resolution, 'What Works in Therapy', the 'Tree of Life' and other training.

You can subscribe on the training page of our website or the signup screen of our Facebook page.

You can read the e-newsletter by clicking here.

Family Fishing Day in Gippsland

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 28 Sep 2017 00:00:00 +1000

You're invited to join us at a vibrant Family Fishing Day event in Latrobe on Saturday 28 October.

The Family Fishing Day, which has been run for over 11 years, is hosted by Churchill & District News in conjunction with RAV and is supported by 14 local businesses.

Mathison Park in Churchill will play host to the festivities, with a free barbecue for children provided by the Lion’s Club of Churchill.

The event will run from 10am to 2pm with the competition winners announced at the end of the event.

As this is an outdoor event, visitors are encouraged to prepare for all weather conditions.

Vote yes to marriage equality

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 07 Sep 2017 00:00:00 +1000

The federation of Relationships Australia organisations, including Relationships Australia Victoria, has joined the call for Australians to vote yes to marriage equality, in the upcoming national postal vote.

Relationships Australia National Executive Officer, Alison Brook said: “As a federation of organisations working across Australia with people from all walks of life we support marriage equality in this country.”

“All adult Australians should have the right to access marriage as a normal and inclusive next step in their relationships. This right is paramount in a society that values respect and dignity for all its members.”

Read the full media release here.

The federation of Relationships Australia organisations, including Relationships Australia Victoria, has joined the call for Australians to vote yes to marriage equality, in the upcoming national postal vote.

Read the full media release here

Read the full media release here.

Gippsland Pamper Day

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 28 Aug 2017 00:00:00 +1000

TiAll community members are welcome to join us to relax, unwind and connect with others.

Treat yourself to a day of relaxation and indulgence.

We’ll have massages, facials, and other relaxation activities including beading and adult colouring on offer.

A light lunch will be provided. Places are limited, so book your tickets now!

You're invited to join us to relax, unwind and connect with others as part of Relationships Australia Victoria and Gormandale Community House's Pamper Day.

Treat yourself to a day of relaxation and indulgence.

We’ll have massages, facials, and other relaxation activities including beading and adult colouring on offer!

A light lunch will be provided. Places are limited, so book your tickets now.

When: Wednesday 13 September 2017.
Where: Gormandale Community House. 32/34 Main Street, Gormandale.
Tickets: $15 per person. For catering purposes, please call Gormandale Community House on (03) 5197 7264 to book, pay and advise of any dietary requirements. Tickets will also be available at the door.

Click here to see the flyer.

Visit us at YouthFest in Banyule

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 28 Aug 2017 00:00:00 +1000

Join us for a day of fun at YouthFest, Banyule City Council's free event for young people!

On Sunday 17 September, Macleod Park will play host to live music, stalls and entertainment.

Drop by our stall and say hi! We'll have activities and giveaways, as well as information about how we can help you.

YouthFest is made for young people by young people. Find out more here.

Steering the Right Path

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 27 Jul 2017 00:00:00 +1000

With funding from the State Trustees Foundation, Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) has developed a new initiative; Steering the Right Path: Planning a Family Route for Ageing. The initiative has been introduced is in response to the increasing incidence of older Australians entering into problematic informal family arrangements.

As increasing numbers of Australians live longer and thrive in later years, it’s never been more important to plan ahead. Often, however, planning for the future is delayed until a crisis, illness or financial difficulty requires urgent solutions. As a result, decision-making can often be rushed, creating tensions and disputes in families, or resulting in unwise arrangements that can lead to undesired outcomes, including financial exploitation, loss of independence and abuse. Most of these situations develop incrementally in response to stresses and difficulties experienced by family members, however they can be avoided.

Steering the Right Path workshops and presentations, delivered in the community, aim to increase awareness of these issues in the community and to detail simple measures that can be taken to avoid the traps families commonly fall into.

The workshops focus on:

Planning: finances, living arrangements, care plans, advance directives and powers of attorney;
Preserving: family relationships, social connection, autonomy and respect;
Preventing: resentment, conflict and abuse.

RAV is offering a limited number of free workshops and presentations, delivered on site to relevant groups, organisations and workforces in the community, until the end of 2017.

Workshops will also be provided at RAV centres, for older adults and their adult children.

Participants will:

gain insight into the options available and steps involved for individuals and families to plan the best path forward based on their circumstances;
learn about the common pitfalls that can lead to tension, difficulties or abuse, or undermine family relationships over time;
find out how to avoid these avoidable issues;
learn about options for resolving issues when things go awry.

RAV recently launched the Steering the Right Path initiative with a workshop for 25 Case Workers from EDVOS (Eastern Domestic Violence Services). Participant feedback included:

“easy to understand, interesting and relevant”
“very relevant”
“very helpful”
“scenarios were helpful in understanding how elder abuse can occur.”

In addition to community-based workshops and presentations, RAV also offers interactive workshops to relevant workplaces, that are tailored to particular needs and interests.

For more information, visit our website, contact Kristie Hunter via email or by calling (03) 9261 8700, or contact your nearest RAV centre.

You can also view upcoming Steering the Right Path workshops here.

Introducing My Mum and Me program

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 03 Jul 2017 00:00:00 +1000

We are pleased to introduce a new family violence recovery program, My Mum and Me.

We developed the seven-week My Mum and Me program for children and their mothers to connect, rebuild their relationship and recover after experiencing family violence.

At the start of each session, separate activities for mums and kids support each group to focus on skills and concepts that are most helpful to them. Children will learn about insight, empathy, forming healthy relationships and help-seeking behaviours, while mums find out about self-care, using empathy in parenting and other healthy parenting skills.

Mums and kids then come together to share what they have learned, and take part in activities to rebuild and strengthen a healthy mother-child relationship.

Children will learn about:

tuning in to their feelings

managing strong emotions

resolving and repairing conflict

the effects of family violence

when and how to get support.

As a mum, you’ll learn about:

healthy communication skills

attuning to your child’s emotional needs

the effects of family violence on families

positive ways of parenting after experiencing family violence

self-care

identifying your own and your children’s needs, and how to get support.

At the start of each session, separate activities for mums and kids support each group to focus on skills and concepts that are most helpful to them. Children learn about insight, empathy, forming healthy relationships and help-seeking behaviours, while mums find out about self-care, using empathy in parenting and other healthy parenting skills.

Mums and kids then come together to share what they have learned and take part in activities to rebuild and strengthen a healthy mother-child relationship.

Topics for children include:

tuning into their feelings
managing strong emotions
resolving and repairing conflict
the effects of family violence
when and how to get support.

Mothers learn about:

healthy communication skills
attuning to their child’s emotional needs
the effects of family violence on families
positive ways of parenting after experiencing family violence
self-care
identifying their own and their children’s needs, and how to get support.

The first My Mum and Me program began at our Kew Centre in July, with a new group to commence in October. Find out more about My Mum and Me here.

My Mum and Me is one of our whole of family group programs that make up the Family Safety Model, which also involves men’s behaviour change programs and our Repair-enting group for fathers.

The role of the General Practitioner in responding to family violence

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 09 Jun 2017 00:00:00 +1000

At the Health Ed Annual Women’s Health Updates in 2016, our Practice Development Specialist Family Violence, Scott Mills, spoke about an important issue: family violence.

He presented on The Crucial Role of the General Practitioner (GP) in relation to family violence, noting that GPs are often the first point of contact for people affected by family violence.

Scott stated that “the importance of the role of the GP in creating a safe space can’t be underscored enough,” and he discussed issues for GPs to consider when treating patients who are perpetrators or victims of family violence.

Health Ed also interviewed Scott for two videos about the management of family violence, and the impact and prevalence of family violence in Victoria and Australia.

The presentation and two videos are available at the following links:

Family Advocacy and Support Services in Dandenong

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 29 May 2017 00:00:00 +1000

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) has welcomed the opportunity to be involved in a new Family Advocacy and Support Services (FASS) pilot at the Dandenong Family Law Court.

The FASS aims to support families affected by family violence (including people who have experienced or are alleged to have used family violence), through the provision of legal advice, safety-planning, social support services and referrals.

RAV provides a full-time family violence men’s support worker who is based at and delivers services primarily at the Dandenong Family Law Court. Through the collaborative service, clients can be referred to other relevant supports.

This builds on our expertise as a provider of integrated services to families and as a provider of quality services to men.

The FASS in Dandenong has been established by Victoria Legal Aid, with funding from the Australian Government as part of the National Plan to Reduce Violence against Women and their Children 2010-2022. RAV will join the pilot from 1 July 2017. The pilot runs for two years until 30 June 2019.

Find out more about the service on Victoria Legal Aid’s website.

BreakThrough: Ice education for families

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 29 May 2017 00:00:00 +1000

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) is pleased to be hosting three upcoming Breakthrough: Ice education for families workshops.

BreakThrough was designed to help families of people who use ice, by providing information strategies to help manage the challenging behaviours associated with drug use. It was developed by Self-Help Addiction Resource Centre (SHARC), Turning Point and the Bouverie Centre with funding from the Victorian Government’s Ice Action Plan.

The workshops help families to identify if loved ones are using ice and their patterns of drug use. It also provides strategies around talking to family members about their drug use, how they can manage challenging behaviours, self-care and how to access further support.

Our friendly staff will also be available during the two hour, evening sessions to talk about our services and how we can support individuals, couples and families.

Sunshine
When: 13 and 20 July 2017, 6 – 8pm
Where: Relationships Australia Victoria, 4 Devonshire Road, Sunshine

Melbourne
When: 18 and 25 July 2017, 5.30 - 7.30pm
Where: Level 15, 379 Collins St, Melbourne

Berwick
When: 15 and 22 August 2017, 6 – 8pm
Where: Berwick Family Relationship Centre, 1 - 2, 38 Clyde Road, Berwick

Click here to register for the sessions or for more details.

You can find out more about BreakThrough and register for upcoming sessions via the BreakThrough website.

For alcohol and other drug support, you can also call the Family Drug Helpline on 1300 660 068 or the Ice Advice Line on 1800 423 238.

National Reconciliation Week

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 22 May 2017 00:00:00 +1000

Relationships Australia Victoria is proud to stand with Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities to celebrate National Reconciliation Week 2017. National Reconciliation Week, which takes place between 27 May and 3 June, is a time to celebrate Indigenous history and culture in Australia, and explore the role we each play in the journey towards reconciliation.

This year, National Reconciliation Week marks two significant anniversaries – 50 years since the 1967 referendum and 25 years since the High Court of Australia’s landmark Mabo decision.

We’re pleased to participate in a number of National Reconciliation Week events in 2017, including the Banyule City Council Sorry Day Smoking Ceremony and Flag Raising in Ivanhoe, City of Whittlesea’s event to commemorate National Sorry Day, a community barbecue run by North Richmond Community Health, Yarra Libraries’ Reconciliation on the Rooftop, Yarra Ranges Council’s Healing the Spirit event, a cooking show at Prahran Market from Charcoal Lane highlighting native Australian food, culture and hospitality, and a Maribyrnong City Council possum-skin cloak making event in Footscray.

With the theme Let’s take the next steps, all Australians are invited to join in commemorating National Reconciliation Week, and be part of the next steps in the reconciliation journey. For events in your area visit Reconciliation Australia’s website.

Latest Training e-newsletter

Relationships Australia Victoria — Tue, 16 May 2017 00:00:00 +1000

The latest edition of our Training e-newsletter is now available.

This publication provides subscribers with the latest professional development, training opportunities and news from the RAV Training Team. This edition includes tips for helping children through separation, a review of our Family Violence in the Workplace workshop, information on our Mediation Short Course and Graduate Diploma of Family Dispute Resolution, as well as upcoming professional development workshops.

You can subscribe on the training page of our website or the signup screen of our Facebook page.

You can read the e-newsletter by clicking here.

Workshop review: Responding to family violence in the workplace

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 08 May 2017 00:00:00 +1000

We have recently conducted our one-day Responding to family violence in the workplace workshops with a range of organisations and workplaces.

Designed for Human Resources staff and managers, contact officers and other staff who may support staff experiencing family violence, this workshop covers topics including:

what is family violence
current prevalence of family violence in Australia
barriers to disclosing family violence
indicators of family violence
how to appropriately respond to disclosures of family violence
how to make referrals to specialist support organisations
self-care.

The workshop is very interactive and helps participants to become more comfortable with this difficult topic and having conversations with colleagues.

Participants commented that the training was relevant and helpful, resulting in increased confidence in approaching conversations about family violence, and a greater understanding of their role in assisting an employee, if required.

“(The workshop provided) many opportunities to raise and explore issues/concerns/anxieties around what is a complex and sensitive issue.”
“It was very informative and well run. I found the interactive nature of the session very helpful.”

For more information on our Responding to family violence in the workplace workshops, please click here.

Spotlight on helping children through separation

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 08 May 2017 00:00:00 +1000

Separation isn’t easy for anyone. At such an emotionally-challenging and painful time, it’s a big ask to put someone else’s needs in front of your own. But as a parent during this difficult period, it’s important to focus on your love for your children and their needs.

While it’s inevitable that children experience loss after their parents separate, they will handle separation better when they are not involved in the conflict between their parents.

Children can sometimes blame themselves for their parents’ separation, so they need to be reassured that it isn’t their fault. It’s also important to let children know that their parents will not stop loving them because they are separated.

Children will often show their pain through their behaviour.

Without the words to discuss their feelings, younger children may become needy, experience sleep disturbances or throw tantrums.

Teenagers may act out by running away or becoming withdrawn. They may take on risky and dangerous behaviour, such as misusing drugs and alcohol. It’s important to see these behaviours as a sign of distress.

What to do

Remember you and your ex-partner’s shared dreams for your children and hold these in mind as you negotiate tough times.
Find an outlet for the hurt and grief you are experiencing. Make sure that you look after your own emotional needs. Talk with friends, seek a support group or find a counsellor.
Try to establish a healthy parenting relationship with your ex-partner, unless there is a risk of family violence and it isn’t safe to do so. You will be connected forever by your children and there will be occasions in the future where you may be present at events together.
Remember that children also grieve. Talk with them about their feelings.
Establish a consistent daily routine for your children, to give them a sense of normality.
Keep your children informed about things that affect them. Prepare them for changes, such as moving house, and let them know when they will be seeing their other parent.
Seek family dispute resolution if you and your ex-partner are experiencing difficulties with financial agreements, parenting arrangements or property.

What not to do

Don’t fight in front of your children.
Don’t encourage your children to take sides.
Don’t speak badly about your ex-partner. Your children love both of you and are loyal to both of you.
Don’t grill your children for information when they return from visiting their other parent.
Don’t punish your ex-partner by threatening to or making it difficult for them to see their child.
Don’t ask your child to be the messenger between you and your ex-partner.

Download this information as a PDF tip sheet.

Learn more about helping children through separation at our Supporting separated families workshop. Click here for further details.

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) is a valued provider of services supporting young people, parents and families who are experiencing separation. RAV offers post-separation parenting courses, counselling, family dispute resolution, relationship education courses and family violence services.

Relationships Australia Victoria to work collaboratively to provide interventions to family violence perpetrators in Dandenong

Relationships Australia Victoria — Wed, 03 May 2017 00:00:00 +1000

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) has joined the Dandenong Multidisciplinary Centre (MDC) to provide coordinated interventions to perpetrators of family violence.

The Dandenong MDC was established in 2014 to provide a justice response and support service for victim-survivors of sexual crimes. On 21 April 2017, the Minister for Police, Hon Lisa Neville, announced the expansion of the centre to include specialist family violence police and community service responses.

RAV's specialist Family Violence Practitioners are participating in case coordination meetings with Victoria Police, Child Protection and other services to prioritise the safety and protection of victim-survivors of family violence, sexual assault and child abuse. They are also providing a range of other services to perpetrators of family violence, including initial telephone contact via the Dandenong MDC and further case work at RAV centres in southern metropolitan Melbourne. This approach provides timely interventions to perpetrators to prevent further violence, while also ensuring that the MDC remains a safe and confidential environment for victim-survivors of family violence and sexual assault.

Find out more here.

Official launch of headspace Bairnsdale

Relationships Australia Victoria — Tue, 02 May 2017 00:00:00 +1000

A new headspace centre in Bairnsdale was officially launched on Friday 7 April. headspace is the National Youth Mental Health Foundation providing early intervention mental health services to 12 to 25 year olds, along with assistance in promoting young peoples’ wellbeing.

Relationship Australia Victoria (RAV) was selected by Gippsland Primary Health Network (PHN) as the lead agency for the new headspace centre, which provides free or low cost confidential mental, general and sexual health services as well as education and employment, and alcohol and other drug support services. The comprehensive suite of services includes therapeutic, drug and alcohol counselling, psychiatric consultations, vocational guidance, help with job seeking as well as health and wellbeing services for all young people, including young people from Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander and culturally and linguistically diverse (CALD) backgrounds, and lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex and queer (LGBTIQ) young people.

The official launch of headspace Bairnsdale, which took place on Friday 7 April, was well-attended, with local community leaders, headspace staff, consortium partners and other local service providers showing their support for the new centre. The launch also attracted young people, including members of the centre’s Youth Advisory Group, who have provided direct input to ensure that the centre and services are relevant and inclusive to young people.

The official launch began with a Welcome to Country from Grattan Mullett Senior, before headspace Bairnsdale’s Independent Chair, Dr Mayumi Purvis, and Independent Co-Chair, Kimberley Matthews, spoke about their role in the centre and introduced the guest speakers. Gippsland Primary Health Network (PHN) CEO, Ms Marianne Shearer; headspace CEO, Jason Trethowan; RAV CEO, Dr Andrew Bickerdike; and The Hon Darren Chester MP, Minister for Infrastructure and Transport and Member for Gippsland; all highlighted the importance of early intervention mental health services in supporting young people to seek help early, achieve their goals and reach their potential.

RAV CEO, Dr Andrew Bickerdike, also talked about RAV’s history of supporting the East Gippsland community and how proud RAV is to be involved in headspace Bairnsdale.

After the formalities, guests enjoyed morning tea, toured the centre and talked to staff. Attendees also visited the nearby gardens to enjoy a music and art event, held as part of National Youth Week.

For more information on headspace Bairnsdale, visit headspace.org.au/bairnsdale.

Latest edition of Men and separation booklet

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 27 Apr 2017 00:00:00 +1000

An updated edition of Men and separation, a booklet supporting men going through separation or divorce, is now available online.

This resource was developed by RAV staff, in partnership with beyondblue and MensLine Australia.

This booklet covers topics including:

separation and men's experiences
looking after yourself
fathers and children
relating to your former partner
getting a settlement
the future
research about men and separation
where to get further assistance.

You can access the booklet online here. Printed copies are available to order here . For a single printed copy of this booklet, please contact your nearest centre.

Men and separation is one of a number of resources produced by Relationships Australia, including Women and separation, Safe from violence, Share the care – Parenting Plan and A fair share – negotiating your property settlement. Visit the resources page of our website to access these booklets.

Legally-assisted property mediation

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 21 Apr 2017 00:00:00 +1000

Helping separated couple to resolve property disputes.

When a couple separates, there is a lot to think about. Most people who are separating inevitably ask the following questions:

Will I have enough money to live on after I separate?
How will the property be divided and what will this include?
What happens with superannuation?

You can participate in property mediation and negotiate a settlement without the support of your lawyer, however many people find that having a lawyer attend the mediation can be very helpful. When you participate in property mediation and negotiate a settlement with your lawyer present to provide legal support, it is called legally-assisted property mediation.

Why use legally-assisted property mediation?

Settling a property dispute through court litigation can be a challenging process. There are often extensive legal costs, long waits to reach court and significant stress and anxiety around the potential outcomes and process of going to court.

Legally-assisted property mediation is often a quicker, more affordable alternative to litigation. It is:

Cost-effective: fees are set so you know how much it will cost

Timely: for most clients, property mediation can be completed quickly

Professional: our mediators are qualified, experienced and impartial.

Supportive: Lawyers can assist by clarifying details, drafting agreements, helping to prepare and exchange information and documents, and providing advice.

Legally-assisted property medation can be a quicker, more affordable alternative to litigation. It is:

Cost effective - fees are set so you know how much it will cost
Timely - for most clients, property mediation can be completed quickly
Professional - our mediators are qualified, experienced and impartial
Supportive - Lawyers can assist by clarifying details, drafting agreements, helping to prepare and exchange information and documents, and providing advice

More information is available on our website.

Call: 1300 181 984
Email: propertymediation@rav.org.au

Become an accredited mediator

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 31 Mar 2017 00:00:00 +1100

Our Mediation Training Short Course is accepting registrations for our July intake.

Over five days, learn the knowledge and skills of the mediation process, and how you can apply these to dispute resolution in a variety of situations.

You have the option to take the course with an additional assessment day, to become an accredited mediator.

Find out more

Guys, it's time for a PitStop

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 24 Mar 2017 00:00:00 +1100

It’s no secret that men don’t like visiting the doctor.

Compared with women, men are up to three times more likely to die of coronary heart disease, twice as likely to die of skin cancer, three times more likely to commit suicide – and much less likely to visit the doctor.

Alongside local health organisations, we'll be putting the spotlight on men’s health. Men who may have been neglecting their health and feeling more like a clapped out bomb than a V8 supercar have the chance to put their body through the pits for a free health check.

Any male over 16 years of age can come along to get a check-up.

Where: Health and Wellbeing Marquee, cnr Evan St and Pavillion St. Farm World Lardner Park, Burnt Store Rd, Lardner.
When: From Thursday 30 March to Sunday 2 April. 9am to 4pm.

Free cuppa and a chat in Traralgon

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 09 Mar 2017 00:00:00 +1100

with a coffee on us!

To celebrate Neighbour Day,

we invite you to join us for a chat and a free cuppa from Craig’s Hut Coffee.

For more information, call 5175 9500.

Start your Monday with a coffee on us!

To celebrate Neighbour Day, we're inviting you to join us for a chat and a free cuppa from Craig’s Hut Coffee.

Where: Relationships Australia Victoria (car park), 59 Breed St, Traralgon
When: Monday 20 March 2017, 9.30 - 11.30am

For more information, call (03) 5175 9500.

Download the flyer.

Connecting at the Churchill Community Festival

Relationships Australia Victoria — Wed, 08 Mar 2017 00:00:00 +1100

On Saturday 18 March 2017, the town of Churchill in central Gippsland will play host to the fun, family-friendly Churchill Community Festival. The event aims to bring the community together, so bring everyone along for events, stalls, rides, games, music, dancing and food.

We'll be celebrating with you at the event, and encourage visitors to stop by our stall for some free activities and a chat with our friendly staff.

Find out more on the Churchill Community Festival Facebook page.

Converge on the Goulburn, a celebration of diversity

Relationships Australia Victoria — Tue, 07 Mar 2017 00:00:00 +1100

RAV will be participating in the year's Converge on the Goulburn - a colourful celebration of multicultural and Aboriginal communities. With a cultural marketplace, workshops, activities, food and entertainment, all members of the community are invited to join in a day of vibrant fun at Victoria Park Lake, Shepparton, on Saturday 18 March 2017 from 4 to 8:30pm.

If you're at the event, stop by the Relationships Australia Victoria stand and say hi.
Find out more on the Visit Shepparton website.

New edition of Women and separation booklet

Relationships Australia Victoria — Tue, 07 Mar 2017 00:00:00 +1100

A new edition of Women and separation – managing new horizons, is now available. This booklet is designed to support women going through separation or divorce.

Women and separation was developed by RAV counselling and family dispute resolution (mediation) staff, in partnership with beyondblue.

It covers:

separation and women's experiences
looking after yourself
children and separation
relating to your former partner
making formal arrangements
the future
research about women and separation
where to get further assistance
suggested reading.

A free copy of the booklet can be downloaded now. Printed copies can be ordered online here.

Women and separation is one of a number of resources produced by Relationships Australia, including Men and separation – navigating the future, Safe from violence, Share the care – Parenting Plan and A fair share – negotiating your property settlement. Visit the resources page of our website to access these booklets.

Say hi at the Bell Street Mall Multicultural Festival

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 00:00:00 +1100

Please note that due to unfavourable weather, the Multicultural Music Festival & Market in the Bell St Mall has been be cancelled.

The Heidelberg West Bell Street Mall is celebrating Cultural Diversity Week with a Multicultural Music Festival and Market on Tuesday 21 March from 11am to 2pm. The festivities will embrace diversity through music, dance and entertainment.

We'll be at the event, providing a range of activities for kids and the opportunity to talk about our services and how we can help you.

You can find out more about this free community event on the Bell Street Mall website.

Celebrate LGBTI pride at ChillOut Festival

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 00:00:00 +1100

Between 9 and 13 March 2017, the Hepburn region will be transformed for ChillOut Festival, Australia's queer country pride festival.

Relationships Australia Victoria will be hosting a stand at the ChillOut Carnival Day on Sunday 12 March, with a range of activities and giveaways.
Our friendly staff will be on hand to chat with you about the work that we do and how we can help you.

We also invite you to drop by and try out our "chill out zone" - the perfect place to take a break from the hustle and bustle of the vibrant festival.

More information on the Carnival Day is available on the ChillOut Festival website.

Forced Adoption Support Service update

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 03 Mar 2017 00:00:00 +1100

On 21 March 2013 in the Great Hall of Parliament House in Canberra, the Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, made an apology on behalf of the Australian Government to people affected by past Forced Adoption or removal policies and practices. This apology occurred as a result of the contributions of many, including significant advocacy by many individuals and groups with lived experience.

In February 2012, the Senate Community Affairs Reference Committee published their report into the Commonwealth Contribution to Former Forced Adoption Policies and Practices. This included information from public hearings and private hearings culminating in 20 recommendations, including the need for the Commonwealth to make a formal apology.

Also in 2012, the Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS) published a national research study on the Service Response to Past Adoption Practices and on 25 October the Premier of Victoria, The Honourable Ted Bailieu, MP, made an apology on behalf of the Victorian Government.

In response to the Senate Enquiry recommendations the Commonwealth Government announced their intention to provide tailored support services to people affected by past forced adoption or removal policies and practices, leading to the establishment of Forced Adoption Support Services (FASS) in each state.

RAV is the provider of FASS in Victoria, through its Compass program. RAV has been funded not only to provide direct services to clients but also to administer small grants to stakeholders and other eligible applicants. The purpose of these grants is to assist existing advocates and groups to build their capacity and awareness of forced adoption within the community. To date, we have funded 16 projects, including two funding grants for events taking place in March 2017. Full details of the grant recipients are available here.

Lucy McCarthy, Compass Program Coordinator, said that in the past the anniversaries of the national and state apologies have been difficult times for many people.

“We would encourage anyone who is affected to contact us on 1800 21 03 13, which is a dedicated national number that will connect them to the FASS service in their state,” she said.

“Our staff can assist you with information, support and referral depending upon your individual needs.”

Further information on the national apology, as well as information on Forced Adoption Support Services is available on the Department of Social Services website.

Supporting the Melbourne Queer Film Festival

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 03 Mar 2017 00:00:00 +1100

For the fifth consecutive year, RAV is proud to support the Melbourne Queer Film Festival (MQFF). The annual film festival screens a wide range of LGBTIQ-themed films, including features and documentaries.

In 2017, we are sponsoring the Melbourne premiere of The Intervention, a comedy-drama that follows a group of long-standing friends who gather for a weekend getaway and attempt to stage a marriage intervention with one of the couples. The screening, which takes place at 6:30pm on Friday 17 March at the Australian Centre of the Moving Image (ACMI), is open to members of the public.

RAV representatives will be present at the event and filmgoers will have the opportunity to learn more about the work that we do.

For more information and to watch the trailer, visit the MQFF website.

Single Session Consultations introduced in Ballarat

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 03 Mar 2017 00:00:00 +1100

We recently introduced a new evidence-informed, client-focused counselling service at our Ballarat Centre. Single Session Consultations focus a client’s greatest worry, challenge or difficulty and what they want to achieve from their session.

These consultations can help clients to make sure they're getting the most out of their first, and sometimes only, session. They involve a longer-than-usual counselling session and a follow-up phone call to discuss the next steps.

Single Session Consultations can be used for a wide range of issues. We work to help individuals, couples and families to improve their relationships and find ways to manage issues such as separation and divorce, grief and loss, mental health issues, life changes, family violence, managing emotions, parenting issues and managing stress.

Importantly, attending a Single Session Consultation doesn’t preclude you from accessing our other services, such as ongoing counselling.

More information on the services, including the other RAV programs that offer the Single Session Consultations, is available here.

Learn Collaborative Couple Therapy from its creator, Dan Wile

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 17 Feb 2017 00:00:00 +1100

We’re excited to welcome clinical psychologist, Dan Wile, to Melbourne this June to present a Collaborative Couple Therapy Workshop. in Melbourne. The two-day workshop will provide a unique model for therapists to move couples beyond a spiral of alienation and into a cycle of connection.

Hailed by Dr John Gottman as a “genius and the greatest living marital therapist”, Dan will present the principles of the Collaborative Couple Therapy model and equip participants to begin to use doubling - the signature method of this approach - in their own therapeutic work.

Limited places are available, with a special early bird rate available for registrations before 18 April. Find out more and register your place here. Find out more and register your place here.

You’re invited: Connect with your community in Heidelberg West

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 17 Feb 2017 00:00:00 +1100

On Monday 27 March, the Mall in Heidelberg West will be buzzing with stories and fun activities, as the community celebrates Neighbour Day in the Harmony Centre.

Relationships Australia Victoria and Banyule City Council invite seniors, their families, friends and neighbours to enjoy a complimentary morning tea, a live music performance, and engage in activities where you can share stories and reminisce.

If you know an older person who might enjoy the event, ask them to come along or help them attend, and make a morning of it!

When: Monday 27 March, 10am – noon
Where: The Harmony Centre – Shop 48, The Mall, Heidelberg West

View the flyer here.

Neighbour Day is almost here!

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 17 Feb 2017 00:00:00 +1100

Australia’s annual celebration of community is coming to your neighbourhood on Sunday 26 March, so now is the time to start planning how you'll celebrate in 2017!

Neighbour Day encourages you to connect with others who live in your neighbourhood. Whether it’s a cuppa, a picnic in the park, a street party, or a simple message of support, Neighbour Day is the perfect opportunity for your community to come together.

This year, the theme is The importance of social connection for the elderly. Social connection is important because it helps to prevent loneliness, isolation and depression. This year's theme highlights how important it is to reach out to older people in your neighbourhood, particularly those who live alone.

More information is available on the Neighbour Day website, along with kits to help you get started with your Neighbour Day celebration, at home, in your neighbourhood or in your workplace.

Support for women leaving a violent relationship

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 10 Feb 2017 00:00:00 +1100

A new edition of Safe from Violence is now available. Safe from violence is designed to help women to understand the nature of violence in relationships and to guide women who are separating or leaving a violent relationship.

It includes new chapters on different kinds of family violence, safety and technology, and details of support available to those experiencing family violence.

Read it by clicking here.

Tips for new preppies

admin — Wed, 15 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +1100

School is starting in the coming weeks, a time of great change for new prep students and parents.

For your child, this can be an exciting time of new experiences, activities and friends. Some children however, find the disruption to their familiar routine to be daunting, confusing or upsetting.

Children may find the increased structure, longer days and rules of school to be very different from what they are used to at kinder, child care or at home. The transition to life at school is an important one. Consider the following tips to help make the process smooth.

Preparing
Most children will already have visited their school and met their teacher and fellow students before the start of the school term. Through school orientations, children and parents will have learnt where to find their classroom, playground and toilets.

Help your child to prepare for the first few days and weeks of school by encouraging them to try on their school uniform, or pick their clothes to wear in advance of the school day. Make sure that they know how to open their drink bottle and lunch box, and what is to be eaten at play lunch or lunch time.

If your child is worried about something in particular, such as making friends, talk to them about strategies that could help. Remind your child that the other new prep students will be feeling the same way. Despite a child being excited about starting school, they may find that it isn’t what they expected and become discouraged. Talk to your child about what school will be like and their expectations.

Routine
Establish good routines for before and after school. This may include restricting television before school, play time after school and a consistent bed time routine.

Make sure that you leave plenty of time to get to school, say goodbye and leave confidently once your child has settled in.

As school can be very tiring for new preppies, a cool drink or snack in the car when you pick them up after school can help them recover for the afternoon.

While your child’s school may offer structured after-school activities and sports, make sure that your child also has some ‘down time’ to allow for unstructured play time and to relax.

Changes as a parent
As a parent of a new preppie, you may find the changes affect you as well. Some parents find it difficult when they no longer spend as much time with their child during the day. For others, as their child’s world expands and they meet new teachers and friends they may find that they are no longer their sole focus.

While these changes may require some adjustment, remember that important development steps are being taken and increased independence is being developed.

Talking things through

Talk to your child. Listen to how they feel about school, and any difficulties they are having. Reassure them and talk about strategies to help.
Talk to other parents. While all preppies will adjust to school life differently, by talking others you can understand that many families are experiencing similar issues. Other parents are great resources for new strategies or ideas.
Talk to the class teacher. They are very experienced and can help you with any concerns you may have.

Taking time
Remember that the school transition process takes time. All children develop differently, and your child may take more or less time to adjust to school life, and learn new skills differently.

The most important thing is that your child feels happy and settled in the new school life. If you can achieve this, the rest will generally follow.

The Victorian Government has a range of resources for parents of new primary school students. Click here to find out more.

Give your marriage a chance

Admin — Tue, 07 Jan 2014 00:00:00 +1100

While every marriage is unique, all have one thing in common. When the two partners say those time-honoured words “I do”, they want the marriage to last for the rest of their lives, even though divorce statistics tell us it’s a hope rather than a reality.

The good news is there are programs to help you maximise your chance of keeping your relationship strong and healthy post the wedding.

One of these is Prepare, a pre-marriage education program that has been running successfully for 30 years.

Prepare is designed for couples without children who are marrying for the first time or making a formal commitment. This personal program involves the couple meeting privately with the same counsellor in three sessions.

As part of the program, each party completes a questionnaire, which is then assessed by the counsellor and discussed at length with the couple. There is plenty of time allowed for talking about what the questionnaire shows, and most couples find this of enormous benefit.

Prepare helps you to identify and build on the strengths of your relationship, while assisting you to explore ways of resolving conflict. While wedding days are often the stuff of dreams, the real life that follows will inevitably have its share of conflict and differences, and learning how to recognise this and resolve differences helps to keep a relationship on track.

Prepare also shows how you can strengthen your communication skills. This aspect is vital as so many relationship breakdowns can be traced back to poor communication between two people.

You will learn how to set your individual and shared goals for the future and develop a financial plan together, both important for a successful long term future.

For people who are about to embark on a second marriage or long term commitment, there is Prepare-MC, which looks at the added issues for people with children from a previous relationship, and explores how to plan successfully for their new family group.

Find out more about Prepare here.

Take the hassle from Xmas

Admin — Tue, 17 Dec 2013 00:00:00 +1100

‘Tis the season to be jolly, tra la la la la.... And hasn’t it come around quickly!

Christmas is almost upon us and most of us strive to observe this period as a season for giving, laughter, family and friends.

Ideally we want Christmas to be a rewarding and joyous time – one where we can share our time and hospitality in a spirit of generosity and goodwill.

But despite good intentions, the stress of the ‘silly season’ can also occasionally undermine our Christmas spirit.

Unfortunately it is not unusual for families to argue or fight during Christmas, especially at large family gatherings when alcohol is involved.

Financial pressures, isolation, interpersonal tensions and step-families can also be factors in preventing a happy and relaxing celebration.

So how can we improve the chances of a smooth, hassle-free Christmas and try to avoid family tensions?

First, it is crucial to have realistic expectations.

Remember that everyone is under stress in some way at this time of the year, and family members who argue throughout the year are likely to fight on Christmas Day as well.

Be prepared. Leaving things until the last minute (and that includes wrapping presents) creates unnecessary pressure on you and others around you.

Not everyone is lucky enough to be part of a family gathering. Isolation can be troubling for many individuals during the holiday season.

This could be due to a relationship break up, family estrangement or relocation to a new city away from relatives and friends.

If you are isolated this Christmas, keep in regular contact with your loved ones as this may help alleviate feelings of loneliness. Shopping for presents for your relatives and friends can also help you feel connected to them.

But most importantly, make plans for Christmas Day. If you have no one to share it with, consider volunteering for community organisations to help people in need.

Some useful tips

Discuss your Christmas plans as a family. This can help make everyone feel included. f you are part of a blended, or step-family, try to make some new traditions to help the kids deal with new family arrangements.
Don't feel like you have to see every single family member on Christmas Day, or to spend the day visiting lots of different places. As an alternative, arrange small get-togethers over a few days if you can, enabling you to spend longer periods with relatives you get along well with and to have a quick coffee with those you are less comfortable with.
Make Christmas lunch or dinner easier on yourself by delegating tasks among family members. Perhaps suggest a buffet, where everyone can bring a plate or drinks along.
Set a budget for the day and make sure you don’t overspend to avoid financial stresses in the following weeks. Stick to your shopping list and resist temptation to deviate from it.
Try to avoid over-indulging in alcohol – this is a no brainer. The less we have had to drink, the less likely we are to contribute to or cause an unnecessary argument.
Look for the good in people rather than focusing on their annoying habits. For example, focus more on the time Uncle Jack did something nice for someone, rather than on how much you hate it when Uncle Jack pinches your cheek and hogs all the food.
Plan to get everyone out of the house, if it’s not too hot. Walk to your local park, go to the beach or just go for a walk around the neighbourhood. A bit of exercise helps burn off lunch and will help to keep any rising tensions in check.
If you find yourself without people to share Christmas Day with, or perhaps spending it with relatives is just a tad too stressful, how about considering volunteering? Homeless shelters, nursing homes and other community groups can also use a helping hand during this time of year. Not only will you be helping make other people happy, you will leave feeling pretty good about yourself too!

Stop violence against women

Dr Andrew Bickerdike — Mon, 25 Nov 2013 00:00:00 +1100

Alarming statistics show that family violence affects one in three women, with one death a week resulting from it.

No one can argue that it is acceptable in any form, yet the incidence of family violence is increasing. As an organisation that deals with its impact on families, Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) strongly supports programs and campaigns that raise awareness about the issue and seek to change behaviours.

White Ribbon Day on 25 November is one such campaign, an annual event of the White Ribbon Foundation. Led by men, the Foundation’s purpose is to engage other men in ending violence against women.

So far more than 80,000 Australian men have sworn an oath to stop violence against women: “I swear never to commit, excuse or remain silent about violence against women. This is my oath.”

That they are prepared to do so publicly is highly commendable, and we urge men around the country to join them and speak up against this scourge.

But what is family violence? Is it just about physical or sexual abuse, or does the term cover other behaviours that seek to intimidate or control another individual?

Last year, the Australian Government amended the Family Law Act 1975 in response to three significant reports about how the family law system deals with family violence.

The resultant Family Violence Act changed the definition of family violence and abuse to reflect a contemporary understanding of what family violence is by clearly setting out what behaviour is unacceptable, including physical and emotional abuse and exposing children to family violence.

Under the Act, examples of behaviour that may constitute family violence include:

an assault
a sexual assault or sexually abusive behaviour
stalking
repeated derogatory taunts
intentionally damaging or destroying property
intentionally causing death or injury to an animal
unreasonably withholding financial support
unreasonably denying financial autonomy
preventing connections with family, friends or culture
unlawful deprivation of liberty.

The Act also defines a range of ways children can be exposed to family violence, such as overhearing threats of death or personal injury, seeing or hearing an assault, comforting a family member who has been assaulted.

One of the fundamental values we hold at RAV is that everyone has the right to feel safe and free from abuse and violence in their relationships. Our centres provide a range of counselling, dispute resolution and group programs to support people who have experienced violence and abuse.

We understand that it can be difficult to seek assistance. People may experience pain and shame in disclosing that a loved (family member) one is causing abuse and hurt. They may fear being blamed for the abuse, not believed or judged by social attitudes to gender roles and sexual orientation.

However, it is important to seek support as family violence has significant psychological, emotional and physical impact on those who experience abuse directly and on those who witness the violence.

Children particularly experience the harmful psychological impact of violence, regardless of whether they have been directly assaulted.

In addition to supporting victims of family violence, we offer group programs and courses to assist people who commit violence in the family to take responsibility for their behaviour and to encourage respectful ways of relating.

We see the roller coaster ride that living with violence creates, causing confusion and anxiety and sometimes leading to reactions such as depression, medical disorders and drug and alcohol abuse. The impact on children that we see is confusion, anger and fear.

Conversely, we also see men who have committed family violence make genuine attempts to change. We know that permanent change can occur when men are engaged in taking responsibility for their destructive behavioural patterns and making different choices.

Dr Bickerdike is the CEO of Relationships Australia Victoria.

How to manage lifecycle changes

Danielle Ollington — Thu, 26 Sep 2013 00:00:00 +1000

If there is one predictable thing about life, it is that it is unpredictable. The way couples manage both the predictable and unpredictable lifecycle stages can determine the health of their relationships.

Each stage involves people coming into the family system (a new baby) or leaving the family system (an adult child moving out, or the death of a family member). There are also shades of this, for example, when children start kindergarten and at the other end, with retirement. Moving through these stages can be both joyful and extremely painful because there is usually an associated loss, or threat to current attachments.

This can be seen when a couple have their first baby. While a new arrival is generally an occasion to be celebrated, couples mourn the end of their relationship as it has existed – it will never be the same again. And often this kind of grief isn’t talked about, the couple not acknowledging the impact of such a monumental change on their relationship.

Other predictable lifecycle changes include leaving home (for the young adult), becoming a couple, being a family with young children, being a family with adolescents, launching children and moving on, and being a family in later life.

Each stage demands an emotional shift to manage the required developmental tasks. When a couple has a child, for example, the emotional process is around accepting a new member into the system. The associated developmental tasks include joining together in childrearing, financial and household tasks, and realigning relationships in the extended family to include parenting and grand parenting roles.

In fact, one of the highest times for the risk of separation is the stage of being a couple with young children. There is often very little time for the couple, parenting is hands on and intensive. It can be a financially stressful time, particularly if only one parent is working.

Unpredictable lifecycle changes can include untimely death, retrenchment, divorce and remarriage, a change in religious beliefs, miscarriage, birth of a disabled child, accidents, chronic illness, and head injury.

Emotionally charged experiences such as death, illness and disability are the most difficult to be integrated into the emotional sphere of the family. Potentially they have the most impact on the couple relationship and the next generation.

Unpredictable events can also prevent a family from moving forward, for example, when there is a child with an intellectual disability, parental care may extend past the time where the phase of launching children occurs. In relation to the impact of death on family life, one of the biggest factors is whether the death is untimely and out of sync. A history of past losses can also impact on a couple’s capacity to manage.

Here are some tips for couples on how to manage the impact of the lifecycle changes.

Acknowledge the impact of expected and unexpected lifecycle changes.
Understand that each couple member or family member manages anxiety and grief differently. For example, sometimes men will throw themselves into their work as a way of coping. Their partners can interpret this as a sign that they are uncaring or cold.
Talk together so there is empathy for each other in relation to the impact of stress or loss, and an understanding of how you might manage it in different ways.
Be kind to yourself and your partner. Spend time doing the things that you both enjoy: dinners, bike rides, mini holidays etc. Make time for each other. Hold in mind what you admire and respect about your partner. Laugh together.
Find a way to create meaning from difficult times and loss that soothes you. One woman suddenly became retrenched. During her time of unemployment, she spent a lot of time with her mother who died suddenly some months later. The woman was able to reflect that losing her job had allowed her to have extra time with her mother, time that would not have been available had she been working.
Go to counselling sooner rather than later.

Reference:
Carter and McGoldrick (1988) The Changing family Lifecycle: A framework for Family Therapy Second Edition. NY: Gardner Press.

Service for sex abuse survivors

Dr Andrew Bickerdike — Tue, 13 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +1000

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) will be supporting Victorian survivors of sexual abuse who take part in or are affected by the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse.

We are one of 28 organisations nationally to receive Australian Government funding for this vital support service. Our centres in metropolitan Melbourne and regional Victoria will provide therapy, case management and support free of charge to child sex abuse survivors, their families and employees of institutions or organisations where abuse occurred.

The Royal Commission will enable survivors to be heard through a process which is genuinely independent and free of stigma.

It is very important that people get a chance to tell their story. Survivors are justifiably very upset about what happened to them and the impact it has made on their lives and that of their families.

Many people will need counselling and support when they tell their story to the Commission.

There will also be others who will be affected by what they hear. Our experience is that inquiries such as these generate a lot of media coverage, reminding people almost daily about their past traumatic experiences.

RAV has extensive experience and expertise in providing therapeutic services in response to trauma and the impact of childhood abuse on individuals and their adult relationships.

This has enabled us to partner with Berry Street Victoria in delivering the Forgotten Australians program for people who grew up in institutionalised care in Victoria until 1989.

Funded by the Victorian Government, RAV provides counselling for care survivors and their family members. The majority of referred cases feature complex trauma, with child sexual assault reported in a significant percentage of cases.

We have already experienced an increase in demand for services from adult clients affected by childhood sexual abuse, most likely resulting from the Victorian Government’s Parliamentary inquiry into the handling of child abuse by religious and non-government organisations.

We have a dedicated telephone number for the Royal Commission counselling and support service, which we have called Reclaim. People can call 1800 052 674 to make an appointment or seek more information.

For more information about the Royal Commission, click here or email rcsupportservices@fahcsia.gov.au.

* Dr Andrew Bickerdike is RAV's Chief Executive Officer.

Support for mental health

Jo Huggins — Thu, 08 Aug 2013 00:00:00 +1000

Families in East Gippsland soon will benefit from additional support to cope with mental health issues thanks to more than $1 million in federal funding for a new Family Mental Health Support Service.

Relationships Australia Victoria RAV) is one of 17 community-based organisations to win funding over the next three years to support children and young people who experience, or are at risk of, mental health issues.

Named I-Connect, the East Gippsland service will be integrated into RAV’s Traralgon Centre.

I-Connect will be based permanently at Bairnsdale, with service delivery at a number of outreach sites, including Orbost and Cann River,

Young people can face all sorts of pressures – including problems at school, with friends or at home – which can lead to mental health issues if not addressed.

By recognising the signs early on and working with children and young people to provide support, we can make sure they have better access to the assistance they need. It is also important that we engage the families and their broader networks in providing support.

I-Connect will provide intensive, long term, early intervention support for children and young people and their families based on a Family Action Plan; short term immediate assistance for families; and community outreach, mental health education and community development activities.

The service will be targeted at the 0 – 18 age group, with specific programs for different age segments.

The service coordinator and two case manager positions are being advertised, and we expect I-Connect will be open for business later this year.

I-Connect will provide essential support to children and young people to help them get to school, get involved in the community and build better relationships with family and friends.

* Jo Huggins is Manager of RAV's Traralgon Centre.

Post-wedding blues - dealing with life after the wedding

Sue Yorston — Fri, 19 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +1000

Our wedding day is much anticipated and we put a great deal of time and energy into making it memorable. We are surrounded by others - including friends and family – who have their own stories to tell about their wedding day, including challenges and special moments. But what about the post-wedding period, once the honeymoon is over and life falls back into reality? The things your partner did before the wedding that annoyed you have not magically disappeared with the fairy dust.

There is definitely the potential to feel a little deflated or experience the ‘post-event blues’ after any major event in which we invested a great deal emotionally. In this period, it is a good idea to focus on and remember the joys of the day, the love that was expressed and shared. While planning the wedding, you might also want to keep a list of things you want to do but don’t have time for, that you can focus on post-event.

Here are some of the other specific issues we face in the post-wedding period and tips on how to deal with them:

A new identity

It is easy to say ‘Nothing has changed, I am still me’. However, the reality is that something has shifted. A marriage is a legal contract that is binding, and like every contract it has a set of terms and conditions. Much of who we are resides behind our name, our independence, being someone’s daughter or son, or our professional profile. To go from being someone’s child to wife or husband is a mature step. You are grieving the loss of a part of yourself as you move to gain a new dimension – being a couple and sharing and caring for each other.

The in-laws

When you get married you are marrying into the family of your partner. The in-laws are part of the package and will be there throughout, just as you promised each other in your vows. In establishing a good relationship with them it is important to:

• Take some time to get to know your in-laws; one thing you have in common is you all love the same person.

• Always treat them with respect. Let go of the little irritants that we often hold on to, as they have a habit of reinforcing our negative opinions.

• Don’t drag your spouse into being the go-between – if you don’t see eye-to-eye with the in-laws then take personal responsibility and recognise that not everyone has to agree with your way of doing things.

• Don’t take sides in arguments. Avoid negative conversations about your in-laws with other family members - it may get back to them. Above all, make space for them in your new life together.

Approaching major decisions as a couple

Discussions on topics which involve major decisions - such as having children and buying a house - need to occur a long time before the wedding. We know that people who share values and beliefs are more likely to succeed as a couple. Therefore, discussions such as how many children and when to have them should happen early in the relationship.

A successful couple will have shared goals but also know and support their partner’s life goals, which will change over time. Making time to talk uninterrupted is important in all relationships - it gives us an opportunity to check in with each other.

Some couples react to the post-wedding blues by immediately launching into planning the next big event - such as having a baby or buying a house. Where a couple do experience differences in their life goals it is important to be able to negotiate respectfully and come to an agreed way forward

Our wedding day is much anticipated and we put a great deal of time and energy into making it memorable. We are surrounded by others - including friends and family – who have their own stories to tell about their wedding day, challenges and special moments. But what about the post-wedding period, once the honeymoon is over and life falls back to reality? The things your partner did before the wedding that annoyed you have not magically disappeared with the fairy dust.

There is definitely the potential to feel a little deflated or experience the ‘post-event blues’ after any major event in which we invest a great deal emotionally. In this period, it is a good idea to focus on and remember the joys of the day, the love that was expressed and shared. While planning the wedding, you might also want to keep a list of things you want to do but don’t have time for, that you can focus on post-event.

Here are some of the other specific issues we face in the post-wedding period and tips on how to deal with them:

A new identity

The in-laws

• Take some time to get to know your in-laws; one thing you have in common is you all love the same person.

• Always treat them with respect. Let go of the little irritants that we often hold on to, as they have a habit of reinforcing our negative opinions.

• Don’t take sides in arguments. Avoid negative conversations about your in-laws with other family members - it may get back to them. Above all, make space for them in your new life together.

Approaching major decisions as a couple

Solutions to repetitive relationship patterns

Danielle Ollington — Fri, 05 Jul 2013 00:00:00 +1000

In last week’s post we looked at some of the common patterns or cycles that relationships into which relationships can fall. These included:

• Distancer/pursuer - in this relationship pattern, one person usually pursues the other, while the distancer attempts to increase the distance between the couple.

• Attack/withdraw (or blamer/placater) - one partner blames and criticises the other, often stating that they never initiate anything, aren’t capable of real connection or don’t care; while the other partner withdraws into work, television, their relationship with the children or golf, for example.

• Over functioner/under functioner - one partner takes responsibility for most areas of the relationship such as financial management, social calendar, caring for children, paying bills; while the other forgets tasks they have been allocated and doesn’t initiate or follow through.

This week we provide some solutions for how you can interrupt the cycle and get your relationship back on track:

• Identify the pattern or cycle that you and your partner are caught up in and write it down (‘he says this, then I say this, then this happens’)

• Look at the primary feelings underneath for both of you. Underneath anger there is usually sadness, hurt, shame or fear (anxiety). Both of you are probably feeling anxious but have different ways of managing it. Often the anxiety is about the relationship being at risk: withdrawers often shut down because they fear that conflict will end the relationship. Pursuers pursue because it feels like the distance between them could end the relationship.

Partners can be critical as a way of trying to get a reaction from their withdrawn partner, to know that they still care. There may also be a great deal of sadness – we are highly attached to our partner and want our relationship to act as a secure base. When cycles are extreme, neither partner feels safe.

• It’s important to reflect on the cycle rather than keep reliving it. When you can reflect, you can think, promoting clarity and understanding. It’s then more possible to make a choice to respond differently.

• Stop blaming each other. Develop empathy for each other: you are both fearful, you are both sad, you just have different ways of showing it and responding to it.

• Connect it to the family in which you grew up. What kind of cycle did you witness between your parents? What was your role? What was missing in the family in which you grew up? How can you make sure you get what you missed out on earlier in your current relationship?

• We usually want to feel intimate and connected to our partner. When it feels safe enough, it is important to share the vulnerable feelings underneath the negative cycle. An example of this might be:

Distancer/pursuer ‘When you stay distant from me, I feel really anxious because I can’t reach you, it feels like you’re not there, and I worry that you are going to leave, that’s why I pursue you.’ And the partner might say something like ‘I am here, it’s just that I end up feeling so overwhelmed, I need space to think. I end up feeling not good enough for you, like I can’t meet your needs, and I have needs too. If you give me some space, I will come to you.’

• If it’s not working, stop doing it. For example, in a distancer/pursuer cycle, the pursuer needs to stop pursuing and allow the distancer to have some space. Talk about it. The distancer then needs to make an approach to the pursuer (invite them on a date, give them a hug, have a meaningful conversation).

• Remember to treat your partner with respect.

• Look at how many positive interactions you and your partner have, and use your power to increase them.

Is your relationship in a repetitive cycle?

Danielle Ollington — Fri, 28 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +1000

Is your relationship in a repetitive pattern? All couples have a tendency to operate in repetitive cycles and it helps to understand and be aware of some of the most common of these.

Consider whether any of the following patterns we see most often in couple therapy apply to your relationship:

Distancer/pursuer

In this relationship pattern, one person usually pursues the other, while the distancer attempts to increase the distance between the couple. For example, when couples seek therapy for sexual difficulties, one person usually pursues the other – this may involve asking for sex, making sexual innuendos, initiating sexual touch, criticism (‘do I have to look elsewhere’) or blame (‘it’s your fault – you never want it’). Meanwhile, the distancer attempts to increase the distance by going to bed at a different time, or rejecting the other partner (‘I’m tired’, ‘it’s too late’).

Often affection and physical touch disappear. The more the distancer distances, the more the pursuer pursues and vice versa. Neither partner is getting their needs met. The distancer feels overwhelmed by demands, out of touch with their own sexual needs, and the pursuer feels very rejected, unattractive, and unloved.

The distancer/pursuer cycle can also operate on an emotional level – where the pursuer always suggests the couple spend time together, go for a coffee, or talk instead of watching television; and feels as though the other person is not available or doesn’t want to be with them. From the distancer’s perspective, they feel that there are constant demands, eliciting anxiety, so they withdraw and become more distant (perhaps through work or alcohol).

Attack/withdraw (or blamer/placater)

In the attack/withdraw cycle, one partner blames and criticises the other, often stating that they never initiate anything, aren’t capable of real connection or don’t care. The more the attacker criticises, the more the other partner withdraws into work or television, or their relationship with the children or golf for example.

In this scenario, the attacker is actually fighting hard for the relationship. It’s also important to note that when the other partner appears to not be listening, or responding, internally they are usually highly anxious and may retreat to protect themselves from further criticism or conflict. Men will often report that they feel like a child who has a critical mother instead of a loving partner, and their response is to move further away, perhaps like they did as a child.

Overfunctioner/underfunctioner

One partner will take responsibility for most areas in the relationship (for example, financial management, social calendar, caring for children, remembering to pay the bills). Conversely, the other person will become the underfunctioner, who forgets tasks they have been allocated and doesn’t initiate or follow through. The overfunctioner usually feels angry, frustrated and exhausted, and the underfunctioner usually feels not good enough.

Women who overfunction come to therapy and might say that their partner seems like another child they have to look after, pick up after and organise. The underfunctioner is often quiet, and seems to agree with their partner. Often a part of them likes being taken care of, but another part wants to be more of an influence in everyday family life. The underfunctioner has often come from a family where they were perhaps given little power or responsibility at home.

The overfunctioner usually feels frustrated and exhausted. It can be useful for the overfunctioner to think about their need for control, or to maintain a ‘one up’ position in the relationship (again as a defence against feeling anxious or helpless).

These cycles are an attempt to solve a problem but often end up being the problem. The pursuer pursues to gain more closeness form their partner, but it has the opposite effect. The overfunctioner focuses on getting the underfunctioner to take initiative and an active role, but usually this results in no change, and so the cycle continues. The blamer is often trying to get a reaction from the withdrawer or placater, because any kind of reaction (even a negative one) is evidence that they are still emotionally involved.

All couples have to find a way to manage closeness and distance. There is usually one person who desires more closeness than the other. This can change over time or during a crisis, for example, at retirement, men often want to find a place in the home after being absent for many years – this can be stressful for their partner, who may have been in charge on the home front for many years and struggle with their partner’s need for more closeness.

These patterns also reflect the way that each partner tries to manage their anxiety levels. In the pursuer/distancer pattern, one partner initiates talking to reduce their anxiety and to close the distance between them. This however, makes the other person feel more anxious because they are opening themselves up to criticism, their partner expressing their disappointment in them, or conflict.

The way that each person behaves can be a way of protecting themselves from vulnerability and rejection. Underneath criticism and blame, there is often a vulnerability and a desire. For example, the woman who says to her partner ‘You’re never home and you don’t spend enough time with the kids’ is also saying ‘I wish that you were at home with the kids more often, and I wish you were here with me more often.’ The person who withdraws and distances themselves doesn’t do this because they don’t care – they do it to protect themselves from further hurt, and they do it to protect the relationship (if we have a fight, it might be so big that it will end the relationship)

All couples have to manage differences between them. Ironically, often the perceived differences when a couple meet are a source of attraction at the beginning of a relationship, but end up being a source of tension down the track. For example, you might admire someone’s work ethic and their dedication to their career, but 10 years down the track, when you have children and other stresses, it can feel like selfishness (‘he cares more about his job than his family’, ‘he’s never here’).

The way we think, feel and behave usually has its origins in the family in which we grew up. We sometimes repeat what we have seen our parents do, we find a way of dealing with a critical parent, or a parent who never seems to be there, we play a particular role (or peacemaker). Alternatively, we decide to do the opposite of what we grew up with (someone who grew up with critical parents can sometimes find it hard to set boundaries with their own children).

When relationships are in a state of distress or there are high levels of tension, these cycles often become more extreme. Blame also increases in distressed relationships. These patterns become repetitive and self-defeating for both people involved. This can lead one or both partners to think about separation. These cycles can also become abusive – criticism can lead to contempt for your partner, and these cycles can also result in physical violence, an act that destroys safety and intimacy.

Consider whether any of the following patterns we see most often in couple therapy apply to your relationship:

Distancer/pursuer

Attack/withdraw (or blamer/placater)

In this scenario, the attacker is actually fighting hard for the relationship. It’s also important to note that when the other partner appears not to be listening or responding, internally they are usually highly anxious and may retreat to protect themselves from further criticism or conflict. Men will often report that they feel like a child who has a critical mother instead of a loving partner, and their response is to move further away, perhaps like they did as a child.

Overfunctioner/underfunctioner

In this cycle, one partner will take responsibility for most areas of the relationship (financial management, social calendar, caring for children, remembering to pay the bills). Conversely, the other person will become the underfunctioner, who forgets tasks they have been allocated and doesn’t initiate or follow through. The overfunctioner usually feels angry, frustrated and exhausted, and the underfunctioner usually feels not good enough.

Women who overfunction come to therapy and often say their partner seems like another child they have to look after, pick up after and organise. The underfunctioner is often quiet, and appears to agree with their partner. Often a part of them likes being taken care of, but another part wants to be more of an influence in everyday family life. The underfunctioner has often come from a family where they were perhaps given little power or responsibility at home.

These cycles are an attempt to solve a problem, but often end up being the problem. The pursuer pursues to gain more closeness form their partner, but it has the opposite effect. The overfunctioner focuses on getting the underfunctioner to take initiative and an active role, but usually this results in no change, and so the cycle continues. The blamer is often trying to get a reaction from the withdrawer or placater, because any kind of reaction (even a negative one) is evidence that they are still emotionally involved.

All couples have to find a way to manage closeness and distance. There is usually one person who desires more closeness than the other. This can change over time or during a crisis, for example, at retirement, men often want to find a place in the home after being absent for many years – this can be stressful for their partner, who may have been in charge on the home front for many years and struggle with their partner’s need for more closeness.

These patterns also reflect the way that each partner tries to manage their anxiety levels. In the pursuer/distancer pattern, one partner initiates talking to reduce their anxiety and to close the distance between them. This however, makes the other person feel more anxious because they are opening themselves up to criticism, their partner expressing their disappointment in them, or conflict.

The way that each person behaves can be a way of protecting themselves from vulnerability and rejection. Underneath criticism and blame, there is often a vulnerability and a desire. For example, the woman who says to her partner ‘You’re never home and you don’t spend enough time with the kids’ is also saying ‘I wish that you were at home with the kids more often, and I wish you were here with me more often.’ The person who withdraws and distances themselves doesn’t do this because they don’t care – they do it to protect themselves from further hurt, and they do it to protect the relationship (if we have a fight, it might be so big that it will end the relationship)

All couples have to manage differences between them. Ironically, often the perceived differences when a couple meet are a source of attraction at the beginning of a relationship, but end up being a source of tension down the track. For example, you might admire someone’s work ethic and their dedication to their career, but 10 years down the track, when you have children and other stresses, it can feel like selfishness (‘he cares more about his job than his family’, ‘he’s never here’).

The way we think, feel and behave usually has its origins in the family in which we grew up. We sometimes repeat what we have seen our parents do, we find a way of dealing with a critical parent, or a parent who never seems to be there, we play a particular role (or peacemaker). Alternatively, we decide to do the opposite of what we grew up with (someone who grew up with critical parents can sometimes find it hard to set boundaries with their own children).

When relationships are in a state of distress or there are high levels of tension, these cycles often become more extreme. Blame also increases in distressed relationships. These patterns become repetitive and self-defeating for both people involved. This can lead one or both partners to think about separation. These cycles can also become abusive – criticism can lead to contempt for your partner, and these cycles can also result in physical violence, an act that destroys safety and intimacy.

Stay tuned for next week's blog where we will look at solutions to get your relationship back on track.

Help give children a voice

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 00:00:00 +1000

Did you know that more than one third of children whose parents separate are exposed to domestic violence and sustained high conflict? This can result in serious consequences for children's healthy development and well-being.

As the State's largest provider of community services for families and children experiencing separation and divorce, RAV has launched a new fundraising appeal to help support children affected by family violence and sustained high conflict following parental separation.

The Voice of the Child campaign aims to support children and their parents and to interrupt the impact of negative patterns of parenting being passed on to the next generation.

RAV Senior Manager, Business and Service Development, Simon Curran said: “Although most children adjust over time to their parents’ separation, however saddened by the experience they have been, exposure to sustained parental conflict is a major risk factor for children’s adjustment.

“The risk exists whether parents stay together or divorce, and is compounded when violence is present. It has a significant impact on children’s emotional, psychological, neurological, physical and cognitive development,” Mr Curran said.

Funds raised through the appeal will be used to support a range of initiatives to fill gaps in current RAV services and improve outcomes, including:

improving children's access to trauma assessment, treatment, counselling and support groups
educating the community - including teachers - about the impacts of violence and sustained high conflict on children
developing age-appropriate resources for affected children
conducting research to improve policy reform and practices in Australian family law processes
capturing and publishing children's experiences of parental separation through narrative, poems and pictures.

To find out more about Voice of the Child and how you can help, click here.

Young people the spotlight in gambling forum

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 17 May 2013 00:00:00 +1000

To mark Responsible Gambling Awareness Week, RAV, the Victorian Responsible Gambling Foundation and Child and Family Services Ballarat will present a parent and community education forum on Wednesday 22 May in Ballarat.

The forum will have a particular focus on young people and address gambling trends, emerging technology – including the growth in online gambling and gaming smart phone apps - as well as traditional forms of gambling.

RAV Gambler’s Help Coordinator, Kathy Griffin will participate in the panel discussion to consider:

• how to discuss gambling with your child or student

• increased technological access to gambling and gaming

• the relationship between sport, gambling and advertising

• tips for parents.

Commenting on the need for the forum, Kathy said: “At the rate online gambling is growing it is imperative that parents of young people are aware of the pitfalls associated with this method of gambling. Not only is online gambling easily accessible through social media, additionally only 32 of the 2,400 gambling sites in Australia are regulated.”

Other speakers and panellists include:

• Dr Jeffrey Derevensky, McGill University, Canada, an internationally recognised authority in the field of youth gambling.

• Dr Daniel King, The University of Adelaide, Researcher in digital technology-based addictions.

• Gary Palmer, Principal, Ballarat High School.

• Jacqui Marshall, Child and Family Services Ballarat.

• Daniel Ward, Former AFL Footballer, and Responsible Gambling Awareness Week Ambassador.

RAV runs a free counselling service for people impacted by out-of-control gambling behaviour, through its Gamblers Help program based in Ballarat. The service is offered to residents in the Grampians region.

For further information on RAV’s Gamblers Help program, contact Coordinator, Kathy Griffin on: (03) 5337 9210 or by email.

RAV Gambler’s Help Coordinator, Kathy Griffin will participate in the panel discussion to consider:

• how to discuss gambling with your child or student

• increased technological access to gambling and gaming

• the relationship between sport, gambling and advertising

• tips for parents.

Commenting on the need for the forum, Kathy said: “At the rate online gambling is growing it is imperative that parents of young people are aware of the pitfalls associated with this method of gambling. Not only is online gambling easily accessible through social media, but only 32 of the 2,400 gambling sites in Australia are regulated.”

Other speakers and panellists include:

• Dr Jeffrey Derevensky, McGill University, Canada, an internationally recognised authority in the field of youth gambling.

• Dr Daniel King, The University of Adelaide, Researcher in digital technology-based addictions.

• Gary Palmer, Principal, Ballarat High School.

• Jacqui Marshall, Child and Family Services Ballarat.

• Daniel Ward, Former AFL Footballer, and Responsible Gambling Awareness Week Ambassador.

Responsible Gambling Week is taking place across Australia on 20 - 26 May. To register for the forum, visit the Responsible Gambling Awareness Week website.

Focus on family violence

Admin — Tue, 30 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +1000

Family violence is endemic in Australian society. It does not discriminate against income, race, religion, or location. It can be found just as easily in Sydney’s west as in Melbourne’s leafy suburbs.

Alarming statistics show that family violence affects one in three women, with one death a week resulting from it. No one can argue that it is acceptable in any form, yet the incidence of family violence is increasing.

As an organisation that deals with its impact on families, Relationships Australia strongly supports programs that raise awareness about the issue and seek to change behaviours.

An example of this is our sponsorship of the White Ribbon International conference to be held in Sydney from 13 to 15 May. The conference theme, Global to Local: Preventing Men’s Violence against Women – Research, Policy and Practice in One Space, focuses attention on what is a shattering issue in our society that results in devastating costs to individuals, our communities and the nation.

But what is family violence? Is it just about physical or sexual abuse, or does the term cover other behaviours that seek to intimidate or control another individual?

The Australian Government has amended the Family Law Act 1975 in response to three significant reports about how the family law system deals with family violence.

The resultant Family Violence Act, which became law in June 2012, changed the definition of family violence and abuse to reflect a contemporary understanding of what family violence is by clearly setting out what behaviour is unacceptable, including physical and emotional abuse and exposing children to family violence.

Under the Act, examples of behaviour that may constitute family violence include:

• an assault
• a sexual assault or sexually abusive behaviour
• stalking
• repeated derogatory taunts
• intentionally damaging or destroying property
• intentionally causing death or injury to an animal
• unreasonably withholding financial support
• unreasonably denying financial autonomy
• preventing connections with family, friends or culture
• unlawful deprivation of liberty.

The Act also defines a range of ways children can be exposed to family violence, such as overhearing threats of death or personal injury, seeing or hearing an assault, comforting a family member who has been assaulted.

One of the fundamental values we hold at Relationships Australia is that everyone has the right to feel safe and free from abuse and violence in their relationships.

Our centres provide a range of counselling, dispute resolution and group programs to support people who have experienced violence and abuse. We understand that it can be difficult to seek assistance. People may experience pain and shame in disclosing that a loved one is causing abuse and hurt.

They may fear being blamed for the abuse, not believed or judged by social attitudes to gender roles and sexual orientation. However, it is important to seek support as family violence has significant psychological, emotional and physical impact on those who experience abuse directly and on those who witness the violence. Children particularly experience the harmful psychological impact of violence, regardless of whether they have been directly assaulted.

In addition to supporting victims of family violence, we offer group programs and courses to assist people who commit violence in the family to take responsibility for their behaviour and to encourage respectful ways of relating.

We see the roller coaster ride that living with violence creates, causing confusion and anxiety and sometimes leading to reactions such as depression, medical disorders and drug and alcohol abuse. The impact on children that we see is confusion, anger and fear.

Conversely, we also see men who have committed family violence make genuine attempts to change. We know that permanent change can occur when men are engaged in taking responsibility for their destructive behavioural patterns and making different choices.

For more information on our family violence programs, call 1300 364 277. Services are available nationally.

Help us make a difference

Dr Andrew Bickerdike — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 00:00:00 +1100

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) has been supporting Victorians for nearly 65 years.

We started out in 1948 offering marriage guidance for couples struggling to readjust to married life after the Second World War.

Of course times have changed, and with them so have people’s needs and RAV’s response to those needs.

In contrast to the early years, we have very diverse clients – families, children, couples and individuals, including people from other cultures and Aboriginal or Torres Strait Islanders.

We have successfully evolved from being an organisation delivering primarily marriage guidance to one that provides a range of specialist services to meet the differing and often complex needs of our clients and the community.

We have no religious affiliations and aim to help all members of the community regardless of their religion, age, gender, sexual orientation, lifestyle choice, cultural background or economic circumstances.

A not for profit organisation, RAV is largely dependent on government grants to fund our programs. Combined with income from client fees, the funding we receive from both the Australian and Victorian Governments goes a long way towards enabling us to deliver our much-needed services.

From time to time, we also secure grants from other organisations for specific activities. Recent examples include:

- the Australian Research Council for research projects that help us to understand current issues and improve our service deliver
- the Ian Potter Foundation for an Australian Institute of Family Studies evaluation of our Fun for Kids program
- the Legal Services Board Grants Program for a Vietnamese-speaking family violence program in Melbourne’s western suburbs
- LaTrobe City Council for a community strengthening program for bushfire-impacted Gippslanders.

These grants have been very welcome. Sadly however, the need for our services is sometimes greater than our ability to pay for them. So we have implemented a fundraising program to boost our ability to meet that need.

Donations from members of the community will enable us to provide extra resources for programs that our existing funds do not cover and help us to make a difference to people’s lives.

All donations over $2 are tax deductible. Click here to make your contribution.

Dr Andrew Bickerdike is the CEO of Relationships Australia Victoria.

We welcome the Prime Minister's apology for forced adoptions

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +1100

Relationships Australia today congratulated Prime Minister Julia Gillard, as she delivered an historical apology on behalf of the Australian Government, to people affected by forced adoption or removal policies and practices.

The national apology was witnessed by over 800 victims of forced or past adoptions in the Great Hall at Parliament House, including Meg Hale, who had her baby girl forcibly taken from her straight after giving birth as an 18 year old in 1968.

Meg said today’s apology was a long time coming, “"As a mother who lost my baby 43 years ago I am glad to see the Federal Government acknowledge the truth about forced adoption so that my daughter may know the truth that she was not voluntarily given away. I am proud of the work we did to expose the myth about adoption and that after 30 years of hard work it has resulted in an Apology from not only each State and Territory but from the Federal Government of Australia."

Evelyn Robinson who had her baby son taken from her at the age of 19 was also in Canberra today to witness this historical moment of which she said, “The federal apology has the potential to contribute in a major way to healing and understanding. Australia is setting a commendable example to the rest of the world.”

Relationships Australia (SA) Manager of Post Adoption Support Services, Nikki Hartmann said that today’s apology will bring out a lot of strong emotions in those who have been affected by forced adoptions, “The countless women who had their babies taken away have lived with feelings of terrible guilt, shame and sorrow for a long time. Today’s apology is an important step in validating what these families have suffered and for the children who were adopted out, to know that it wasn’t by choice.”

While it is difficult to know exactly how many people were affected by forced adoptions, the Australian Institute of Family Studies believes the number to be at least 200,000. It has only been since the 1980s that the policy was overturned and until very recently the trauma it caused gone unacknowledged.

Chair of Relationships Australia’s National Board, Mat Rowell welcomed the Prime Minister’s apology stating, “It is important to raise community awareness about forced adoptions and I believe the Prime Minister’s acknowledgement of the trauma this practice caused will help to do that. We have seen firsthand the effect of forced adoptions which is why we have a range of services to help support people through this.”

If you require professional support please contact Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277 or go to our website www.relationships.org.au

Meg said today’s apology was a long time coming: "As a mother who lost my baby 43 years ago I am glad to see the Federal Government acknowledge the truth about forced adoption so that my daughter may know the truth that she was not voluntarily given away. I am proud of the work we did to expose the myth about adoption and that after 30 years of hard work it has resulted in an Apology from not only each State and Territory but from the Federal Government of Australia."

Evelyn Robinson who had her baby son taken from her at the age of 19 was also in Canberra today to witness this historical moment. She said: “The federal apology has the potential to contribute in a major way to healing and understanding. Australia is setting a commendable example to the rest of the world.”

Relationships Australia (SA) Manager of Post Adoption Support Services, Nikki Hartmann said that today’s apology will bring out a lot of strong emotions in those who have been affected by forced adoptions. “The countless women who had their babies taken away have lived with feelings of terrible guilt, shame and sorrow for a long time. Today’s apology is an important step in validating what these families have suffered and for the children who were adopted out, to know that it wasn’t by choice.”

While it is difficult to know exactly how many people were affected by forced adoptions, the Australian Institute of Family Studies believes the number to be at least 200,000. It has only been since the 1980s that the policy was overturned; and until very recently the trauma it caused has gone unacknowledged.

Chair of Relationships Australia’s National Board, Mat Rowell welcomed the Prime Minister’s apology stating, “It is important to raise community awareness about forced adoptions and I believe the Prime Minister’s acknowledgement of the trauma this practice caused will help to do that. We have seen first hand the effect of forced adoptions which is why we have a range of services to help support people through this.”

If you require professional support please contact Relationships Australia Victoria on 1300 364 277.

Racism stops with me

Dr Andrew Bickerdike — Thu, 21 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +1100

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) is proud to affirm its commitment to ending racism on the International Day for the Elimination of Racial Discrimination.

RAV has joined forces with some of Australia’s leading businesses, sporting bodies and NGOs to support the “Racism. It stops with me” campaign, being led by the Australian Human Rights Commission.

The campaign emphasises the importance of taking a stand against racism whenever it happens.

Our commitment to this initiative is a natural extension of our aim to help all members of the community, regardless of their religion, age, gender, sexual orientation, lifestyle choice, cultural background or economic circumstances.

We strongly support and celebrate the creation of a multicultural society in which all Australians feel valued and have the opportunity to participate fully, without discrimination.

RAV has a comprehensive program to reinforce our commitment to diversity and social inclusion and build our capacity to meet the needs of people from all cultures.

The International Day was proclaimed by the UN General Assembly in 1966, to coincide with the date in 1960 when police killed 69 people in Sharpeville, South Africa at a peaceful protest against apartheid laws. The theme for the International Day in 2013 is “Racism and Sport”.

For more information about the campaign, or to find a range of anti-racism resources, go to: http://itstopswithme.humanrights.gov.au/

Or follow the campaign on Twitter @ItStopsWithMe.

Australia's first National Children's Commissioner appointed

Relationships Australia Victoria — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 00:00:00 +1100

Relationships Australia welcomes the recent appointment of Ms Megan Mitchell as Australia’s first National Children’s Commissioner. Prime Minister, Julia Gillard announced the appointment as part of the National Framework for Protecting Australia’s Children 2009-2020.

Relationships Australia’s Chair of the National Board, Mr Mat Rowell is delighted that Australian children will now have a national voice, “Ms Mitchell’s appointment is an important step in the right direction of protecting Australian children. The fact that there will be a clear focus on vulnerable or at-risk groups of children including those with a disability, Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children, homeless children or those children witnessing or subjected to violence will be key in protecting the basic human rights of our next generation and those to follow.” Mr Rowell said.

“At Relationships Australia we believe that all children have the right to learn how to build and sustain positive relationships. To do this, they need to be supported and safe and their voices heard and respected so we hope this appointment will support our work and make a real difference.”

Ms Mitchell is expected to commence her appointment during March.

Relationships Australia Victoria conducts programs that support children and families as well as many other relationship support services.

Affirm your relationship

Admin — Wed, 13 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +1100

Valentine’s Day is one of those days that can provoke a range of emotions. Some people revel in it, some believe it is an unnecessary and commercial exploitation and others are completely ambivalent to it.

Whatever your feelings may be about the day itself, the fact that it brings relationships into focus can be a good excuse to take stock of your own. Relationships need maintenance like any other facet of your life, and with the current divorce rate in Australia hovering around 35 per cent, they can’t be taken for granted.

Thinking of it another way, we go to a mechanic to keep our car running, we exercise to stay healthy, we insure our house and contents, but what do we do to protect our most important asset – our relationships.

Relationships experts agree that acknowledging and celebrating the good things about a partner is important – not just on Valentine’s Day, but on every day of the year.

While there is no magic formula to making relationships last, there are a few approaches that can help. All relationships need maintenance and balance. There’s ‘me’, there’s ‘you’ and there’s ‘us’ and each of those parts needs attention.

Like most things in our lives, when things are going really well you don’t necessarily feel the need to put a lot of effort in to keep it that way, it’s only when things begin to slide that you feel the need to take action, and sometimes this can be too late.

You can see an example of this in the ABC’s new television series Making Couples Happy which debuts on Valentine’s Day.

The show features four couples whose relationships are in serious crisis, and the immense amount of work that is needed to see if their relationships can be repaired.

It reinforces that days like Valentine’s Day can be a good reminder that relationships need to be maintained, nurtured and valued every day.

Research by Relationships Australia and the Australian National University has shown that couples who participate in relationship education courses are more likely to be happier in their relationships, find it easier to communicate their concerns and deal with conflict.

Relationships Australia Victoria conducts relationship programs at centres around Victoria and also has an online course, Good Connecting.

Make a date to talk about money

Relationships Australia Victoria — Fri, 08 Feb 2013 00:00:00 +1100

Do you and your partner discuss finances? Research suggests that if you want your relationship – as well as your bank balance - to prosper, you should talk to your partner about money.

A good way to approach this – according to Australian Securities & Investments Commission (ASIC)’s MoneySmart and Relationships Australia - is to set a date to discuss finances.

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) Manager, Social Inclusion, Sue Yorston says that successful relationships are based on shared perspective.

Whether establishing or affirming a relationship, it is important to find out about each other’s values and expectations in regard to approaching, management and use of finances, Sue believes.

Although money is considered a non-romantic topic, not discussing it can lead to conflict in the future. Whether it be ways of reducing the mortgage to your partner’s retirement dreams, these talks will help to set individual and shared goals for the future.

Making a date to talk about money is helpful as it can set a more relaxed mood in which to approach a topic that can make some of us feel vulnerable.

MoneySmart’s suggested talking points for couples about money:

• Relationship goals

Do you want to get married, study, work overseas, buy a home or have a baby – these are all useful questions to ask to compare your goals.

• Your current financial situation

Take stock of all your earnings, savings, assets (any shares or property you own) and debts (even credit card debts) so you know where you stand.

• Your experience with saving and spending

Everyone has different experiences with money. Discuss how your parents dealt with money and how you approach spending and saving.

• Who will be the designated bill payer?

Who will handle the finances? Will one person look after household expenses and the other the mortgage? Make sure you're both happy with the decision.

• Joint versus separate money

When would you expect your partner to check with you before spending money? Is some money just for one person?

ASIC’s MoneySmart website provides tips and tools to help couples manage their money.

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) Manager, Social Inclusion, Sue Yorston says that successful relationships are based on shared perspective.

Whether establishing or affirming a relationship, it is important to find out about each other’s values and expectations in regard to approaching, management and use of finances, Sue believes.

Making a date to talk about money is helpful as it can set a more relaxed mood in which to approach a topic that can make some of us feel vulnerable.

MoneySmart’s suggested talking points for couples about money:

• Relationship goals

Do you want to get married, study, work overseas, buy a home or have a baby – these are all useful questions to ask to compare your goals.

• Your current financial situation

Take stock of all your earnings, savings, assets (any shares or property you own) and debts (even credit card debts) so you know where you stand.

• Your experience with saving and spending

Everyone has different experiences with money. Discuss how your parents dealt with money and how you approach spending and saving.

• Who will be the designated bill payer?

Who will handle the finances? Will one person look after household expenses and the other the mortgage? Make sure you're both happy with the decision.

• Joint versus separate money

When would you expect your partner to check with you before spending money? Is some money just for one person?

ASIC’s MoneySmart website provides tips and tools to help couples manage their money.

First day at school

Admin — Thu, 24 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +1100

In only a few days, this year’s intake of prep children embark on years of formal education.

For most it is an exciting time, full of new experiences, new friends and lots of different activities. For some, it can be quite unsettling and confusing.

Fortunately, these days many parents have the opportunity to take their prep to their new school the previous year, when they get to see the classroom and meet their teacher.

This not only helps to demystify the process for the children, but also provides comfort to their parents.

Nevertheless, how quickly children settle into that first year is a broad spectrum.

School from the view of a prep child is a very different place from home, kindergarten and child care. There are many more people around school than kinder, and it’s a lot more formal in terms of routine.

Speaking of routine, it’s important to establish early the routines you want to have at home, both before and after school.

If your child finds it difficult to get up in the morning, you might want to minimise or even ban television on school days.

At the other end of the day, a consistent routine involving play, reading, bath time and bed time will help your prep child survive the school week.

Don’t rush into organising structured after-school activities like ballet and cricket – give your child a chance to enjoy some unstructured play time after school and just chill out.

It can be difficult to distinguish between the ups and downs of the normal settling-in process and real difficulties with school readiness.

The prep teacher is a valuable resource, so he or she is likely to know if there is a problem with your child. In that context, develop a relationship with the teacher that enables you to discuss openly any issues that may arise.

For example, if your child is very teary before going to school in the morning, you may need to check about how it’s working out in the classroom.

Some children who start prep are not as ready as we think and may need another year in kinder, so don’t be afraid to raise this with the teacher.

Sometimes it’s the parents who need help to manage the transition. If your child is happy to kiss you goodbye in the playground and then run off to class, you don’t need to follow.

Managing after a bushfire

Admin — Wed, 23 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +1100

Following bushfires, individuals, families and communities suffer enormous loss on many levels.

The sense of loss can be overwhelming. This includes the physical impact of the fires, as well as grief over lost items such as treasured mementos, photos, and the loss of stock animals and family pets.

It takes time and energy to clean up, process insurance claims and replace property. People busy themselves doing what they can to recover from the disaster.

However, once life starts to resemble ‘normal’, after the clean-up is over and we slow down, grief and loss can catch up with us.

It is critical that we support ourselves and one another through these impact times.

Children in particular, can be overwhelmed by such disasters and most often will let us know they are not coping through a change in their behaviour.

Tips for managing after the crisis:

Don’t be afraid to talk about how you are feeling.
Remember to eat regularly, be mindful of sleeping patterns, and monitor alcohol consumption.
Set yourself a reasonable ‘to do’ list each day. Don’t allow the clean up to consume you 24/7, take time for a conversation with a friend, or a walk or drive to change the scenery.
Accept help that is offered, don’t go it alone.
Stay connected with family, friends, community supports.
Be alert for changes in children’s behaviour.
The physical work of recovery assists with the sense of moving forward, however be careful not to overdo it.
Reflect positively on your achievements in pulling everything back together.
Reflect on those family, friends or neighbours that helped out, also on what you have done for others.
Seek support, through the range of options available, including your GP, local support services, families and friends.

Celebrate your anniversary

Danielle Ollington — Tue, 08 Jan 2013 00:00:00 +1100

Is celebrating a wedding anniversary a thing of the past, a ritual that should be relegated to the irrelevant sentimentality basket?

Or does the anniversary provide an opportunity for couples to celebrate the strength of their relationship, and remind each other of why they got together in the first place?

If you are still happily married but ambivalent about such a celebration, the following reasons for marking the milestone may help to change your mind.

An anniversary celebration can put you back in touch with the early days of your relationship – romance, shared dreams, the reasons you were attracted to each other – as well as the memories you have shared together since.

It also provides a time to reminisce about the joys such as the birth of children and memorable holidays, funny moments and stories.

Celebrating your anniversary can become an important ritual that gives you a sense of belonging and contribute to your sense of identity as a couple.

Celebrations punctuate every day life, help to give us meaning and create memories. They also help us to appreciate how good it is to have someone with whom to celebrate a special occasion.

Celebrating anniversaries is equally important for couples in de facto or same sex relationships. The date to be celebrated needs to be agreed and meaningful to both parties. It could be the date you met or one that represents the beginning of an intimate relationship.

There is no need to spend a lot of money on your anniversary. The most important thing is to spend time together, doing something you both enjoy.

It might be a bike ride, a picnic in the park, or dinner at your favourite restaurant. If you have babies or small children, you might prepare a nice dinner at home, with one person doing the main course and the other the dessert.

Many couples celebrate significant anniversaries (eg 10 years) by having a night or two in the city or a romantic rural retreat.

As far as gifts are concerned, sometimes it’s the simple things that mean the most, such as beautiful heartfelt words in a card or flowers from the garden. Whatever the gesture, it is about the meaning to you as a couple, based on your intimate understanding of each other.

Mums should unite, instead of ignite

Danielle Ollington — Wed, 19 Dec 2012 00:00:00 +1100

Motherhood – it’s often described as the most challenging role we will ever undertake. Raising a child involves dedication, patience, negotiation and communication skills, the ability to successfully impart our own values to our child, along with considerable energy. However, rather than supporting each other, some mums become competitive in their efforts to allay anxiety around whether they are a good mother.

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) Counsellor, Danielle Ollington says there is a great deal of pressure to feel like and be seen as a great mum. Some of this pressure is internal, including expectations you might have of yourself, your hopes and dreams about being a mother or wanting to correct some of the experiences you had as a child.

However, pressure can also arise from external sources. People around us make judgements about our mothering – for example, breast feeding for too long or not breast feeding for long enough, whether our child uses a dummy or how we discipline our child. As mothers, we can feel to blame for any perceived ways that our child does not ‘make the grade’ in someone else’s eyes.

Ms Ollington says that it is often self-esteem that drives our behaviour with other mums.

We have a tendency to look to others for validation and approval and adopt our child’s achievements as our own. So when we proudly announce that ‘Johnny is excelling at maths’ we might in fact be saying: ‘I’m OK, I’m doing a good job and my child is fine’. Sharing such information helps boost our own self-esteem, but can impact on others’.

Also, as mothers we love our children very much and see them as very special, clever, talented and beautiful. Evidence of other children surpassing ours can challenge our view of our own child if we let it.

Tips to prevent anxiety and low self-esteem about mothering

The following coping strategies can help mums who find themselves anxious or their self-esteem impacted in these situations:

• When another mum proudly and frequently announces how talented or advanced her child is, look underneath the statement at the meaning. Does it increase her self-esteem to share this, or does it signify relief, hinting at anxiety? Instead of feeling that our child is somehow less developmentally advanced, try to have empathy for the mother rather than turning away or letting it impact your view of yourself.

• It’s important to be able to self soothe – reassure yourself that you are doing a great job as a parent. For example, silently reassure yourself that you don’t see high school students using dummies and that your child will give it up in due course.

• Celebrate who your child is, not what they do or don’t do yet.

• Ensure that you have other ways to increase your self-esteem, for example paid work, exercise, creative craft, a new course or language

• Share your worries and anxieties with someone you trust

• Put energy into connections with your partner, families and friends - it’s an antidote to feeling isolated and down.

• Remember that from the outside, someone else’s life, relationship and child can look perfect, but on the inside, there are usually struggles or grief of some nature.

How to have a more positive attitude towards relationships with other mums

• If you are the person who proudly and regularly shares your child’s achievements and assets, stop to look at the impact it has on other people. Does it promote sharing and intimacy or does it have the opposite effect? Perhaps you need to be more mindful about with whom you share the achievements.

• We can all wear a social face so on the surface everything looks perfect and under control, but if we are brave and share our struggles we feel more united as women and mothers

• If you do feel jealous of someone else or what they have, think about how this can spur you on to make positive changes in your own life

• Try to appreciate difference in relation to children

• Be instrumental in creating an environment where success and pride can be celebrated, but also where anxieties can be shared.

Ms Ollington says that it is often self-esteem that drives our behaviour with other mums.

Tips to prevent anxiety and low self-esteem about mothering:

The following coping strategies can help mums who find themselves anxious or their self-esteem impacted in these situations:

When another mum proudly and frequently announces how talented or advanced her child is, look underneath the statement at the meaning. Does it increase her self-esteem to share this, or does it signify relief, hinting at anxiety? Instead of feeling that our child is somehow less developmentally advanced, try to have empathy for the mother rather than turning away or letting it impact your view of yourself.

It’s important to be able to self soothe – reassure yourself that you are doing a great job as a parent. For example, silently reassure yourself that you don’t see high school students using dummies and that your child will give it up in due course.

Celebrate who your child is, not what they do or don’t do yet.

Ensure that you have other ways to increase your self-esteem, for example paid work, exercise, creative craft, a new course or language

Share your worries and anxieties with someone you trust

Put energy into connections with your partner, families and friends - it’s an antidote to feeling isolated and down.

Remember that from the outside, someone else’s life, relationship and child can look perfect, but on the inside, there are usually struggles or grief of some nature.

Developing a more positive attitude with other mums

If you are the person who proudly and regularly shares your child’s achievements and assets, stop to look at the impact it has on other people. Does it promote sharing and intimacy or does it have the opposite effect? Perhaps you need to be more mindful about with whom you share the achievements.

We can all wear a social face so on the surface everything looks perfect and under control, but if we are brave and share our struggles we feel more united as women and mothers

If you do feel jealous of someone else or what they have, think about how this can spur you on to make positive changes in your own life

Try to appreciate difference in relation to children

Be instrumental in creating an environment where success and pride can be celebrated, but also where anxieties can be shared.

Surviving Christmas

Dr Ingrid Sturmey — Fri, 23 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +1100

Are you worried about tension between family members on Christmas Day? RAV’s Practice Leader, Counselling, Dr Ingrid Sturmey says planning the day well and having a good attitude is paramount.

Before the big day

If you’re hosting Christmas Day, structure it so that there is less alcohol and some distance between those people who don’t get along. If possible, try to involve everyone. Keep the day moving; even plan a trip to the park or beach if it will keep things on track. This way, everyone contributes, brings a plate, and cleans up, keeping the day really casual.
It’s common these days for kids to have Christmas Eve dinner with their father’s family, and Christmas Day lunch with their mother’s – or vice versa. Don’t be afraid to set up ‘new’ Christmas traditions in your family. Without having to get into a close relationship with your ex, you can invite them around on Christmas Day as a way of saying: ‘You’re part of our social network, and you’re important to the children. It’s courteous inclusiveness and can be very healing.
If you are alone, plan in advance to do something you enjoy or get together with a friend who is also alone or take part in a community activity.

On Christmas Day

Lower your expectations of the day and focus on the joy of Christmas, not the demands and pressure.
Reflect on past events by looking at some old photos or items of special significance and remember family members who are no longer with you.
Take group photos which will show over time the expansion of the family and provide an opportunity for Christmas rituals.
Play some games – encourage the children and adults to play backyard cricket, table tennis, badminton or a trivia quiz. Sharing activities will release tension and provide a sense of fun.
And finally, don’t try to resolve year-long hurts or disagreements on Christmas Day – use the next 364 days to sort out relationship issues.

RAV provides counselling and relationship education programs, and has centres across the State. For more information call 1300 364 277.

A relationship counsellor's perspective on pre-nuptial agreements

Sue Yorston — Fri, 19 Oct 2012 00:00:00 +1100

Today people are staying single longer and acquiring more assets - or bringing assets from past relationships - when they start a new relationship. Successful relationships are based on shared perspective. Whether you are establishing or affirming a relationship, it is important to find out about your partner’s values and compare your expectations and outlook on practical issues such as career, finances and where to live.

Although these may all be considered non-romantic topics, not discussing them can lead to relationship conflict in the future. From these discussions a couple will set individual and shared goals for the future.

If you are considering a pre-nuptial agreement:

• Don’t wait until the last minute to raise the subject. It should be as much a part of discussions as where you will live; and if or when you will have children.

• Don’t feel threatened - we all plan for life events with processes such as wills and insurance.

• You may feel your partner is telling you they don’t trust your commitment. The reality is deciding how to manage the future can help to strengthen a relationship.

• Remember that relationships are about disagreements, as much as about agreements. Learning to manage the disagreements is what makes for success.

• Keep in mind that marriage is a contract. You wouldn’t enter into any other contract without reading and agreeing on the fine print. Treat pre-nuptial agreements in the same manner.

• Consider counselling or a relationship preparation course which can help provide a personalised approach where you can plan your future together.

Are you suffering from lack of libido?

admin — Tue, 14 Aug 2012 00:00:00 +1000

For many couples, it can be hard work sustaining a healthy and satisfying sexual relationship. Some couples find they become very child focused as they work hard to meet their childrens’ needs. For others, there may be issues such as old hurts and resentments, ongoing conflict, or perceived or actual infidelity which adversely affect libido. There may also be periods in life where libido drops as a result of life events or emotional health.

According to Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) Counsellor, Danielle Ollington, a common pattern that occurs in intimate relationships is the ‘Pursuer/Distancer cycle’, where one partner (often the male) pursues the other partner in an attempt to connect sexually. In this cycle, the pursuer can become more determined in their behaviour as their sexual attempts fail. Sadly, this often has the opposite impact: the female becomes turned off by attempts from her partner to initiate sex, affection can become linked to sexual proposition, and the female partner can lose touch with her own sexual desire and sexual needs. In turn, the pursuer may feel rejected, unattractive and hurt.

According to Ms Ollington, the way to interrupt this cycle is for the pursuer to stop pursuing, and leave space for the distancer to come forward. The distancer may then become in touch with their own desire for sex.

However, there are many other common causes of lack of interest in sex.

Common causes of loss of libido

Conflict – many couples come to counselling after years of conflict that has buried kinder, softer feelings of love and sexual desire. Unfortunately, most couples don’t know how to manage conflict well and how to repair the relationship. Looking at the cycle that occurs around the conflict can be helpful - including who says what, the consequences, and the feelings underneath. This can help interrupt the cycle and assist couples to manage it in a way that feels better for both of them.
Style of relating – for example, the woman may have begun to act in a motherly fashion towards her partner. She may make comments like: ‘I have three kids’ (meaning her two children and husband). If a woman feels like she has to parent her partner or manage family responsibilities on her own, this can have a negative impact on libido. If you do not feel respected and equal in your relationship this can have an impact on libido as well.
Old hurts and resentments - this can have an impact on libido when the hurt hasn’t been spoken about or acknowledged, there may have been no apology, and so it remains unresolved.
Disclosures of a partner’s affair - the injury exists on many levels: trust is fractured, you discover that your partner isn’t who you thought they were and your self esteem suffers. Women can experience intrusive images of their partner with someone else. In the long-term, with commitment and sometimes counselling, relationships can survive affairs and become stronger and more intimate in many ways.
Past issues - women can carry negative messages from past relationships about their attractiveness or sexual performance. These thoughts can intrude at any time of the day, and often during sexual moments. The experience we had growing up in a family can also have a profound impact on who we become as a sexual person, including what you learned about sexuality and love and messages you received about sexual desire and what to do with it.
Self esteem and body image - self esteem and body image can contribute to not feeling desirable. It’s important to remember that sexual desirability is about perception: if you feel sexy in your head, then you are.
Life events and emotional health – the period post-childbirth is a common time for female libido to fall, often due to a combination of physical symptoms, recovery from childbirth, and exhaustion. During periods of stress, grief, loss or depression, libido can drop. Other factors may include menopause, drug and alcohol issues (including prescription medication) and medical issues such as diabetes and thyroid problems.

Practical tips to improve your sexual relationship

Create space for all forms of intimacy in your relationship. Most people are familiar with emotional and sexual intimacy, but might think less about other forms of intimacy; including intellectual intimacy, financial intimacy, recreational intimacy, and spiritual intimacy.
Foreplay begins much earlier than in the bedroom – it can begin with a cup of tea in the morning and can start with how you talk to each other at the beginning of the day.
It’s important to be able to talk about sex together: before sex, during sex, and after sex. Let your partner know when they get it right, what you would like more of, what you enjoyed doing to them.
Good sex takes energy, thought, and action, especially in long-term relationships. Sometimes you have to leave your inhibitions at the door, and try something different. Take it out of the bedroom into a different location, venture out of the darkness, wear something different, perhaps take charge when you normally wouldn’t.
It is important that couples maintain some time and activities away from their children in order for the relationship to prosper. Couples need to create an erotic space and work together to maintain it. Have regular date nights (and don’t just talk about the children).
Find a way to manage difference in your relationship: different desires, differences in parenting, and how much time you want to be together and apart are common differences that couples need to be able to negotiate.
Think back to a time where you and your partner had wonderful sex, and your libido was high. What were the circumstances? How were you feeling about each other? How were you feeling about yourself?
When there is goodwill in a relationship, you can try techniques like writing down 10 things you would each like from your partner and placing them in a jar, then choosing one each week to give to each other. Examples might include a massage, turning the television off and chatting, or sex in a different location.
Watch movies together that you find romantic, sensual or enticing. Read passages from books to your partner that you find sensual.
Remember what it is that you like about sex. Why do you have it? What needs does it meet? What is the impact on your relationship?
Go to counselling if there are patterns occurring in your relationship that you don’t like and you can’t shift. There is often incredible relief when a negative cycle is interrupted and room is made for a way of relating that feels better.
Always be interested in and curious about your partner. Be in touch with their inner world, including their fears and dreams and their outer world. It is particularly important for women who are primarily at home to feel that their partner is interested in the trials and tribulations of their day, and how it felt for them.
Read Dr Rosie Kings book ‘Good Loving Great Sex.’ It normalises different levels of interest in sex, and encourages understanding from both men and women’s perspectives as well as solutions.

Gamblers: look for local help

Sue Yorston — Mon, 23 Jul 2012 00:00:00 +1000

The recent gambling related-suicide in Ballarat and fraud case in Adelaide are stark reminders of the devastating impact of problem gambling on individuals, their families and friends.

I urge people whose lives are falling apart because of gambling to seek help from counselling and other services in their local community.

Tragedy can be avoided if people seek appropriate help from services close to them.

We know how difficult it can be to take that step. The experience of our counsellors is that problem gamblers are generally ashamed of their behaviour and keep it hidden. They need help but can’t do it on their own.

The availability of gambling 24 x 7 on mobile devices such as smartphones or via the internet also enables people to keep their gambling secret.

Recognising a gambling problem in a partner or family member is not that easy. Sometimes it takes time to realise there is a problem because it’s natural to want to believe what you are being told.

The first sign of trouble might be a change in communication patterns. People with gambling problems are often so busy hiding this part of their life that they have to pull away from those close to them to continue the deception.

For a partner, it’s not unlike an affair – the issues around breach of trust are much the same. However, once they realise there is a gambling problem in the household, they are usually supportive and will work through the issues.

Gambling has no respect for social standing, age or gender. Problem gamblers are represented in all age groups, from teenagers to grandparents, male and female.

A worrying trend is the number of young people who view gambling as entertainment or fun. Unfortunately for some, the fun can become a need.

Gamblers Help services are available throughout Victoria. Call the toll free Gamblers’ Helpline - 1800 858 858 – for crisis counselling, information and referral about their own or someone else’s gambling behaviour.

RAV’s Ballarat Centre also offers counselling support and access to financial support and can be contacted on 5337 9222.

* Sue Yorston is the Manager of RAV’s Ballarat Centre, which coordinates Gamblers Help services for the Grampians Region.

Centre closures for holiday season

Relationships Australia Victoria — Mon, 18 Dec 2017 00:00:00 +1100

Please note that all of our centres will be closed for the holiday season from 23 December 2017.

Our centres will reopen on 2 January 2018.

If you need assistance during this period, support is available.

Lifeline provides 24/7 crisis support. Call 13 11 14 or visit their website.
1800RESPECT provides 24/7 support for people affected by sexual assault and family violence. Call 1800 737 732 or visit their website.
MensLine provides 24/7 support for men with family and relationship concerns. Call 1300 78 99 78 or visit their website.
beyondblue provides 24/7 support for people affected by anxiety or depression. Call 1300 22 4636 or visit their website.

What Works in Therapy: One-Day Workshop

Relationships Australia Victoria — Tue, 22 Aug 2017 00:00:00 +1000

Scott D. Miller, an experienced psychologist, author and international trainer from the United States, is coming to Melbourne in December to present a one-day workshop.

Drawing from a comprehensive review of 40 years’ research, Scott D Miller will identify the core factors responsible for therapeutic success, regardless of theoretical orientation or psychiatric diagnosis. The workshop will include practical, common sense and empirically-supported therapeutic skills that can be used to efficiently and effectively resolve clients’ problems.

You'll learn:

Evidence-based factors responsible for therapeutic success.
Empirically-supported practices and skills to enhance therapeutic outcomes.
A reliable method for assessing and enhancing therapeutic relationships with clients and progressing in treatment.

When: Friday 1 December 2017, 9:30am - 4:30pm
Where: William Angliss Institute Conference Centre, 555 La Trobe Street, Melbourne

Register before 18 September to receive an early bird discount - save up to $100!
Places are limited, so register early to avoid disappointment!

To register, or for more information, click here. For student pricing, click here.

Latest Training e-newsletter

Relationships Australia Victoria — Thu, 10 Aug 2017 00:00:00 +1000

The latest edition of our Training e-newsletter is now available.

This publication provides subscribers with the latest professional development, training opportunities and news from the RAV Training Team. In this edition, we highlight our upcoming workshop What Works in Therapy, presented by U.S. counselling psychologist, author, and co-founder of the International Center for Clinical Excellence, Scott D. Miller.

You can subscribe on the training page of our website or the signup screen of our Facebook page.

You can read the e-newsletter by clicking here.

Services for multicultural communities in the South East

Relationships Australia Victoria — Wed, 12 Apr 2017 00:00:00 +1000

Come say hi to us at the Pathways to Better Living: Know your Local Services community information expo.

Organised by the South East Culturally and Linguistically Diverse Network alongisde Chisholm Institute, community members are invited to find out more about the local services that can help you.

When: 9:30am - 12:30pm, Thursday 20 April 2017
Where: Chisholm Institute, Building W (enter via Cleeland St), Dandenong 3175

Sister's Day Out in South Morang

Relationships Australia Victoria — Wed, 12 Apr 2017 00:00:00 +1000

We're excited to be supporting another Sister's Day Out event in South Morang!

Sister's Day Out is a one-day workshop engaging with Koori women to prevent family violence by facilitating community networks to reduce social isolation, raise awareness of family violence and its underlying causes and impacts, and by providing information adn tools to promote community safety.

When: 9:30am - 3pm, Tuesday 18 April 2017
Where: Plenty Ranges Arts and Convention Centre

Find out more here.

Neighbour Day - 30 March

admin — Mon, 24 Mar 2014 00:00:00 +1100

Relationships Australia Victoria, with Relationships Australia organisations across the country, is proud to be the new home of Neighbour Day, Australia’s annual celebration of community. Held on the last Sunday in March every year, it’s the perfect day to say thanks for being a great neighbour and for being there when I needed you most. Neighbour Day is about bringing together people next door, across the street or on the next farm for a drink, a barbie or just a cuppa.

Neighbour Day was founded in Melbourne, Australia in March 2003 by Andrew Heslop after the remains of an elderly woman were found inside her suburban home.
Mrs Elsie Brown had been dead for two years – forgotten by her neighbours, her friends and her family. It was not until a neighbour eventually realised she had not seen Mrs Brown for an extended period of time that Victoria Police were notified. Sadly when officers broke into her home they found Mrs Brown’s remains still wrapped in a blanket on her sofa.

This Sunday 30 March will be the eleventh Neighbour Day celebration, and the day is set to be the most celebrated Neighbour Day so far, with over 300 registered events across the country.

Relationships Australia’s National Executive Office, Alison Brook said the best part about Neighbour Day is in its simplicity, "It’s entirely up to you and your neighbours how you get involved. It could be as simple as boiling the kettle and having a cup of tea together.

"Neighbour Day isn’t about elaborate functions. It’s about creating opportunities to connect, chat and build trusting relationships among people who live closest to you," Alison said.

This year Neighbour Day has been honoured to have Senior Australian of the Year, the Hon Fred Chaney AO and Gardening Australia’s Costa Georgiadis come on board as National Ambassadors for Neighbour Day. Read their messages of support on the neighbourday.org website.

There is still time to register your Neighbour Day event, and we invite you to tell us about your fantastic neighbour to win up to $500 for the best story on the neighbourday.org website.

Victorians can also send in a photo showing what you love about your neighbour or neighbourhood to win a $100 cinema gift card. Visit our Facebook page for more details.

Don’t forget, the community you want starts at your front door, so make this Neighbour Day a memorable one.

Valentine's Day

Sue Yorston — Wed, 12 Feb 2014 00:00:00 +1100

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day?

While it has become a fixture in the romantic calendar of many Australians, not everyone feels the same way about it.

For some, it is a significant way of recognising and appreciating their relationship. For others, it is merely an American ‘Hallmark card’ holiday that Australians have adopted. And then there are those who sit somewhere in between.

While couples can feel pressured to make grand romantic gestures on the day, people should not judge their partners only by their actions on one day of the year.

In the end, the worth of your relationship is judged by far more than whether your partner gets the Valentine’s Day thing right.

Don’t take your partner for granted. You don’t have to wait for Valentine’s Day, a birthday or another significant event to show you care. Do it every day.

Valentine’s Day may bring an increased sense of loneliness or sadness for singles, particularly for those who may be looking for a partner. Use the day as an opportunity to celebrate all the relationships in your life.

Valentine’s Day is an annual reminder to maintain, nurture and value all the relationships in your life, every day. Whether you are single, or in a relationship, the following tips may help to make 14 February a happy day.

As a couple:

Expectations:

Talk to your partner about their expectations, and find out what they would like to do. Don’t assume you know how your partner feels about the day, and make sure you communicate how you feel about Valentine’s Day ahead of time.

365 days a year:

While Valentine’s Day may be important to you and your partner, what happens on the day does not necessarily represent your relationship. A relationship is about every day of the year.

Keep it simple:

Hollywood movies would have us think that grand romantic gestures are required on Valentine’s Day, but what you do for your partner doesn’t have to be costly or extravagant. Simple gestures that show you have thought about the other person can be just right.

Good connecting every day:

Many couples consider getting help when things go wrong, however you can help to strengthen you relationship at any time. Relationships Australia Victoria offers a range of courses to help improve communication, learn new skills, manage conflict and strengthen relationships.

As a single:

Do something with others:

If you feel like spending time with other people, do something with family or friends.

Do something for yourself:

Think about a way to treat yourself or indulge in something special. It may be a favourite meal, movie, or activity.

Do something for someone else:

Remember that other people may be feeling the same way as you on this day. Research shows that helping others makes us feel better.

Celebrate the love in your life:

If on Valentine’s Day you feel ‘unloved’, remember all the people who care for you in your life; your friends, family, colleagues and even your pet dog or cat.

For more information about any of Relationships Australia Victoria’s services, call 1300 364 277.

Making Mother's Day special

Admin — Fri, 10 May 2013 00:00:00 +1000

Here are some tips to make the day memorable:

Instead of joining the crowds at the shops, consider a little handmade gift – whether that be a card, a posy of flowers from your garden, a humorous badge or her favourite breakfast, gifts made with time and love can be the most uplifting.
Find out what your mother would value most on her special day and strive to make it happen. Don't assume that this will involve spending the entire day with the family - an ever-elusive sleep-in, time alone to read a book or magazine, or a massage appointment can be a luxury for busy mothers with very little time to themselves.
Be creative - just because you have always celebrated mother's day with a lunch doesn't mean you are bound by it. For those whose mothers are no longer present, consider joining a group activity such as 'Trees for Mum', a series of tree planting events in Australia on Mother's Day each year.
Abandon electronic gadgets and mobile phones and focus on spending time building closeness as a family. Our stressful lives and reliance on technology can inhibit emotional closeness.
For those who have a difficult relationship with their mother, use Mother's Day to reflect on something special your mother did that was meaningful for you - whether recently or in your childhood.
Mother's Day may also be a time to think about and acknowledge another significant female in your life who has had a positive impact on you. Use the day to honour women who have nurtured you in life, even if they are not your biological mother. Send them a card and tell them how special they are to you.

Are you having trouble finding time for you?

Danielle Ollington — Fri, 09 Nov 2012 00:00:00 +1100

Are you in a relationship but craving a little time on your own? Don’t panic – spending time alone can help to keep your relationship strong and healthy. In today’s busy world, many of us have a range of competing demands on our time. Juggling work, children, extended family, a social life and hobbies can not only drain our energy, it can rob us of the opportunity for solitude.

Danielle Ollington, Counsellor at Relationships Australia Victoria, says there are many benefits to spending time alone and that it can actually help to increase our capacity for intimacy with a partner.

Benefits of time alone

We all need time for self-reflection – to think about our current life, dreams for the future, feelings about people or circumstances in our life. Furthermore, quiet time can help with self-care – giving us the opportunity to read, educate ourselves, listen to music or just sit with silence. Part of this self-reflection is using time to self soothe when we are sad, angry or fearful. If we can manage our own emotional states without relying on someone else to do it with us or for us, we have a strong sense of self. Self-soothing activities include a leisurely bath or shower, going for a walk, watching television, having a cup of tea, or reflecting on an argument you had, your part in it and how to repair it.

Ironically, time alone can also increase our capacity to be intimate with our partner because the better we know our self, and the stronger our sense of self is, the more able we are to connect in a positive way. Couples who don’t have clear boundaries and a clear sense of self can find it difficult to express difference, and feel a need to spend a great deal of time together.

Spending time alone can also help inject energy into a relationship. When you come together again, you bring news and information from your time apart and the outside world. It might be sharing what you saw on your walk, or the thoughts you had while alone, or bringing news from friends and family.

When we do have time alone, it’s important to consider how we use it. Television and other distractions often become a habit, when sometimes checking in with ourselves to increase self-awareness and enhance our capacity to connect with others could be more productive.

The need for balance

Managing time together and time apart is an element that all couples have to negotiate. It is about managing difference because usually one person would like to spend more time together and the other wants to spend more time alone, or with others.

If you always want to spend time alone or on individual pursuits, it can have a negative impact on your relationship. Your partner may be managing feelings of rejection and isolation, or feeling as though they don’t have a partner. Being in a healthy relationship is about managing two sets of needs in a way that feels good enough for both most of the time.

One way of managing this tension is to make plans to be together after you’ve had some time alone – suggesting that you spend an hour by yourself but then go out for dinner together, for example.

It’s also important to normalise the experience – that in every relationship there is usually one person who has a desire to spend more time alone, and the other has a desire to spend more time together.

Housemate or partner?

Danielle Ollington — Mon, 25 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +1000

Have you been married or living with a partner for a few years, yet sleep separately, perhaps even in different rooms? Is your relationship lacking affection and sex?

If you answered yes to these questions, your relationship may be heading for 'housemate' territory, if it isn't already there.

Other signs can include living separate lives, where perhaps one person is focused on individual pursuits, and the other on caring for the children, with little or no time spent together as a couple.

Women can report feeling like a housekeeper, responsible for cooking, cleaning and washing, but not feeling loved, desired, or appreciated.

You and your partner may still feel close and have fun, or enjoy your children, have great family holidays, but there will be something missing in terms of an emotional connection.

There may be a lack of conflict or fighting, which is not necessarily a good thing. Issues can go underground and impact on a couple's capacity for intimacy.

Things may feel quite flat, with neither partner initiating new activities, nor bringing positive energy into the relationship.

Moving into housemate territory can result from a range of factors, such as a period of upheaval or trauma, for example moving interstate or experiencing a death in the family.

The dynamics can also change when a couple starts a family, as individual roles become more distinct, particularly when one partner is at home and the other at work. It's easy to lose touch with each other's worlds when life is busy.

At times, the role of parenting is at odds with being a romantic and sexual person: changing nappies and cleaning toilets are not activities that put you in touch with feelings of romance and sexuality.

Sometimes resentments and hurts can be sitting under the surface so either partner or both may emotionally take aspects of themselves out of the relationship.

Couples can develop ways of interacting with each other that counteract romantic and sexual feelings, for example, when a man feels that his partner is in a mothering role to him, this is at odds with desire and sexuality.

Women can also report feeling like their husband or partner is their child - again this can interfere with feelings of desire and romance.

Sometimes a pattern can begin and both couples adapt without having chosen this path of being more like housemates.

As well as being an issue for couples who are busy rearing children, the 'housemate' scenario comes up for older couples who may be facing other difficulties as well, like surgery or illness that potentially impacts on sexuality, and transitions like menopause.

There are also partners who act primarily as carers for their mate, often at the expense of many of their own needs.

Being 'housemates' does not necessarily mean the end. The future of the relationship depends on the needs of the two individuals and whether they are being met. If there is shared understanding and agreement that the relationship is about the need for companionship, then there is no issue.

It can also be a way of coping with a particularly busy, sad or stressful time in life - you may be working well as a team and enjoying each other's company, but put other needs aside.

However, if one or both partners are unhappy with the arrangement, then the situation needs to be discussed and action taken if the couple are to remain happily in the relationship long term.

Ultimately though, an intimate relationship will contain elements above and beyond the status of a housemate.

The good news is there are ways to get the relationship back on a more intimate footing.

Women often report that when their partner shares the workload at home - think housework and caring for children - they are less exhausted and can free up some mind space to consider connecting as a couple in a more romantic or sexual way.

Find ways to see yourself and/or your partner as a sexual being again: buy new clothes, go on dates, remember what attracted you to each other when you first met, compliment your partner, reach out and touch them, tell your partner that you love them and why, listen to your partner. Everyone needs to feel important, valued, and interesting.

Find some ways to inject some energy into your relationship: do different things at the weekend, spend a night in the city, go on holidays, cultivate new social relationships.

Acknowledge the situation and talk about it. Find a way to express your needs in a way that is non blaming and enhances your relationship. For example, instead of saying 'You don't care about my needs...." Say something like 'I love you and would like us to be closer in lots of ways like.......'

Develop shared interests: art appreciation, watching movies, dining out, walking the dog, have coffee in a different area than usual, enjoy your grandchildren, go shopping together, exercise together, etc.

Have shared dreams, have a shared vision of what your relationship might look like in five or 10 years.

Remember what you used to do that made you both feel close and connected. Create rituals that join you as a couple and highlight a sense of belonging, for example, sharing a wine before dinner as you discuss your day, reading different sections of the paper together, celebrating your anniversary, holidaying at the same place, etc.

Going to counselling might also be useful.

And remember: relationships are like cars - they require petrol, care, and maintenance to keep going.

* Danielle Ollington is a counsellor at Relationships Australia Victoria.

Constructive look at men's relationships

admin — Tue, 05 Jun 2012 00:00:00 +1000

Next week is Men's Health Week, an excellent opportunity to focus on men's health issues in a positive way. What better time for men to have a look at their relationships - with their partner, children, family, friends - and see whether there are any cracks.

When it comes to relationship issues, our experience is that men are often baffled by some of the commonly-used counselling language and self-help terminology and may not seek help until it is too late.

Our booklet titled Renovate your relationship: a manual for men, produced with MenslIne Australia, helps men to think about the practical side of relationship maintenance and how to do it.

Renovate your relationship takes a positive and constructive view of what is required to identify problems and work to resolve them.

There's a lot of scope for planning, renovation, salvage around wear and tear, repair and rebuilding to stop cracks in a relationship getting too big and bringing the whole edifice tumbling down.

Maintenance and toolboxes don't feature much in the language of self-help books, but in many men's lives they are real currency. And in the relationship setting, they can provide useful images and ideas about what's involved in building and sustaining a solid relationship.

The booklet is a DIY manual for a renovation project - in this case a relationship renovation. There are 13 project tools in the DIY toolbox:

Working together?
Avoiding misunderstandings
Sharpen up your listening
Resolving conflict
When the roof blows off! Anger and frustration
Who has the power? Abuse and violence
Self-maintenance
Renovate your sex life
Love
Valuing differences
Appreciation
When trust breaks down
Children - planning for the extension.

Each tool comes with key points and checklists of things to consider and do, expressed in plain and practical language.

The booklet also includes reactions and thoughts from men about their relationships, and other sources of helpful information.

A call to action in the form of a renovation manual has a lot to offer men who are aware of the strains and gaps in their intimate relationships, but are unable to find good ways to help repair them.

Click here for the relationship renovation manual.

To get the full lowdown on Men's Health week activities across Australia, go to the website.

Child grooming - a nightmare for parents

Sue Yorston — Mon, 28 May 2012 00:00:00 +1000

Recent news reports of young children who have been groomed online by sexual predators have deeply concerned many parents.

Child grooming refers to a set of strategies an older person uses to develop a relationship with a child, usually of a sexual nature. And it doesn't just occur online, it can happen anywhere - such as sports, religious and music activities - so it is important that parents are informed.

Sexual predators tend to use a variety of strategies to build up a relationship with a child and gain their confidence. And despite what many people think, most sexual abuse of children is carried out by someone well known to the child.

While this is concerning, parents shouldn't simply react to the fear by 'cocooning' their children. Understanding the approach taken by sexual predators and talking to your children early can help to inform your own, and your child's behaviour.

How it can start

Sexual predators will take their time in building a relationship with the child (sometimes this can be up to 20 years). Their approach is pre-meditated.
The perpetrator will generally try to gain the family's trust - for example by becoming a family friend, babysitting, joining activities in which the child is engaged or forming a relationship with the child's parents - to cultivate family confidence.
Their aim is to reach a position where they can spend time alone with the child.
The strategies and the 'chase' are all part of the challenge to a sexual predator.

Gaining trust

Sexual predators generally tend to target friendly, trusting children, or those who are isolated, withdrawn or vulnerable, and aim to become their 'special friend'.
They often gain the child's trust by allowing them to do something their parents will not. By giving the child special privileges or treats, they create a shared secret.
They will often begin with non-sexual touching to break down inhibitions and give the child special attention. Their aim is to isolate the child and condition them not to tell others about the relationship.
They will often make a child believe that he or she is somehow responsible for the abuse happening.

What you can do

Encourage your child to have a trusting approach in life rather than grow up with a fearful or suspecting approach.
Know who your child is with; this is very important.
Talk to your child and teach him or her about touching (not just sexual touching). This helps in educating about appropriate behaviour. Children need to know that their bodies belong to them alone.
Educate your child about the importance of telling you about any physical contact with others.
Trust your gut instinct; if you have a sense that something is not right, don't ignore it.

*Sue Yorston is RAV's Social Inclusion Manager.

Helping diverse communities

Andrew Bickerdike — Sat, 26 May 2012 00:00:00 +1000

The makeup of the population has changed dramatically in recent decades as a result of progressive Australian Government immigration policies which have encouraged the development of a vibrant and cohesive multicultural society.

As the community has become more complex and diverse, so have its needs and the requirement for community service providers to respond.

For our part, Relationships Australia Victoria has evolved from an organisation delivering primarily "marriage guidance" services to a largely 'Anglo' client base, to one that offers a diverse range of relationship support services that aim to help all members of the community regardless of their religion, age, gender, sexual orientation, lifestyle choice, cultural background or economic circumstances.

We strongly support the Australian Government's vision to create a multicultural society in which all Australians feel valued and have the opportunity to participate fully.

We have a comprehensive program to reinforce our commitment to diversity and social inclusion and build our capacity to meet the needs of people from all cultures.

We have produced a report entitled A state of inclusion to highlight some of the initiatives we are undertaking.

Please contact us if you would like additional information about our social inclusion program.

Andrew Bickerdike is the Chief Executive Officer

Responsible Gambling Awareness Week

Sue Yorston — Fri, 25 May 2012 00:00:00 +1000

Responsible Gambling Awareness Week (RGAW) is about urging everyone who "likes a flutter" to take a balanced approach and stay in control.

We encourage everyone not to let gambling take over their lives.

Research shows that gambling is one of the most distinctive aspects of Australian life. It is estimated that today more than 3.8 million Victorians gamble in one form or another, with online gambling growing as a popular choice.

However, whichever form of gambling is enjoyed, the theme of (RGAW) - "Knowledge, Balance and Control" - is important, along with the messages:

set yourself a limit and don't exceed it
take just your allocated amount of money
don't let gambling take over your life.

RGAW is an initiative between Victorian and Local Governments, the gambling industry and community sectors.

Throughout RGAW, a number of events and activities will be held around the State. These will include forums in suburban and regional centres; information sessions at Gambler's Help branches; community lunches and forums; information sessions involving local businesses; youth events; and community events involving the Sudanese, Chinese and Vietnamese communities.

In Ballarat on Thursday 26 May

What are the chances?
The City of Ballarat, in conjunction with the Ballarat Responsible Gambling Committee will host a community forum to raise awareness about gambling behaviour, the risks and how to avoid them. RGAW ambassador, David Schwarz, will share his story about overcoming issues with gambling and the importance to stay in control.

Regent Cinemas
Lydiard Street North, Ballarat
9.30 - 11.30am
If you have a query or wish to attend this event, please contact:
sandrakennedy@ballarat.vic.gov.au

• Sue is Manager of RAV's Ballarat Centre

Please share information about any other events to raise awareness about gambling in your area in the comments box below.

Happy families

Danielle Ollington — Tue, 01 May 2012 00:00:00 +1000

For a lucky few, this is smooth sailing, but for most of us, there is a relationship with at least one person in our family or our partner's family that does not flow easily.

At family gatherings, you can experience a knot in the stomach at the thought of being in the same room (anxiety), or you may revert back to feeling like an adolescent (and acting like one).

Family therapist Murray Bowen spoke about the incredibly strong emotional pull our families have over us. He argued that the challenge for each of us is to be able to own our individual feelings and thoughts on a subject, even when they differ from that of family members, and maintain our relationships with them at the same time.

The ability to be assertive and maintain calm are critical skills that many of us have not been taught.

Tips for maintaining relationships with family:

It is most important to preserve relationships and avoid cut offs, where no contact is made. Cut offs place a huge strain on the couple relationship and can affect families for generations. If you have children, you are teaching them that this is a solution to family conflict. Imagine them choosing not to have contact with you one day in the future.
It is challenging, but the key is to attempt to meet your needs and their needs at the same time. Sometimes we need to set boundaries with family members and sometimes they don't like it. When you have set a boundary, ensure that you continue to invite contact because setting boundaries can be seen as a rejection. For example, a son who now has a family of his own may not be as available to assist his parents on their farm or in their business. His parents may be used to him being readily available at their request and he might need to say something like 'I can't come and help this weekend, but next weekend I can.' This may be risking his parents' disapproval. His task is to manage two sets of relationships where he risks letting them both down and experiencing divided loyalties. It will be easier for him if his partner understands his loyalty to his parents, and if his parents accept that he will be less available due to changes in his circumstances.
Remember that most parents do the best they can with the resources they have. Appreciate what your parents have given you in the form of beliefs, values, and opportunities.
It's useful to keep in mind what you value and admire about your partner's family. If you love your partner, remember that their family was very significant in making him or her into who he or she is today.
Always remember that your partner loves their family. Don't complain about family members - it makes your partner want to defend their family, and puts you in the unenviable position of saying what your partner might need to think about and say for her/himself.
Don't battle with your partner's family. Murray Bowen would say that we need to manage the issues arising from our own family, not our partner's. Discuss it as a couple. If you can't agree, talk with a professional. Family relationships are really important for your relationship, children and future generations.
Can you acknowledge that you may have contributed to the problem in your relationship with a family member and work to change this? Can you give that person another opportunity? Acceptance occurs when two people can acknowledge that they may both have contributed to the issues at hand. Develop empathy for the other person.
If you are considering bringing up an issue with a family member or writing a letter, it can be useful to consult a professional to ensure that you get your message across in the best possible way to enhance the relationship.

Some of the above tips may not be appropriate in a situation where there is or has been abuse of some kind.

When mothers are the main breadwinners

Helena Deacon-Wood and Danielle Ollington — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 00:00:00 +1100

With living costs in Australia continuing to rise and financial stress the leading cause of relationship breakdown, it is not surprising that more mothers are choosing to return to full-time work post-baby.

But what are the implications when the mother is the main breadwinner of the family? The working mum and stay-at-home dad isn't a traditional role in Australia, so couples in this situation may find there are few role models to follow.

Forging new ground can be a challenge, but with some careful planning and teamwork, taking on new roles within the family unit can bring great rewards. Here are some tips which may help couples navigate through some of the issues.

Tip 1 - Make it a joint decision
Being listened to and having an opportunity to have a say in a relationship is vital for its longevity. It is as important as affection and friendship for long-term success. There needs to be agreement on the decision to be a female breadwinner, thinking long-term rather than short-term.

Tip 2 - Keep your relationship in focus
The stay-at-home dad needs to remember to pay attention to the relationship and not just the child or children. If the focus is on the child, the female partner may feel doubly wounded that she has lost the emotional connection with both her partner and child. Couples need to remember the importance of being a couple and that the best gift they can give their child is a good relationship. Keep in mind that your relationship acts as a 'blueprint' because modeling is a powerful influence on children's behaviour.

Tip 3 - Living with Mr Mom and the loss of the provider role
Given the stresses that a new baby brings to relationships, couples need to navigate changing roles with mutual respect and care. Make sure you recognise the contribution of your partner and allow them to take on the alternative role if possible. Fathers need to be able to take a back seat in their partner's presence to allow them the sense of being a competent mother. The mother should support her partner if a work or study opportunity arises which can be incorporated into his existing parenting role.

Tip 4 - A flexible arrangement is a winning one
Remember that decisions agreed to in principle before the baby arrives can change at birth, or at other points in children's development. It is important that decisions aren't cast in stone and can be re-negotiated if feelings of sadness or resentment emerge. Make sure you regularly review how the arrangement is working. It may be useful to have a plan where being the breadwinner is shared or alternatively both parents work part-time.

Tip 5 - Don't let housework interfere with bonding time
Research shows that women do significantly more housework than men, even when both are working. If the female breadwinner comes home after a long day at work hoping to spend time with her child and is faced with a backlog of nappies, washing and cleaning, resentment can quickly mount. Male partners need to make efforts to keep up with household tasks so the mother doesn't lose time to play and interact with her child.

Tip 6 - Maintain relevance in the workplace
A father who stays at home for an extended period may lose confidence in his ability to be relevant in the current marketplace and become resistant to returning to work in a lower level role. Couples should remain abreast of the work situation and renegotiate if necessary. The male partner may be able to do some ongoing study during this time to ensure that he maintains his relevance in the workforce or working from home could be an option.

*Helena Deacon-Wood and Danielle Ollington are Counsellors at Relationships Australia Victoria.

Social media use has its downside

Sue Yorston — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +1100

Our survey on the use of social media and technology shows it is having an impact on the family and relationships, despite the positive aspects.

A significant majority of the 120 Relationships Australia practitioners who took part in the survey told us that issues relating to social media and technology are cropping up more often in family and relationship counselling sessions.

And 40 per cent of community respondents told us that social media was causing problems in their relationships, largely to do with privacy, time demands and communication.

We conducted the national survey of our practitioners and members of the community in 2011 to determine the impact, both positive and negative, of social media and technology on relationships.

Practitioner survey

The survey shows that about 80 per cent of our practitioners have counselled clients who raised concerns about the impact of Facebook on their relationships.

Seventy two per cent encountered concerns about email and almost 50 per cent dealt with concerns about mobile internet devices and blogs and forums.

Our practitioners say that separating and divorced families often use Facebook, email and mobile phones unconstructively.

Abuse and bullying of previous partners through these methods is a common issue. Guidance is needed to ensure that such contact is less emotional and more business-like and productive.

Adolescent/parent relationships are also being impacted with the need for safety versus privacy.

The practitioners also say that internet pornography, cybersex and online dating and gambling sites continue to cause problems in relationships.

Other commonly cited issues include:

partners resorting to the use of hidden secret SIM cards and email addresses to maintain infidelities
online stalking, checking and monitoring of partner's email, mobile and electronic communication and hacking into ex-partners' Facebook accounts
all-consuming user of the internet and technology to the exclusion of one's partner
intimacy problems arising from a partner using internet pornography.

Community survey

More than 330 people responded to the online community survey.

The results show that despite the benefits of maintaining relationships with friends and family and reconnecting with people from the past, social media and technology are also increasingly causing relationship problems.

While 52 per cent of community respondents say that social media improves how and how often they communicate, 40 per cent report that it is causing problems. The key issues of concern are:

privacy, 86%
time demands, 82%
changed or impersonal communication style, 81%
trust, 75%
safety, 75%
conflicting priorities, 75%.

A number of common themes have emerged from community respondents.

These include concern over children's and teenagers' lack of social skills and neglect of family relationships due to internet use.

Linked with this is concern over personally damaging or detrimental posts made by young people without considering the ramifications.

There is also a dichotomy between social media generating positive feelings of connection versus accentuating feelings of loneliness and creating illusory, false or shallow connection.

Other themes are suspicion over partners' online activities and connections, including fears of online cheating.

The survey results will be an important input to our plans for services specifically designed around helping people cope with an increasingly connected world.

RAV has been in the relationship support business for more than 60 years; we know a lot about what makes or breaks positive relationships in the real world.

We want to help people manage their relationships in the online world as well, and this survey has helped us to find out more about how social media and technology are changing the way people relate to each other.

* Sue Yorston is RAV's Manager of Social Inclusion Services.

Be prepared for Valentine's Day

Admin — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +1100

Like it or loathe it, Valentine's Day has become a fixture in the romantic calendar of many Australians, particularly the under 40s.

Yet not all of us feel the same way about 14 February.

For some, celebrating Valentine's Day is an important way of injecting romance into an important relationship - that feeling of being admired and desired.

For others, the the day is a load of old rubbish and just another sentimental fad Australians have imported from the US - a marketing of emotions.

And then there are those who sit somewhere in between.

If you are in a relationship, it is important to know how your partner feels about Valentine's Day and the expectations he or she may have.

By ignoring the day, a non-romantic partner may be on the way to temporary relationship hell.

On the other hand, you could earn a lot of brownie points by organising some sort of celebration. It does not have to be expensive, just something meaningful between the two of you.

The gesture recognises that you have paid attention to what is important to your partner. Equally of course, your partner needs to acknowledge the gesture.

In other words, if you are both clear about each other's expectations and respond accordingly, the day is likely to go much more smoothly.

Despite all the hype around Valentine's Day, people should not judge their partners only by their actions on one day of the year.

Nurturing our relationships every day - paying attention, being affectionate, appreciative words, acts of kindness above and beyond our agreed responsibilities - is the most important thing we can do.

Don't take your partner for granted. Affirm them by expressing your love and celebrating each other, sometimes for no obvious reason.

You don't have to wait for Valentine's Day, a birthday or other significant event to show you care.

Nevertheless, follow these tips and and a happy Valentine's Day could be yours.

Don't assume your partner feels the same as you about Valentine's Day.
If the day is important to you, let your partner know. It could save a lot of disappointment later.
There is no need to be extravagant. Simple celebrations and simple words are sufficient.

Be bushfire ready and leave

admin — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 00:00:00 +1100

It is nearly three years ago that bushfires devastated many Victorian communities, shattering lives and livelihoods and leaving the State, in fact the country, in shock.

Since those dark days, much has been done to rebuild fire-affected regions and support individuals, families and communities to recover.

RAV's Traralgon Centre has been an active participant in the Gippsland bushfire recovery program, providing free counselling and outreach services over many months to support those in need.

With the bushfire season upon us again, it is important that we remember the lessons of Black Saturday. That is why RAV is supporting the Victorian Government's Making Victoria FireReady campaign that aims to reach potentially vulnerable people in high-risk bushfire areas.

Do you need help leaving early before a high fire risk day, or know someone who does?

Leaving early before a bushfire is the best way to ensure your safety - but for some people, it's not that easy.

People who are frail or elderly, have a physical disability, or have problems thinking clearly or acting quickly under stress may be reliant on others to help them leave early on a Severe, Extreme or Code Red fire day.

If this sounds like someone you know - especially someone living alone in an isolated area - then talk to them about how you could help.

Or, if this sounds like you, then ask your family, friends or neighbours to help you plan how to leave early, using a copy of the Red Cross 'Bushfires: preparing to leave early' plan. You can fill out the plan online or call the Victorian Bushfire Information Line to request a copy.

Discuss the ideas in the plan with family, friends, neighbours and anyone else in your support network. If you need help filling out the plan, ask one of these people or anyone else who could assist, such as a carer.

For your free copy of the Red Cross 'Bushfires - preparing to leave early' plan, go to cfa.vic.gov.au/redcrossplan to fill out a plan online or print out a plan to fill in, or call the Victorian Bushfire Information line on 1800 240 667.

For people who are deaf or have a hearing or speech impairment, call the National Relay Service on 1800 555 677.

Don't worry, the kids will be fine

admin — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +1100

This week, thousands of parents across Victoria are facing the start of another school year after six weeks with the kids on holidays.

Despite the relief that many will feel, this can be an emotional and anxious time for parents.

The first transition is from kindergarten to school, significant because your baby is now growing up and taking their first real steps up the educational ladder.

Letting go is difficult for some parents who worry they will no longer be there for most of the time to care for and nurture their children.

Not so difficult for their children themselves, because of the excellent kinder-to-prep transition programs that make it a lot easier than it was in their parents' day.

Today's five-year-olds arrive at school reasonably familiar with their teachers and classrooms and know where the toilets are.

One of the things a parent needs to get used to is no longer being the sole focus of their child's world. For example, you may have to endure "Mrs Jones says..." and feeling that Mrs Jones is a lot smarter than mum and dad.

While you may feel that your position has been usurped, remember it is an important developmental step for your child to respond to an external authority figure.

The next big transition comes at the start of secondary school. Just as at prep, most secondary schools have excellent orientation programs that make this jump from primary a lot less scary than it was.

Keep your own anxieties in check when talking to your child about the transition. This will enable him or her to have a much better chance of moving smoothly into the next six years of schooling.

Acknowledge there will be some adjustments to make. For example, your child may be worried about getting lost or not knowing where to go. You could talk about useful strategies that would help in these circumstances.

By doing this, you are giving them a chance to talk about their own areas of anxiety.

Let them know they are not on their own - if there are 150 kids in Year 7, the other 149 are sure to be feeling just the same.

You can also help by being practical, for example by doing a few dummy runs if your child will be going to school on public transport.

It is not uncommon for parents to feel overwhelmed when their children start secondary school. Rest assured it's okay to call the homeroom teacher if you are concerned about any issues with your child, or just to make sure they are settling in.

After all, it is in the teachers' best interests for new students to feel settled and happy in their new environment.

And after the children have settled in, remember to continue to support and encourage them in their schooling throughout the year.

Let's celebrate the diverse Aussie

admin — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +1100

January 26 has been celebrated officially as Australia Day since 1946. Variously called "First Landing Day", "Foundation Day", "Anniversary Day" and "Survival Day", this day of commemoration has collected many layers of significance as we evolve in national identity and maturity.

Tomorrow, we are invited to reflect on what it means to be Australian in 2012, and how this influences the way we relate to ourselves, each other and our history.

The traditional Australian narrative has been an Anglo-Celtic one, colourful convicts, bushrangers and diggers, resilient in the face of hardship and heroic at overcoming the odds.

The Australian "type" has been seen as hardy, adaptable, sport-loving, egalitarian and male - a larrikin who values mateship above all else, particularly authority.

This portrayal has contributed to the suppression and marginalisation of the cultural identities of Indigenous people and Australians from non-Anglo backgrounds. It does not accurately reflect who, or what we are as a nation.

Australia has been a multicultural society since its days as a penal colony and, of course, a land full of rich cultural traditions for thousands of years before white settlement.

We can value the positive aspects of the larrikin - independent, strong, playful, mischievous.

We can also create a new Aussie image by celebrating social inclusion, diversity, community, family and relationships, qualities of which all Australians can be proud.

Online gambling: a hidden problem

Sue Yorston — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +1100

There has been much talk in the media this year about gambling in the context of Australian Government proposals to introduce pokies reform.

Relationships Australia Victoria is on the record as supporting these reforms as we see the destructive side of problem gambling and its impact on individuals, families and the community.

While the focus of the debate to date has been on pokies, we should not forget about the increasing problem of online gambling, which has been growing at a rate of up to 20 per cent a year.

Our experience shows that problem gamblers are ashamed of their behaviour and try to hide it from their families and friends.

The access to online gambling and its 24/7 at work, at a cafe, at home availability makes it easier to be secretive.

Unfortunately, the negative outcomes are the same for problem online gamblers as for those who go to a venue, such as a club or pub.

Apart from major financial losses, there are negative impacts on intimate and family relationships, friendships, employment and health, including mental health.

We recognise that education about the dangers of online gambling may draw attention to its attraction.

Nevertheless, it is essential to support people whose gambling leads to financial and personal difficulties, as well as those close to the problem gambler - partners, parents, children.

It is equally important to regulate advertising and promotion of gambling which has proliferated in recent years in sport and all forms of media. This has the effect of normalising gambling and potentially creating gambling patterns in young people.

If you need help for problem gambling, click here.

* Sue Yorston manages RAV's Ballarat Centre which offers free counselling for people affected by problem gambling as part of the Gamblers Help program.

Take the boredom out of holidays

Anonymous — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 00:00:00 +1100

There are still a few weeks left of the school holidays, a time when boredom can set in and kids get restless.

Don't despair - there are many ways you and your family can have a special holiday which will be long remembered.

Holidays need to be about doing a lot of different things, such as board games, walks, backyard cricket, going to a movie - not spending hours a day on Facebook and Twitter.

Many of us spend so much time in pressure situations in front of computers, studying or working. To simply get out and stretch our legs on a family stroll - with a dog if you have one - is a great way of creating a simple and enjoyable activity.

Even in this social networking age, board games still have an important place in the family holiday. While it's hard to seat six people around a computer screen, games such as Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit and Pictionary to name a few are ideal for that number and are still great fun.

It is important to take the kids out of their normal schedule of school and activities. Doing things with the kids is a bit like having a bank account: the more time you spend with them doing fun things, the bigger your goodwill deposit will be and the more interest you will earn.

In terms of healthy family functioning, kids need to see parents relax and have time for them. It can be quite an eye opener for the child of a busy executive or tradie who works very long hours to suddenly suggest a hit of badminton or a bike ride.

Holiday time is also a chance to relax a few family rules that relate to routine, such as mealtimes. Why not liberate yourself by ignoring your watch and eating according to the family's stomach clock?

Have a cook-up of all the kids' favourites and involve them in the process. You might even find yourself getting a buzz out of it too.

Spending time with our children gives us more emotional time and more space in our brains to relate to them.

It doesn't really matter what you do on holidays, as long as it's something you do together and it's fun. The time you spend is what they will treasure and remember in future years.

Tips:

Do different things from the normal busy routine.
Don't be slaves to the clock. Change over to a leisurely 'holiday clock'.
Check local libraries and papers for low-cost kids' activities.
Get together with friends for a picnic in the park or at the beach and a game of cricket or footy.

10 tips for freshening up your relationship

Danielle Ollington — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +1100

With the festive season upon us, our relationship can sometimes take a back seat to Christmas preparations, work and parenting. Use the approaching holiday season to reflect on and put some energy back into your relationship.

10 tips for freshening up a relationship:
Tip 1
What:   Preserve the rituals you have that bring you both pleasure; and create new ones.
How:    Think about what you do together on holidays that can become part of your life; go for a bike ride together, or visit a new cafe each week.
Why?    Rituals help couples to have a sense of belonging and connection and provide a sense of personal identity.

Tip 2
What:   Reflect on what attracted you to each other when you first met.
How:    Go to the first restaurant where you shared a meal. Remind each other what you saw and felt in those first few months.
Why?    Reflecting on this draws couples closer together and connects them.

Tip 3
What:   Support each other's dreams.
How:    Sit together and look at your desired plans and goals for the coming year: these might include financial, individual, holiday and family aims.
Why?   In healthy relationships, couples are in touch with and supportive of each other's dreams; and it can create a shared future which connects a couple.

Tip 4
What:   Choose to let go of bitter feelings and old hurts.
How:     While there is no easy answer, it's important to have empathy for the other person and also consider how you may have contributed to the problem.
Why?    Holding onto bitterness hurts you more than anyone else and restricts what is possible in a relationship. The ability to apologise is vital for a healthy relationship.

Tip 5
What:   Know what you want and ask for it.
How:     Develop self-awareness and assertiveness skills - keep a journal, attend a course, read, and find the words to express yourself.
Why?    Your partner can't read your mind. Self-awareness assists people to create boundaries, which facilitate intimacy.

Tip 6
What:   Let your partner know that you think about them during the day, and remember what they like.
How:    Buy small gifts for your partner, give them a card or flowers, cook them a favourite meal, or do a job around the house that they don't like.
Why?    This assists partners to feel cared for, to feel that they really know you, and can create a sense of romance as it is often the sort of behaviour displayed early in a relationship.

Tip 7
What:   Maintain or enhance affection and sexuality in your relationship.
How:     Kiss hello & goodbye, tell your partner that you love them, have a conversation about sex - maybe your needs have changed while you've been a couple.
Why?    Touch is incredibly important and therapeutic, and sexual intimacy is another form of expressing love.

Tip 8
What:   Strive to have a balance between work, rest and play (Freud) and between individual and couple activities.
How:     Evaluate your life: do you have too many eggs in the one basket? Are you spending enough time together? Have you lost your sense of self? If so, make some adjustments. Leave work early one night a week, plan a regular date night, do a course or sporting activity.
Why?    Balance in life results in better mental health. Individual activities can bring new energy, and shared activities create a sense of connectedness.

Tip 9
What:   Maintain interest and curiosity about your partner. Admire them and compliment them frequently. Be grateful for who they are and what they offer.
How:     Ask questions, be informed about your partner's inner and outer world. Tell them what you like about them -what a patient parent they are, how grateful you were when they took time off work to assist you and so on.
Why?    People are constantly changing; don't assume you know everything about them. When partners can see the good in each other, it helps them through the tough times. Gratitude assists people to be happy.

Tip 10
What:   If it's not already there, incorporate fun and laughter into your relationship.
How:     Send humorous emails to each other, attend the Comedy Festival, watch comedies together, tell jokes, and relive funny memories.
Why:    When laughter is shared it connects a couple and increases happiness. Laughter, like exercise, triggers the release of endorphins.

How to survive (and enjoy) Christmas

Helena Deacon-Wood — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +1100

Christmas is a stressful time as expectations of ourselves and our family come into focus on one day. Our family and our life may not be exactly what we dream about, but we can manage the expectations and enjoy the season anyway. Relationships Australia Victoria has some tips on preparing for the big day and handling Christmas Day itself.

Be prepared

While we sometimes think that more is better, most people like a present that shows that you really thought about them - you don't want to be worried about repaying your credit card on Boxing Day as this will definitely take the cheer out of the Christmas period. You could also give yourself a finish date and tell yourself - "I will not go out again to buy little extras after .........because in all honesty, I will have bought enough by then".
Instead of buying presents for every member of your family, many of which will be put away never to re-emerge, consider organising a Kris Kringle instead. Agree on a maximum price to be spent on each gift. You can put names into a hat and make a list, letting people know who has which person for whom to buy. By doing this, each member of your family will get a gift they will appreciate and remember who bought it for them.
Don't leave wrapping till the last moment - wrap as you go so that you don't find yourself wrapping a huge amount of presents the night before. For parents of young children, this is most likely after the kids are in bed, meaning a very late night for you followed by a very early Christmas morning wake up!
Many cultures celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. This is an excellent way to ensure that you are not rushing between families on the one day which often adds to the stress of Christmas. A Christmas Eve gathering can have a very special ambience.
Organise a roster so that each family member can bring a meat and either a salad or a dessert; this takes the financial and preparation pressure off one person or family and gives others an opportunity to sample different foods and show their appreciation in the larger setting.

Christmas Day

Play some games - have all the children and adults participate in teams to play backyard cricket, table tennis, badminton or a trivia quiz, to name a few examples. Activities such as these will release tension and give a sense of fun to all involved. They will also limit the possibility of things going wrong (eg arguments between family members after a few too many beers or wines), provided they aren't taken too seriously.
Reflect on past Christmases by looking at some old photos or items of special significance.
Watch a Christmas DVD together - this will remind family members of earlier times when the bonds often seemed closer which could facilitate greater bonding in the present.
Take group photos which will show over time the expansion of the family and provide an opportunity for Christmas rituals to develop, adding to the sense of family.
Lower your expectations of the day and focus on the joy of Christmas not the demands and pressure of Christmas.
We can feel that we are children again at Christmas; we may be having the family meal at our parents' home with all our siblings. Be prepared for the fact that old family dynamics and alliances may come into play (eg you are the oldest child and feel as though you are the one getting the food on the table and washing all the dishes). If you don't want this role, think about ways in which you can include others in these tasks. Remember that everyone responds better if they are asked in a kind and gentle manner.
We often hope that family members will put their differences aside at Christmas time, but this requires a high level of maturity from all parties and unfortunately doesn't always happen. Avoid bringing up any issues at this time as a negative response can ruin Christmas for everyone. Show restraint, good boundaries and consideration for others.

Violence program helps Vietnamese men

admin — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 00:00:00 +1100

A successful Vietnamese-speaking men and family violence group run in Melbourne's northwest region in 2011 could pave the way for future programs that address the needs of culturally diverse communities.

Relationships Australia Victoria ran the program through our Sunshine Centre, with a grant from the Legal Services Board Grants Program.

The Centre runs entry level, behaviour change and ongoing mentor groups for men who have been violent and controlling towards family members.

It managed the Vietnamese-speaking men and family violence program in partnership with a reference group including Kildonan Uniting Care, Djerriwarrh Health Services, inTouch Multicultural Centre Against Family Violence, the Australian Vietnamese Women's Association, the Victorian Foundation for Survivors of Torture, and No to Violence Male Family Violence Prevention Association.

The Vietnamese-speaking group ran over 15 weeks. Participants were between the ages of 22 and 43, and were mostly referred by the courts or government agencies. Working with the men's partners was an important element of the program.

Centre Manager, Ms Robyn McIvor, said an evaluation of the program demonstrated it was possible to run men's behaviour change for specific cultural groups in their own language.

She said there already had been encouragement from referral sources to develop groups for Indian, Arabic-speaking and African men.

"Government bodies that fund family violence work need to recognise that specific language speaking groups would enable men from other cultures to embrace behavioural change and move towards non-violent behaviour."

The findings of the group's evaluation are published in a report: Developing a Vietnamese Men's Behaviour Change Program.

Swear to make a difference

Dr Bickerdike — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +1100

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) urges Victorian men to join this year's White Ribbon campaign and take the oath to stop violence against women: "I swear never to commit, excuse or remain silent about violence against women. This is my oath."

By making this simple but powerful pledge, men will send a strong message that violence is not acceptable and should not be tolerated under any circumstances.

RAV supports White Ribbon Day, 25 November, an annual event of the White Ribbon Foundation to engage men in the campaign to end violence against women.

One in three women experience physical violence in their lifetime, and one in five would experience sexual violence.

Violence not only manifests as physical or sexual assault, but also as the exercise of power and control which may include direct or indirect threats, emotional and psychological abuse, economic control, property damage and social isolation.

Sadly, women are at most risk of violence from people they know, and often within intimate relationships. Yet people often turn a blind eye to family violence where they would not tolerate an assault in a public place. The fact is, an assault in the home or in the street is the same thing.

Living with violence is like being on a roller coaster ride, causing confusion and anxiety and sometimes leading to reactions such as depression, medical disorders and drug and alcohol abuse. The impact on children is confusion, anger and fear.

RAV strongly encourages people to act and offer to help those who might be in abusive relationships.

It is also important that men who have committed family violence take responsibility for their actions and make genuine attempts to change their behaviour.

Changing behaviour is not simply a matter of 'turning over a new leaf'. Permanent change can occur when men are engaged in taking responsibility for their destructive behavioural patterns and making different choices.

RAV offers family violence prevention programs at our centres in Melbourne and regional Victoria, together with men's behaviour change groups. We also offer a range of services to support the safety of women and children in relationships where violence is present.

* Dr Bickerdike is the Chief Executive Officer of Relationships Australia Victoria

How to have a healthy argument

Helena Deacon-Wood — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +1100

The ability to deal with conflict is an important life skill because conflict is part of life. If we were all the same, there would be no conflict, but it is the differences between us which create our personal growth, because we are moved outside our comfort zones.

Our differences create competing wants and needs and ways of doing things. Negative feelings often arise when our needs are not being met or we are giving too much - we may feel angry, anxious, frustrated or sad. A sense of injustice is often a common theme running through disagreements. If we don't discuss these feelings, they are likely to become more powerful and lead to conflict.

How do we bring up feelings before they escalate into a conflict situation? An important message is to do so earlier rather than later, while we are still in control of our feelings. Often, when we have heated arguments, our feelings are controlling us.

One of the problems is that when we get into arguments we tend to look like soldiers in their opposing bunkers fighting to win the war. One of us pops up and 'shoots' before ducking down to miss the next bullet. We aren't listening to anyone else or really seeing them or their side of the story. Instead, we are focused on our own survival.

Rule 1
Therefore, the 1st rule of having a healthy argument is to think about the situation from an `us' perspective rather than `you' and `me'. This relates to couples, work colleagues, family and friends. Prioritise the relationship.

In the excellent book `I Win, You Win', the authors suggest that you move from arguing from a position to talking about `interests' which include your wants, your needs, your concerns and your fears. For example, a couple may be having a fight because the female partner does not feel loved. With a `you' and `me' approach, she might say "you never cuddle me or tell me I'm special" which is likely to feel like a criticism to her partner, who may then get defensive and respond with "there's always something wrong with me", which results in him pulling away and her feeling even more unloved.

What if she was to say "I am feeling a little unloved at the moment, I want to feel close to you and I need a cuddle in the morning and a call during the day. It worries me when we aren't as connected because this relationship is important to me."

Which of these approaches would you be most likely to respond to in a positive way?

Rule 2
The 2nd rule is to take it gently. A full-blown assault usually happens when we keep our negative feelings inside and blow up when the situation happens again. We all know that you get more bees with honey, but how many of us break the honey pot in a conflict situation?

Rule 3
The 3rd rule is to look at your part in the conflict. Blame (over focusing on the other) is only part the story. Blame comes from a place of judgement, but when we feel self righteous we stunt our growth and lose our connection with another person. Put yourself in the other person's shoes (empathy) and think about how it might feel for them. This is such an important skill to develop if you wish to live harmoniously with others.

Rule 4
We all have a right to be treated with dignity and respect. It is not okay for someone to hit below the belt during conflict. John Gottman, a marital guru from the United States, found with 86% accuracy that contempt predicts divorce. We treat our partner with contempt whenever we leave them feeling `put down'. It is the eye roll; the hurtful comment that attacks their person rather than their behaviour; the sneer or comment when you are out in public. Rule 4 is to never put your partner down.

Rule 5
Speak directly to the other person - don't gossip unless what you are saying is something you would be comfortable that the other person hears. This relates to work, home and friendship. Remember the Bill Clinton scenario where Monica Lewinsky told one other person - and the world knew. Most people tell at least one other person. People will respect you because they know they can trust you - being straightforward is one of the elements of trust.

Rule 6
Rule 6 is that you never transgress your bottom line. Is it more important to you to be liked or respected? Some people will push you until you give in, but what happens is they keep pushing because they know that you will ultimately relent. You may think it is only this once but it won't be.

Rule 7
Rule 7 is that you must stand up if you are treated with disrespect. John Gottman states that the less a person tolerates in the beginning of a relationship, the less likely it is that they will experience disrespectful behaviour. Don't be a cheap forgiver in these situations because the personal cost is too great..

Rule 8
Rule 8 is to call a stop if the situation is escalating and you recognise that you are getting into your familiar negative emotional pattern. Once our emotions are heightened, we are no longer able to have a rational conversation with another person because we are now operating from our limbic system, which has also been called our `reptilian brain' because reptiles react, they don't think through the consequences of their actions. You might choose a word to let the other person know that you are becoming overwhelmed and need time out, but always return when you say you will or trust will be affected. It has been shown that 20 minutes is required for calm to return.

Rule 9
Don't make mountains out of mole hills is the 9th Rule. Oprah Winfrey waits a day if she sees something she likes, and buys it the following day if she still likes it. This could be a good standard to use in our relationships. If something happens and it still bothers you the next day, then it is worth a discussion. Below the belt fighting and disrespectful behaviour do not fall into this category and need to be addressed immediately.

Rule 10
Don't bring up issues when you are in a low mood is the 10th Rule. Humour and kindness always work better than complaints - and we are most likely to complain when we feel down.

Free Gippsland Women's Forum

Anonymous — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 00:00:00 +1100

Join like-minded women in Gippsland for a day of learning, exploring and connecting with others. This 3rd Annual Forum offers the opporunity to take part in a fun and diverse range of workshops; with topics ranging from self-discovery to relationship education and practical learning.

You will also hear from inspirational keynote speakers, Janine Shepherd and Brad Blaze. A lunchtime Expo and Gala Dinner complete the day. This event is taking place on Saturday 26 November and is free of charge (dinner at additional $35 cost). The venue is Yarram Secondary College.

Registrations are essential and must be received by 14 November, so hurry and book now to secure your place.

Positive despite cuts

admin — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +1100

RAV is optimistic about the future and new opportunities that may come from sector reform, despite a difficult environment which has seen the organisation's core funding cut for the first time.

CEO Andrew Bickerdike told the 63rd Annual General Meeting last night that federal funding for counselling and family dispute resolution was cut by 5% and 3% respectively, effective from July 2011. In addition, Family Relationship Centre funding had been reduced by 4%, effective from January 2012.

The CPI increase of 1.9% was also well below inflation for the second consecutive year, effectively an additional cut in funding.

Dr Bickerdike said the cuts had led to service reduction, with waiting lists at client centres. There had also been some staff reductions, "not easy for an organisation such as ours".

"I am pleased that despite these challenges, we have been able to maintain the quality of our services as evidenced by the good feedback from our clients and the sector generally.

"We have also been able to retain and recruit quality staff and are regarded as an employer of choice in the sector."

Dr Bickerdike said RAV had responded well to sector reform, which would see a greater focus on delivering services to Indigenous, disadvantaged and vulnerable clients.

"As a result, we are well positioned to pursue new opportunities and expand our services to meet the increasingly diverse needs of Victorian families."

RAV President Judi Anderson told the meeting that the Board was as committed as ever to growth to ensure RAV's long-term future.

"Naturally we are disappointed that our funding is going backwards after several years of strong growth. Our challenge will be to implement the cost savings without diminishing the range and quality of our services to clients, who rely on us for support.

"We are determined to diversify our revenue sources as a means of increasing our income, and are working on strategies that will enable us to identify and pursue new funding opportunities in the government and corporate sectors," she said.

More information is available in the 2010/11 Annual Review.

Easing the pain of separation and divorce

Danielle Ollington — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +1100

Separating from a partner can be an incredibly painful process. It's the end of a dream that never will be again. When you are parents as well as partners, it's really important to stay focused on your children's needs, both now and in the future. This is asking a lot when there is hurt, disappointment and betrayal; and you feel at your lowest in terms of emotional resources.

Ideally, talk to your children together, giving an explanation of your separation which is appropriate for your child's age, without going into too much detail. It is important to remember that children can blame themselves for the separation and they need to be reassured that it is not their fault. Children also need to be reassured that their parents will not stop loving them or divorce them down the track. In such a time of change it can be useful to keep your children's lives as routine as possible - school, activities, friends, and so on.

Remember that children will often show their distress by exhibiting behaviours - younger children may regress (eg may begin to wet the bed after many years of not wetting the bed); have sleep disturbances; or display tantrums. Teenagers may be angry, act out (eg run away) or become withdrawn. You may also notice a decline in school performance. Rather than simply punish, it's important to see the behaviours as a sign of distress. Help your child to find words to describe the feelings they have.

Children will often secretly hope that their Mum and Dad will get back together and when one parent finds a new partner your child may experience further grief and loss.

Do's and Dont's

Do remember your shared dreams for your children and hold these in mind as you negotiate tough times.
Don't encourage your child to take sides.
Don't speak badly about your ex-partner. Your children love both of you and are loyal to both of you.
Don't grill your children for information when they return from visiting your ex-partner.
Don't punish your ex partner by threatening to or making it difficult for them to see their child.
Do find an outlet for the hurt and grief you are experiencing.
Do attempt to establish a healthy parenting relationship with your ex partner. You will be joined forever by your children and there will be many occasions in the future where you may be present at events together.
Do remember that children also grieve (and normal uncomplicated grieving lasts 18 months to two years). Remember to talk with them about their feelings.
Don't fight in front of your children. They find it very distressing.
Do ensure that you look after your own emotional needs. Talk with friends, seek a support group or find a counsellor - it is too big a job for a child or teenager to emotionally support their parent.
Do keep your children informed. Prepare them for changes like having to move house and let them know when they will be seeing their other parent.
Do create a space for them when they come to your home to assist them to feel wanted.
Do seek mediation if you and your ex-partner are experiencing difficulties with financial agreements, parenting arrangements or property.

Useful numbers
Relationships Australia Victoria 1300 364 277
Mensline 1300 789 978
Family Relationships Advice Line 1800 050 321
Centacare Australia 1300 138 070

Enjoyment is the key

Anonymous — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 00:00:00 +1100

When your first bundle of joy arrives, it is difficult to believe that in only five years, this new little person could be running you ragged as you traipse from ballet class to Auskick to music lessons, as well as fitting in five days of school each week.

A few generations ago children went to school, came home, did chores and homework, then probably went out to play. The myriad activities that seem to be on offer for primary school-aged children just wasn't available.

Today there is a lot of pressure on being successful in the parenting role and this seems to involve doing whatever you need to do to enable your children to achieve.

If you always yearned to dance then you may want your daughter to experience what you missed out on. And if her friends are all doing ballet, she will be desperate to do it too.

So the pressure on parents tends to be twofold - the children will be itching to do the same as their friends, and parents may want to make sure their children have the opportunities they missed.

Another reason that can cause us to embrace a great many activities at an early age is the possibility we will discover a genius. By offering the child many activities to try, you may think you will discover the next footy star or singing sensation.

But the reality is you need to do activities your child enjoys, regardless of whether there is a great talent waiting to be nurtured. Sort out which are the really valuable activities and keep those; drop the ones that don't seem to be doing much for you or your child.

Some people try to limit the busy-ness of their lives by allowing each child two activities. This doesn't necessarily make life manageable, because each activity might have a weekly training session, a match and require a lot of parental involvement on the management side.

What is better is to work out how much time you feel you can manage to devote to each child's extra curricular activities.

Apply some common sense, and make sure the child's extra curricular activities don't take over all the family's leisure time.

You and your child need some time to play, talk and listen to each other without always rushing to the next activity.

Tips:

Don't feel you have to give your child every opportunity that you missed out on.
Apply some balance: work out which activities will fit in with the family lifestyle.
Make sure there is still time for unstructured play and chat - for you and your children.

RAV to provide services offshore

Anonymous — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +1000

Relationships Australia Victoria (RAV) - in partnership with the Family Court of Australia - will deliver professional development services to Indonesian court judges in 2012, thanks to a new contract with AusAID.

The new contract aims to ensure the voice of women and children is heard during court hearings; and will involve RAV developing and delivering professional training for Sharia Court Judges in Indonesia next year. This is the first time that RAV has extended its services to an international client base.

The contract resulted from discussions between RAV's General Manager Client Services, Dr Ian Law - and the Family Court of Australia, on potential joint venture projects in South East Asia. Negotiations continued after Dr Law presented a paper at the International Association for Court Administration (IACA) Asia Pacific regional conference in Indonesia in March. The conference was attended by the Chief Justice of the Family Court of Australia and the Chief Federal Magistrate. The importance of this event to the region was evidenced by an official opening by the President of Indonesia, Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono.

The training contract is being fully funded by AusAID.

Mixed reaction to social media

Anonymous — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +1000

The preliminary findings of a Relationships Australia Victoria ( RAV) community survey on social media and technology show a mixed reaction in terms of their impact on relationships.

The community survey and another for practitioners are being undertaken by RAV as part of a national initiative under the theme: Relationships of the future and how we will work with them.

The surveys aim to explore the impact of technology and social media on relationships from both a positive and negative perspective. Our practitioners will also be able to use the information we gain when helping clients who present with relationship issues resulting from use of social media and technology.

The survey results show that the online world has both positive and negative impacts on relationships.

Read more about this survey is our latest eNewsletter.

Get money smart, avoid stress

Anonymous — Wed, 07 Sep 2011 00:00:00 +1000

The 2011 Relationships Indicators Survey shows that financial stress is the cause of 26% of relationship breakdowns.

This is why RAV is pleased to support ASIC's Mortgage Health Month campaign being run throughout September in response to rising rates of mortgage default.

The campaign is designed to encourage consumers to take early action when they spot signs of mortgage stress. This may not only protect their finances, but also their relationships.

ASIC's MoneySmart website includes practical information for consumers facing various levels of mortgage stress. Also check out the MoneySmart brochure.

You can can take action appropriate to your personal circumstances, for example:

check where your money is going by using the MoneySmart budget planner to create a budget
talk to your lender, or if that doesn't help, to an external dispute resolution scheme such as the Financial Ombudsman Service
seek assistance at no cost from a financial counsellor by calling the national telephone advice service (1800 007 007)
seek legal advice by using MoneySmart to local services available.

Celebrating diversity and fatherhood

Akiva Quinn — Tue, 23 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +1000

Fathers contribute to families and the welfare of their children in many ways: these diverse contributions are shaped by cultural and social factors that influence the priority of the different roles fathers play.

In some traditional contexts, fathers are viewed as the head of their families and assume primary responsibility for their children's moral or religious education.

More generally, the roles of fathers as contributors, alongside mothers, to the emotional and practical support of their partners and children, and to the economic security of the family, are now widely recognised.

Fathers provide secure, loving relationships that offer children emotional stability, good role models, support and guidance.

They are companions, carers, protectors, teachers and nurturers, and these paternal roles complement the contributions of mothers. Research shows that fathers and mothers in fact influence children in similar ways: parental warmth, responsiveness, sensitivity and closeness lead to positive child outcomes in both cases, so children benefit from having two highly involved parents.

Fathers are more likely to engage in boisterous, stimulating or emotionally arousing play with children, and fathers are also more likely to interact with children in ways that "challenge" their linguistic and practical skills, helping to provide children with a "bridge to the outside world".

Fathers contribute to their children's cognitive, psychological and social development through play, shared activities, outdoor challenges, sports, adventures, helping with reading, or other school tasks.

Significantly, fathers provide important emotional and practical support to mothers who are caring directly for children, thus enhancing the quality of mother-child relationships, sharing the load for child-related housework, and modelling paternal involvement for children.

Where parents live separately or divorce, the role of fathers is no less important as children consistently fare better when they can maintain meaningful relationships with both parents, unless unusually high levels of inter-parental conflict remain.

Fatherhood is highly regarded and respected across diverse cultures within our society.

Relationships Australia Victoria invites everyone to join the celebration of diversity in families at the Father's Day BBQ Brunch on Sunday 4 September from 10am to 1pm at Riversdale Park in Camberwell.

This celebration of fatherhood and cultural diversity features free activities for the whole family with Sumo wrestling, a jumping castle, Sudanese dancers, Henna painting, an Afghan coffee ceremony, cricket and more. Please see the flyer for more details or contact dadslink@ymca.org.au.

*Akiva Quinn is DadsLink Coordinator

Summit focuses on family law

Anonymous — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 00:00:00 +1000

Family law is one of the most harrowing areas of legal practice, involving the breakup of families and their assets.

The 8th Family Law Summit will be held in Melbourne on 1 September when speakers offer solutions to some of the most vexing problems for family law practitioners.

Relationships Australia Victoria endorses this important summit, and our Chief Executive Officer, Dr Andrew Bickerdike, will be one of the panelists in a discussion on the Family Law Act amendments "the need for safety from family violence".

Other panel speakers will be Caroline Counsel, President, the Law Institute Victoria; Dr Rae Kaspiew, Senior Research Fellow, Family Law Research Program, Australian Institute of Family Studies; and Dr Renata Alexander, Barrister, Victorian Bar.

The summit program also includes presentations on a snapshot of the most significant family law cases in the past 12 months; discretionary trusts and the Family Law Act; the growth of non-litigation options and arbitration in family law; and issues with super splitting for self-managed funds.

For full details, including how to register, click here. The early bird discount expires on Friday 12 August.

To err is human

Anonymous — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +1000

There seems to be an increasing trend in our modern society to blame others for mistakes, rather than take responsibility for our own contribution.

This behaviour can become established in early childhood, especially if children learn that blaming others and making excuses protect them from a sense of parental rejection.

If children often experience angry or frustrated responses from a parent over a simple human error, such as spillage or breakage, the child can take this personally and associate such mistakes with the withdrawal of love. This response makes it difficult for the child to take personal responsibility in the future, because to do so will elicit a fear of negative repercussions.

The most important thing for children is to be loved, so it makes sense that children will do everything in their power to make this happen. It's vital that parents step back and act with restraint in relation to normal childhood fumbles that are part of growing up.

Children learn to take responsibility for their actions as adults when they learn that everyone makes mistakes and it is OK to be less than perfect.

Let your child know you realise what they did was accidental rather than purposeful and that you love and support them.

Blaming others or making excuses for your behaviour can lead to relationship problems in adulthood. If a relationship is less than perfect, you may focus on what your partner is doing rather than on yourself.

When we stop blaming others, we start to take control over our lives, because we start to look at our own behaviour, something we have power to change.

If our 'black and white' thinking leads us to make harsh judgements of others that in turn results in them turning away from us, we can look at this and make attitudinal changes.

Acknowledging patterns in our own behaviour is a key element of self-reliance, as is a belief that we can make different choices. Each of us can choose how we respond to those around us. The choice is ours.

Tips:

Show compassion when your children make mistakes and try to stay connected, despite feelings of frustration or anger
Take responsibility for your own actions rather than focusing blame on your partner
Personally acknowledge patterns of behaviour that negatively affect your relationship and choose to act differently.

Property mediation workshops

Anonymous — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +1000

If you are interested in learning how to conduct property mediation, our skills-based workshops may be the answer.

RAV is offering workshops with experienced practitioners to prepare you to conduct property mediation.

The workshops are designed as an induction into practice. They will demystify the technical aspects of property mediation and support practitioners from all professional backgrounds to gain the confidence to do this work in what is an expanding area of practice.

The first workshop will be held over three days - 5, 6 and 7 August. Click here for the information flyer. To enrol, email Maree Nugent.

Survey spotlight on relationships

Alison Brook — Wed, 20 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +1000

Relationships Australia/CUA's 2011 Relationships Indicators Survey, released today, reveals that more than 40 per cent of Australians who use an average of four methods of technology to communicate with their friends or family feel lonely, compared to 11 per cent of those who use one form of technology.

This is the 7th Relationships Indicators Survey undertaken by Relationships Australia and is sponsored by CUA.

Australians who reported frequently feeling lonely identified SMS (67 per cent) and email (64 per cent) as the method of technology regularly used to communicate with friends, family and/or a potential partner.

Across all respondents, data showed that email (67 per cent), SMS (62 per cent) and social networking including Facebook and Twitter (39 per cent) were the top forms of technology used.

Overall, the 2011 research shows that Australians are feeling more optimistic about their relationships, and reasonably well supported and connected to their communities.

The research revealed that despite Australia's young adults being well connected through technology and social media, they are more likely to frequently feel lonely. About a quarter of 18 to 24 and 25 to 34 year olds frequently feel lonely compared to less than 10 per cent of 35 to 39 and 40 to 49 year olds.

The highest rate of loneliness was among 25 to 34 year olds, with 27 per cent frequently feeling lonely.

When asked if social networking technology has had a positive or negative impact on their relationships, the majority of survey respondents indicated it had no impact (57 per cent), compared to those who stated a positive impact (27 per cent), and those who cited a negative impact (16 per cent).

For those who felt social networking had a positive impact on their relationships, comments ranged from: 'It's easy to keep in touch with people' to 'It brings people back in touch with friends'.

Those who cited social networking as having a negative impact felt: 'There is less face-to-face contact', 'People forget how to communicate in person' and 'People spend too much time on the computer and not together'.

The 2011 Relationships Indicators Survey results also revealed the most common reasons for relationship breakdowns in Australia, with 'financial stress' being the leading cause (26 per cent), followed by 'communication difficulties' (25 per cent), 'different expectations/values' (23 per cent) and 'lack of trust' (22 per cent).

Andrew Hadley, CUA's Group General Manager, Strategy and Marketing, says that given one in four respondents cited financial stress as a major reason for their relationship breaking down, proactively taking control of your money is a positive first step.

Samantha Aldridge, Practising Psychologist and Executive Director of Relationships Australia QLD, say that with the issues facing Australia's relationships today, she is surprised that 77 per cent of respondents say they have not sought professional help for relationship issues, particularly those aged 18 to 24 (86 per cent), followed by those aged 25 to 34.

Most respondents cited 'talking to friends' as the most common way they got through low points in their relationships (35 per cent).

Often the best thing you can do is seek professional help to get you through the tough times of a relationship or to make a good relationship even better.

* Alison Brook is the National Executive Officer for Relationships Australia

For background on the survey and more results, click here.

When life goes wrong

Danielle Ollington — Wed, 13 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +1000

We are surrounded by disappointment, loss, sadness and trauma on a daily basis - if it's not you or a member of your family, then it's a friend, the friend of a friend or a celebrity.

We just need to watch the news to hear stories of life gone wrong, whether it's depicting floods, fires, earthquakes, terrorist attacks or other atrocities. Sometimes it is more hidden like affairs, miscarriages, and IVF treatments. Sometimes it's ongoing like illness, and disability.

How do we cope when life goes wrong, and how do we help those we love when they experience a loss or trauma?

This article outlines three key strategies: acknowledgement, the importance of not minimising and the value of the couple relationship when dealing with loss.

1. Acknowledge the loss

Often couples will come for therapy citing the relationship or each other as the problem. An investigation into what else was happening around the time they began to experience difficulties often reveals other stresses or losses that have been unacknowledged.

For example, one couple had renovated their home increasing their mortgage debt. Yet in the same week, one lost their job and the other faced retrenchment.

This constituted a trauma for the relationship that had long term implications.

2. Don't minimise the loss or trauma

Most of us tend to minimise the impact on our relationships when life goes wrong, for example a death. We expect to be over grieving in a few months, when in fact normal grieving lasts around two years.

Five years down the track, when a husband won't talk about the unexpected death of his brother, this has an impact on his wife and their relationship.

Their emotional life becomes restricted, the air can be thick with what isn't said, and a loss of closeness occurs. He may begin by grieving the loss of his brother but in time two people are grieving the loss of their relationship.

3. Maintain a sense of being a couple

When life goes wrong for one person, there is a flow on effect to that person's relationships.

Sometimes services only support one person, for example, when a family has a child with an intellectual disability, fathers are often at work when important meetings occur.

He can feel sidelined while his partner is likely to feel burdened. Research shows that men are likely to cope with grief by "doing" while women are more likely to express their emotional distress.

How can each person in the couple acknowledge these different ways of coping without feeling isolated? Can you see your husband's chopping wood as a way of dealing with anger and grief? Can you ask for a hug when you are feeling sad rather than feeling hurt when you don't get one when you need it?

Assuming the best in your partner when you aren't feeling your best is one of the challenges when life goes wrong. A lot of misunderstandings can occur that wouldn't happen normally. Being kind to yourself and your partner at this time may be vital in establishing a sense that the two of you are in this together.

Ideas that can be useful:

Find a meaning that makes sense to you and helps to restore a sense of hope.
Embrace the idea that we can learn and grow through both positive and negative experiences.
Privilege your capacity to survive and thrive. Recall times in the past where you have coped with difficult times.
Build up a support system if you don't have one already.
Don't make major decisions in the initial aftermath - give yourself time.
Learn and understand your partner's way of coping with difficult times, and share your way of coping. This will assist you both to stay connected.

Seeking your views on social media

Anonymous — Wed, 06 Jul 2011 00:00:00 +1000

The online world is dramatically changing the way we live and relate to each other.

Today we can do so many things in this space, it is difficult to imagine our lives without the ability to jump online from wherever we are - to check our email or Facebook page, buy and sell, make travel plans, find a partner, seek out past friends and make new ones, post comments about issues, do our banking, read newspapers, watch videos. The list goes on.

The phenomenal take up of social networking sites such as Facebook, YouTube and Twitter shows no sign of abating - and it is not just the tech savvy Gen Ys who interact in this way.

Research is telling us that the older people are increasingly turning to alternative spaces as they become more comfortable with the possibilities provided by the internet. A study by Deloitte showed that by 2008, more than 20 million social networkers in the United States were over the age of 50.

A more recent worldwide study by The Nielsen Company showed that people spent more than five and a half hours per month on social networking sites like Facebook and Twitter in December 2009, a massive 82 per cent increase from the same period the previous year.

The Nielsen study showed that Australians led the world in social media engagement, averaging more than seven hours per month on social media sites.

Now, according to a Box Hill Institute YouTube video on social networking, the average Facebook user spends 1.2 days per month (28.8 hours) on the site, let alone additional time that may be spent on other sites.

In this highly-connected world, people are relating to each other differently. But what does this mean for their relationships - with their partner, family, friends, colleagues, others?

Relationships Australia Victoria has been in the relationship support business for more than 60 years and knows a lot about what makes or breaks positive relationships in the real world.

We want to find out more about the impact, both positive and negative, of technology and social media on relationships, so that we can help people manage their relationships in the online world as well.

You can help us by completing this short survey. We will use the results to inform and improve our services to clients and the community.

To do the survey, click here.

Facing up to family violence

Anonymous — Tue, 14 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +1000

More than 33 per cent of women in Australia from various socio-economic backgrounds are affected by family violence. Women from immigrant, Aboriginal and rural communities and those with disabilities often face additional difficulties.

Family violence is a deliberate act and is rarely an isolated event. Over time, the violence tends to increase in frequency and severity. Furthermore, it often takes six to eight attempts before a woman finally leaves a violent relationship. Many women don't want the relationship to end; they just want the violence to stop.

What is family violence?
How do you recognise the symptoms? It is important to remember that family violence is not limited to physical abuse. It covers a range of behaviours including:

• verbal abuse - such as using insulting names and threatening language or saying things that cause fear

• emotional abuse - for example, withdrawing and not providing support, put downs and name calling

• sexual abuse - such as forcing someone to have sex when it is against their wishes, or engaging in sexual practices that someone is not comfortable with

• social abuse - engaging in controlling or similar behaviour that causes another to become isolated from friends and support groups

• financial abuse - for example, controlling money and causing dependency

• spiritual abuse - not allowing someone to practise their own religion

• stalking - inundating someone with unwanted communication (phone calls, text messages etc) or spying on someone.

Typical patterns of behaviour
In determining whether family violence is occurring, it may be helpful to assess if the behaviour follows a pattern. The typical pattern of violent behaviour may follow a cycle of events, as follows:

1. Explosion of violence

2. Remorse/apology and "it will never happen again" statements

3. Honeymoon phase where things seem to be alright

4. Gradual build up of tensions, walking on eggshells

5. Explosion of violence ... and the cycle continues.

Effects of family violence
Victims often describe living with family violence as a roller coaster ride, which causes confusion and anxiety. It is typical that this can in turn lead to a range of reactions including medical disorders and drug and alcohol abuse.

Additionally, victims often experience isolation as a result of violence: they may also experience feelings of "I'm going mad".

Violence leaves children feeling confused, sad, angry and frightened. Small children may blame themselves for the violence. Infants can experience the tense atmosphere at home as a cause for a variety of physical and psychological symptoms.

Furthermore, witnessing or enduring violence can influence how children deal with conflict throughout their lives. They may even come to believe that violence is a normal part of an intimate relationship.

Victims often stay in relationships to protect the children and/or because they hold on to a sense of hope that "things will get better".

Getting help

It is important to seek help if you or someone you know is in a violent relationship.

Relationships Australia Victoria recommends counselling, group work and family therapy as the best ways to support the safety of women and children in relationships where family violence is present. We also provide men's behaviour change groups to assist men take responsibility for, and change their violent behaviours.

These services may be a step towards assisting people to enjoy violence-free relationships. We can be contacted on 1300 364 277.

Other services available include:

• Domestic Violence Crisis Services, which assist women and children living with violence including providing short-term shelter and refuge.

• The police will respond to any call for assistance whether from a friend or someone directly involved. Family violence victims may want to obtain a Family Violence Protection Order to protect themselves and their children from future violence or threats.

For further information and support, follow these links:

How do I meet the right partner?

Danielle Ollington — Wed, 08 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +1000

Are you hoping to find 'the one' for you? Some of the following tips for finding love might surprise you, beginning with the relationship you have with yourself.

High level of self esteem
How would you rate your own self esteem? When you feel good about yourself, other people sense this and you are more likely to attract someone who treats you well. For higher self esteem, make sure you engage in self care activities like exercise, eating well, relaxation, listening to music that makes you feel good and socialising with positive people. Listen to your self talk and challenge beliefs that feed low self esteem - one of our greatest powers is the capacity to gain control over our own thoughts.

Develop yourself and grow as a person
Be someone whom you would find interesting and attractive. Dr Martien Snellen, a Melbourne psychiatrist wrote in the Herald Sun: "Before you can desire someone, you have to see yourself as desirable. Desirable people read, travel, study and are open and interested in other people".

Be trustworthy and reliable
Do what you say you are going to do. Trust is always the basis of a good relationship.

Know your core life values
Couples with similar values fare best and a fundamental difference in values will always contribute to difficulties in the future.

Know your boundaries
We all have a "bottom line" that once crossed, results in an injury to our core self. If a potential partner asks us to cross this divide when they know we don't want to do so, then this is a sign that they are not the one for you. It is important to stand up for your rights and if this has been a challenge in the past, it is crucial that you work on your assertiveness skills.

Be comfortable spending time on your own
If you can't be alone, you won't be choosey because your focus is to escape loneliness and emptiness.

Gain a better understanding of your family of origin
Often we are attracted to someone who reminds us of a family member or we create similar dynamics to those that existed in the family we grew up in. For example, a woman who feels that she was never good enough in her father's eyes may find herself attracted to men with whom she also feels not good enough. Self awareness is the key to choosing someone who is right for you.

Reflect on your past relationships
Are there patterns? Do you encounter the same problems with different partners? Have you had feedback that touches a raw spot? If we're not aware, we are likely to make the same mistakes over and over again. Learn from mistakes and find a way to manage dynamics in a way that works for your relationships. Allow yourself time to grieve failed relationships before beginning new ones - you will be in a much healthier emotional place.

Put yourself out there in a way that feels appropriate
Nightclubs may not be your thing so look for opportunities around shared interests - join a tennis club, play mixed netball, learn a language, or take a cooking class. Let people in your network know you're interested in meeting someone. Your friends may know someone who knows someone. Workplace romances are common given the amount of time we spend at work. One benefit is that there is often a basis of friendship and knowing the person initially as a colleague. However, there are also many risks involved, for example, when a manager goes out with someone who reports to them, a boundary has been crossed and if the relationship ends, it is likely that you will be the one leaving.

Online protection
Meeting people via chat rooms and dating websites has gained popularity in recent years. It is important to do this safely. Meet in a public place, and don't initially give out your address. Let a friend know where you're going to be and organise a time for a check in phone call. Don't leave a venue with a date if you feel unsure for any reason.

Look out for warning signs that your partner may be a controlling, defensive or abusive person
In the initial stages of the relationship, be prepared to end the relationship if you see evidence of the following:

• negativity and blaming of their ex partner - this is either evidence of a lack of self awareness or a lack of responsibility when things go wrong
• disrespect and anger toward restaurant staff
• excessive drinking or an expectation that you will drive when you both go out
• over-reaction to small issues
• displays of jealous behaviour in relation to your other friendships
• monitors your movements
• needs you to spend all your time with him/her.

On a lighter note, engage with the excitement and the fun of searching for the right partner - the excitement of the first kiss, the hope that he/she might be the one, the build up of sexual energy, the anticipation of seeing them again, and daydreaming about special moments. It is a moment in time to thoroughly enjoy.

A blueprint for intimacy

Helena Deacon-Wood — Wed, 01 Jun 2011 00:00:00 +1000

Next time you are running yourself ragged making sure your child has all the stimulation needed to best develop their gross and fine motor skills, along with their verbal and social skills, stop and think for a moment: are you providing your children with the skills to be successful life partners?

Experts have described the parental relationship as a 'child's blueprint for intimacy' because they observe how we handle this area of our life in order to learn how to do it themselves.

In fact, the best gift you can give your child is the chance to observe a positive partnership between you and your partner. Do the two of you back each other up? Do your children know that you feel lucky that their mum or dad is your mate? Do they see that the two of you make efforts not to let the other down? Do they experience the two of you having fun times together? Do they observe you sticking at things even when the going gets tough?

Positive parent relationships show children how to work things out when conflict arises, and the importance of mutual trust and respect.

By seeing parents resolve conflict, children learn that differences can also be negotiated. By observing a thriving parental relationship, children also learn about standards. And they are less likely to settle for second-best relationships in adulthood.

Giving the message to your children that your partner is important to you is also an excellent bit of relationship role modelling.

So how do you achieve this positive parental relationship for your children to observe? It is easy to overlook the most vital thing in the 'busy-ness' of our lives ... the need to invest time in our couple relationship.

Because we all want to do the best for our children, sometimes we become too child-focused and forget about our own needs, to the detriment of our adult relationship.

Sometimes people are so focused on creating the perfect home for children, perhaps because their own childhood home was less than wonderful, that the parental relationship needs get ignored, and sadly the result is that the happy home they wanted eludes them.

Prioritising the couple relationship and working together as a team is immensely important to the emotional health of your children and your relationship. So make sure you plan couple time for yourselves.

Tips
- Children need the example of a positive parental couple
relationship

- Don't focus on the children's needs to the extent there is not time for the couple relationship

- Children learn relationship standards and good conflict resolution from observing parents who do it well.

Material for this article was sourced from What Children Learn from their Parents' Marriage, by Judith Siegel (2000)

Child care without guilt

Anonymous — Tue, 31 May 2011 00:00:00 +1000

Ask most parents how they feel when they leave their cherished baby or child in care for the first time and the word "guilty" may creep into the conversation.

It's natural for parents to worry that their child may feel unhappy or abandoned, and only a short step to feeling guilty. Some parents have been known to sit in their car crying after drop-off, especially if they have left a crying child behind.

But if the care environment is a secure and loving one, it's highly likely the child will settle quickly and, if the parent calls the centre 10 minutes after drop-off, the crying child is probably full of smiles again and engrossed in a new activity.

To help you conquer an "attack of the guilts", here's a 12-point survival plan.

IT'S vital to feel positive about the care centre, so trust your emotional reactions to staff, carers and the physical environment.

WHEN you drop off your child, leave them with a staff member they know.

LET your child take some special possessions that will comfort them, but make sure they are labelled.

IN THE early days of you both adapting, ring after drop-off to check that your child has settled.

REMIND yourself that good child care has many benefits, such as making friends and enjoying new songs and activities.

IF YOU feel guilty about using child care, talk to your partner about it.

WHEN you pick up your child, try to get a sense of their day from the carer - what's been fun for them, what's been difficult.

IF YOU are finding it tough to leave your child, call your partner for support after the drop off and discuss how you are feeling.

PLAN with your partner about how you will manage a sick child who can't attend care.

SPEND time talking to your child after their day in care, and listen.

ADVOCATE for your child's needs and provide the carers with knowledge that will help your child feel safe and happy, such as wanting to go to the toilet privately. But be tactful so you don't alienate the carer.

ACKOWLEDGE the grief and sadness that you may feel about missing out on time with your child or not witnessing developmental milestones. Talk to your partner, friends or someone who understands.

Remember, a happy child is generally the product of a happy parent, so try to embrace a life/work balance you feel comfortable with.

Survival tips

In the early days of using child care, ring the centre 10 or so minutes after drop off if you are anxious about how your child is settling.
Remember, your child will enjoy many social benefits in child care.
If you are feeling guilty about leaving your child in care, talk to others who have been through it and learn through their experience.

My experience with gambling

Admin — Wed, 25 May 2011 00:00:00 +1000

Welcome to RAV's new blog.

Through the blog, we aim to encourage discussion and debate about topical relationship and community issues. Over time, we will establish a range of categories covering broad areas of interest - relationships, parenting, gambling support, social diversity and inclusion, family violence, children's issues to name a few.

The blog will not include an online counselling facility or provide any form of individual relationship advice or support.

Our first post is one woman's personal experience of living with a problem gambler. She gave us permission to publish this piece in the hope that it could help others who may be experiencing difficulties in their relationships as a result of gambling and do not know where to turn. Here is her story...

Family secrets

I have a memory of an old man sitting on a bench in the enclosed verandah of my Grandma's house. I was maybe two or three at the time. The man was my Grandad and he was kept separate from the family. The verandah was his exile.

Over the years I learned 'secret' family stories of my Grandad's gambling - like how he had lost the family's new car in a late night card game - men arrived one morning and took the car away from his 'normal' suburban family; and how the repeated story of Grandad having his wallet stolen from him while sleeping on the train finally wore thin. There must be many more stories I haven't heard. I do know for a fact that Grandma and her four young children had a much harder life than they deserved.

Even with this history, I fell for my gambler. He was charismatic, charming and successful in his job. I ignored the red flags until I was in too deep.

Lesson 1 - gamblers do not wear a uniform
I believed him when he said he didn't have a gambling problem; I believed him when he said he was at football training, or working after hours - or that he would be back soon.

Lesson 2 - gamblers lie
I had moved in with my gambler before I realised the extent of the problem - the problem being a 20 year gambling addiction, covered up by appearances - his good family, frequent moves, good job and 20 years of experience hiding his secret.

Like me, he had a grandfather who was also a gambler, except his grandfather took my gambler to the races when he was a boy and exposed him to the 'highs' of gambling - the big win (a new car), being free of your responsibilities (leaving grandma behind to work the business). I'm sure she had a harder life than she deserved, just like my grandma.

Lesson 3 - there is always history
My gambler had many good qualities, but the negative effects of the gambling addiction were beginning to take their toll on me. I didn't believe what he said much anymore, his priorities seemed skewed and I was beginning to question my own self worth.

Unbelievably I actually drove around checking up on his stories. I came to know his favourite venues and favourite lies. These days I know the hallmarks of a gambler at a glance and I also know where all the gambling venues are around town.

I finally reached a point where I realised I could no longer live like this and I confronted my gambler. We sought counselling. I understood perfectly when our counsellor explained that gambling in a relationship has similar impacts as infidelity.

As it turns out, his family knew about his problem but at family get-togethers we all pretended everything was normal. There was always the 'elephant in the room'. Eventually, expressing my concerns in a tactful way was a turning point for me!

Lesson 4 - others know too
Our counsellor was exceptional, but my gambler fought every step of the way. I see now what was happening, but it is very difficult when you are in the middle of the storm and dealing with an expert manipulator. His 'smoke and mirrors' tactics directed at me were often very painful. When our counsellor blocked this tactic, he would say whatever he thought needed to be said to buy him time.

He needed me: I was his anchor in a stormy life. It was slow and painful going, but every session was strengthening my resolve and helping me understand him, myself and this gambling thing. I thought about my Grandma a lot.

At one stage he even gave up gambling for a while, allowing me to manage his money and pay his debts. I thought we had made it and was optimistic about the future. We fell pregnant. In a cruel twist, once the debts were close to being paid, off the gambling began again.

Lesson 5 - answers don't always come easily
Fast forward. Much water had passed under the bridge. I no longer wonder what the gambler is up to, whether he is gambling or not, whether he is lying or not. I don't wonder ''why?' anymore. It took more than one year of one-on-one counselling to feel free and strong again. My precious toddler and I live happily together. In some ways life is harder, in other ways it's easier. The gambler and our child adore each other and he comes by to see her sometimes, sometimes not. I have no expectations, it's better that way.

The most important lesson - look after yourself!

Further information on problem gambling, including resources, useful links and tips are available here.

Do you have any experiences or tips to share with others about dealing with problem gambling? We welcome your comments.